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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants
Is a shalom zachor important?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 6:08 pm
Do you have to do a shalom zachor when a boy is born? We really have no money and are planning on having the bris at home if we have a boy. Very low key make food ourselves/just have to pay for the mohel type of bris.

But a shalom zachor is another expense that we just can't afford and I really can't rely of neighbors or family to make anything.

Does anyone have any idea why one is made and if we can just skip it? I can't imagine dealing with it right after having a baby and if I'm in the hospital over shabbos DH will stay with me anyway.

Hope I posted this in the right place.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 6:22 pm
It is a question for a rabbi. Different minhogim and all.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 6:24 pm
Just make a really small one with a few cakes and cookies and some chickpeas. Only invite a handful of close friends. We had very small shalom zachors, I was in hospital, and dh invited whoever was in Shul to come over. I did not spend even one second worrying about it.

If dh is with you in hospital that is another story. In that case ask a rav.
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 9:16 pm
A SZ should not cost much. Buy some paper goods, a case of beer, 2 bottles of soda, arbis and bake a cake or two and stick them in the freezer. V'zeh hu.

Ask your rav. I am not sure where you live but I live OOT and people definitely bring stuff.
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 9:28 pm
Ask your rav. I was told to have one, even if I was in the hospital, and even if I AND dh were in the hospital. But that we could have the sz IN the hospital, if that was the case! (Or that my ils could have the sz at their home.)

So ask.

ETA: Having it in the hospital would have meant that dh and I were the only two there. So definitely not a big expense at all.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 9:52 pm
How does one do the sz alone?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2011, 11:33 pm
This is the OP.

So if we can do it alone what is it exactly? What are we supposed to even do? People just come to say mazel tov and that's it?
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tizunabi




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 3:22 am
there are times that you don't do it, but there is only one I can think of because it happened to me. No shalom zachor for DS, it fell out on yom kippur.
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shalhevet




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 3:26 am
It brings brocho for the baby.

You can just serve chickpeas and cold drinks if you like. People aren't hungry after they just ate a whole Shabbos meal. You can cook a couple of kilos of chickpeas now and put them in the freezer - if you have a girl just make lots of chumous. Smile
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Marion




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 3:35 am
DS#1 was born Friday afternoon, 3 hours before Shabbat. The "shalom zachar" was my, DH, and MIL in the hospital. DS#2 was born Friday night, so my ILs made a shalom zachar the night before the bris. DS#3 we made the shalom zachar at home (he was born Monday); we served chickpeas which a friend prepared and I put out a plate of muffins. It was the beginning of May (week of Lag B'Omer) and people came after dinner ended around 10:00 p.m....when I came down the next morning I saw 2 muffins had been eaten and the chickpeas had been picked at. (For reference' sake, there were definitely 20 people in the house, so they just really didn't eat.)

Short version: do what you want. Speak with your LOR if you're really worried about it.
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sarahd




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 4:31 am
Chickpeas, drinks and a couple bottles of beer if you want will do it. A plate of cookies, if you really want to be fancy.

You can cook up a bag of chickpeas (I don't think you need two kilos; it makes a lot), which costs very little. It freezes fine.

You can do the whole thing for under $20.
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Queen18




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 4:45 pm
tizunabi wrote:
there are times that you don't do it, but there is only one I can think of because it happened to me. No shalom zachor for DS, it fell out on yom kippur.


I have heard of shalom zachors being done on yom kippur as well. The minhag I heard is that instead of food, different types of bisamim are served and people pass them around and make brochos. You should ask your LOR.
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 4:49 pm
Sigh. WE made a shalom zachor for our youngest and I was told NO ONE came - baby and I were still in the hospital - thanks to bad weather.

If a tree falls in a forest... I mean, if you throw a party and no one comes, does it still count?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:19 pm
YESHASettler wrote:
Sigh. WE made a shalom zachor for our youngest and I was told NO ONE came - baby and I were still in the hospital - thanks to bad weather.

If a tree falls in a forest... I mean, if you throw a party and no one comes, does it still count?


S'char halichah.
Not for the people who didn't come--for you, for making the effort.
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yersp




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:29 pm
I remember someone once told me the reason a sz is done is to welcome the neshama of the baby to this world. He's not happy to be here (no neshama is happy to be here) and the sz is to soothe the neshama. I don't know if this makes sense, but this is what I remember so it's important to make one. Like all posters said, it doesn't have be a big party, as long as you make something where people can come give their mazel tovs.
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newmother




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 9:00 pm
The whole point of a shalom zachor is that the baby is sad that they are no longer learning torah so we make a party in which divrei torah are said to make the baby happy. If I remeber correctly the chick peas are because the are round to show the circle of life.

Ask a rav but to the best of my knowledge- if you and dh are in the hospital all you really need is a dvar torah and maybe some chickpeas. A beer and some cookies he probably would appreciate also. If you are home all you have to do is put out some some cookies and maybe a cake, beer, and chickpeas and only invite a handful of people. If anyone asks why you are doing it so small then just say you are aren't feeling upto doing more.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2011, 11:12 pm
The arbis I know about, but enlighten me--what's with the beer?
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Blueberry Muffin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2011, 12:23 pm
A shalom zachor is a simcha... I wouldnt advise to try to find ways to "get out of it."

the shabbas before many important events in our lives come with special kedusha.
An afruf the shabbas b4 the wedding
A shalum zachor the shabbas b4 a bris
Birkat hachodesh the shabbas b4 rosh chodesh

you can make it very small but I wouldnt advise to let this simcha go.
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veganesther




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2011, 12:54 pm
I am a lactation counselor and I tell my clients w/ newborn sons that a Shalom zachor is nice if and only if the grandparents or other relatives take care of all the details. The post-partum mother needs her rest to establish a bountiful milk supply.
The whole shalom zachor celebration with foods and color coded decorations is NEW. 50 years ago frum people had no such thing.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2011, 1:01 pm
Has sofmething to do with neshomas, don't know how it's accomplished when Friday night is YK.
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