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Gender issues



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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 1:20 pm
I have been struggling with an issue for a while now, and I have no idea who to talk to. I have tried to talk to a few people, but have not gotten any answers or support. I have a son who is 9 years old and I am SO worried that he may be gay. I know I am nuts to even think that at this age, but sometimes the way he acts really concerns me. He has always identified more with women than with men. He also just sometimes acts a little girly. He does kind of like sports and its not like he plays with dolls... but he does like to play with girls. He likes to play with boys too... but I think he is more at ease with girls. Im not sure. I dont know what to do. I spoke to a psychologist who told me to encourage him to spend more time with his father, so I did that. But I am not sure what else. I guess I am wondering if any of you have ever had a similar experience with one of your children, and what you have done? or what has happened? Of course I love my son unconditionally, but we all know that our lifestyle cannot really coexist with that life style. I am losing sleep over this. I dont know what to do.
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STMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 4:45 pm
OP, it is easy to jump to conclusions especially in today's secular society that is so obsessed with the idea that a boy act like a tough guy right from birth - not cry, not play with dolls, etc. And yet, don't we love it when men are more "enlightened"? If a boy likes to use body products and spend time in the shower, secular society calls that "gay". But isn't that the type of man a lot of women would like to marry, as opposed to a slob? I happen to be married to someone who has been called a "metrosexual" because of the meticulous way he cares about his appearance - but it's very nice to be married to someone with such good hygiene and self-care skills who always smells nice Smile If a boy cries too much then secular society calls that "gay". But aren't women always complaining about guys who don't know how to express emotions? Maybe your son will grow up to be someone who by being in touch with his "feminine" side is able to be a much better husband? My point is, a lot of the things we worry about regarding our sons don't indicate anything about them not wanting to be with a woman in the future. You have to wait a few years before you should jump to any conclusions about his future s-xual preference and guide him in the proper direction in the meantime. One final note of food for thought - can't you think of some effeminate men in your community who are very happily married with children?
I see from the lack of replies that this is a tough subject so I hope this helped a little Smile
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 4:53 pm
A lot of the stereotypes about guys and masculine behavior are actually pretty recent in origin. (For instance, from ancient times and through the middle ages, there wasn't any concept that women cried more often than men or that real men don't cry. People cried when they felt the need to or when social mores called for it).
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 6:52 pm
My mil laughs that my husband used to be obsessed with stroking her legs when she was wearing tights. he would lie on the floor and caress her shins and calves, following her around the kitchen when she tried to work. Also, he was always playing school with the girls and he jumped rope the best on the block. He did needlepoint straight through highschool! If you would see my husband now, you would just not believe it. He is definitely a MAN. But he is also sensitive, helpful and caring.
My 10 yr old son sometimes remarks wistfully that it is not fair that only girls can wear lipstick. He is always complimenting me on my new jewelry or make-up, and he is the first to notice if I am wearing something new. I dont worry about him having gender issues as I know that nobody fits into a perfect square. As a matter of fact, I think he will make a great husband one day!
One more thing, do you have any girls? I used to say that my boys were all girly-boys as they love to do arts n' crafts and they are also big kvetches and criers. Then I had a girl and let me tell you, you CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO COMPARE. My daughter is a real girl and my boys are just crybabies.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 7:13 pm
I have a brother who is the first boy after a bunch of girls. he was always super sensitive, emotional, gentle, and played with girls, played house, with dolls, fashion conscious... hes now an older teen and although frum MO and doesnt hand ut with girls, I know that he thinks about them, is attracted to them, and doesnt think that way about boys.

he is still to intuitive and sensitive, and such a people person, I think he will make an awesome husband. dont worry!
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ElTam




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 9:54 pm
Dear OP,

Having grown up with gay people in my family and gay friends, I firmly believe that people are born gay. So, he either is or he isn't. But, I think at this young age, you can't worry. (Easier said than done, I know.) Some boys are more sensitive. Some girls are more rough-and-tumble. Making him change his behaviors isn't going to change who he is inside. In the meantime, don't borrow trouble. It isn't in your hands one way or the other. Easy to say, I know, but it's true. Just love him and let him develop how he's going to develop. If he's gay, cross that bridge when you come to it.

In the meantime, what you are saying sounds like totally normal behavior. Some guys just like to play with girls because they are more verbal, and less physical. It doesn't mean they want to be a girl, or be like a girl.
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leah66




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 10:41 pm
I am the only girl in my family born after a few boys. When I was little I used to wear a yamaka, dismember my dolls, and play with boys. As a teen, my mother desperately tried to get me into things like heels and manicures, but I thought that all was ridiculous. I'm still not the most girly girl, but definitely strait.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2011, 11:42 pm
My dh's school allowed dolls for boys, and boys too had a sewing course LOL

I dismembered dolls and can't sew to save my life LOL
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2011, 12:00 am
I dont think you should worry.

your son is only 9.

he is so little.

how could someone be gay- or straight- or have any kind of s-xual orientation- before puberty? I never understood the whole gay-2-year-old thing. 2 yr olds are not s-xual.

so I think that your son is way too young for you to be worrying about this.

Beezras Hashem he will be straight and bring you lots of nachas.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2011, 12:44 am
Why am I not surprised, Ruchel? LOL
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2011, 1:17 am
OP, what you wrote doesn't sound out of the ordinary at all. I seriously wouldn't worry.

MY DD is 8, and the other day she announced that she and her best friend were going to buy a house together when they grew up. They were going to have horses, and they were each going to adopt a baby. Neither of them wants a husband. She was SO dead serious about it! (Last year she was going to marry a rabbi, have 12 children, teach preschool AND be a doctor/researcher/oceanographer shock )

I have to try so hard not to laugh, or tell her that she was wrong. When I was 8, I thought boys were icky, and my idea of bliss was to live with my BFF and be a cat breeder. Confused Somehow, I managed to get over it.

Let your boy be who he is. He will try on many "hats" before he's grown up. One day he'll want to be a famous magician, the next he'll be a fire fighter or a rabbi or a stock broker... you get the idea.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2011, 2:28 am
My DH hated sports, didn't like wearing tough boy clothes from rougher fabrics, played with girls, and tried to get out of shop class and take sewing with the girls. He was (and still is) gentle and sensitive and in touch with his emotions.

He is certainly straight. And a wonderful husband. He does run like a girl.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 03 2011, 10:16 am
sequoia wrote:
Why am I not surprised, Ruchel? LOL


Because you saw the pics of my pigsty apartment? lol
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 04 2011, 9:26 pm
I am the OP. I wanted to thank you all so much for your replies. I really found it so helpful to just be able to express myself, and have people hear me out. Like I said before I have tried to talk to people about it, but I feel that I often get poo pooed. Thank you ladies for your input. It does help to know that some of you have husbands that didnt exactly fit the "normal" boy mold. Thank you again.
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