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Frum boss casually touches me at work...



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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2006, 3:10 am
I've been working at my office for about six months. The office is mixed in terms of levels of yiddishkeit, but my boss is black-hat frum. (So am I...sheitel, DH learns in kollel, etc.)

Since I started working, my boss sometimes will just casually touch me. Nothing serious, (although of course in the big picture ANY touch, even the smallest, is serious), but for example if he needs to get my attention, sometimes he'll quickly poke my arm. When we're looking at the computer together, sometimes he'll quickly bruch my hand away from the mouse so he can use it. (Btw, he does this with everyone in the office, not just me.)

Now, I would be REALLY disturbed if this guy was FFB. But he's a 40-something BT for about 5 years. Although he leads a normal, black-hat life, (married w/kids), he wasn't frum for most of his life and I know that it's hard to loose little habits like this.

(I speak from experience. I'm also BT and tend to be way to comfortable and open with men, develop frienships, etc.)

I don't want to embarrass my boss. He's a very, very nice person and a serious yid. Of course he knows he shouldn't be touching me even causally, but the problem is, I don't think he even realizes that he does.

Of course this makes me extrememly uncomfortable. How can I get him to stop without embarrassing him?
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HindaRochel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2006, 9:41 am
Maybe you could just raise the issue with him? Say, when there is no one near by something along the lines of an "I know you aren't doing it deliberately, but I really am uncomfortable when you tap me to get my attention." As far as the mouse goes or any other type of touch you can anticipate; if he is near you try and be aware of his movements so you can move your hand before he touches you.

As you don't see it as you directed but at all, men and women? then I wouldn't get overly concerned. If it is just with the other women in the office you might need to get loud.
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 21 2006, 10:07 am
I would stay far away.
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mumoo




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 28 2006, 12:13 am
when you are at your computer and he comes to watch over your shoulder, get up and invite him to sit

try not to be within arms reach so he can't poke you

try to be attentive when he comes in the office/comes near so you dont have to be called to attention

try to be subtle-ly obvious so he gets that you are making a point

I guess if subtlety doesn't work, go with what hindarochel suggests and talk to him

funny story:
I was working in the office of a large conservative shul and a man came to introduce himself to me. he extended his hand to shake mine, but I demurred by shaking my head and saying kindly, "I don't shake"

he smiled, nodded said reassuringly, "oh. I understand," while he patted me on the arm.
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ny_ima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 11 2007, 1:16 pm
Obviously you are well-versed. It is Issur Negiya. I'm not sure what the punishment for it is, but it is a Lav (Loh Taaseh) and you must make him aware of this Issur (assuming he does not know) The fact that you do not react to his touch may make him think that it it OK and not such a bad thing. You must not put a stumbling block in front of the blind.

Think how you would feel if a Frum BT would "casually" touch YOUR DH (and other men) if he were in such a situation! Would you not expect him to do something about it??

When you go UP to give Din and Cheshbon... YOU ALONE will be judged for your actions and wont get a chance to point to him as being the one to blame... (BT, used to it...) It is not YOUR call to be excusing and thus validating his sins!

I am sure you will find a polite way to explain or re-inforce boss not only to stop touching you, but to refrain from touching ANY lady Anywhere! You will surely get the zchus of steering him to Torah and doing Tshuva!
Dont be embarrassed from people when it comes to serving Hashem!

BTW if men would know the Tumaah which jumps to them from touching strange women and influences them further from Torah (Kaballah) they would not even touch us with a 10-foot-pole!
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withhumor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 11 2007, 1:27 pm
I work in a male dominated field, related to computers. I am ALWAYS in a situation where a man wants to reach over and show me something on the computer. I make it a rule NEVER to sit with someone buy a computer. If he sits, I stand. If I sit, I ask him to remain standing. You’ll be surprised how much more they respect you! do it once and you’ll never have an issue again. If the issue goes on after twice, the man is a pig.
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