Found empty package in son's laundry.

chani8

Fri, Jan 20 2012, 4:07 am

grin wrote:

what a huge issue! I wish you much bina yeseira and strength to deal with it the best you can.

also, I don't think that religion has anything to do with it. as fs pointed out, the actual isser isn't so great, but even in the secular world, there are reasons to save your virginity for the "one and only". I would suggest reading Gila Manolson's book "The Magic Touch" for some pointers and ideas for discussion.

Thanks for the book suggestion. I take it that is for me to read. Anything for DS to read?? Boy would that make this easier!! "See this (show condom pkg.)?! Read this!!" Whew. I can really picture that.

Just want to thank you all for the wealth of suggestions and thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it and am awed by your sensitive responses. Even the halachic discussion was well taken. Hug

Hugs back!

chani8 (really Patricia Johnsonbergstein from Omaha) Just kidding.

5*Mom

Sun, Jan 22 2012, 1:09 am

Chani8, I am currently reading the book Breaking the Silence: S*xual Abuse in the Jewish Community, edited by Dr. David Pelcovitz and David Mandel (excellent book, BTW, highly recommended for all). There is a section written by a therapist which is a compilation of interviews conducted with adult male survivors of child s. abuse and one part may be particularly relevant to the issues discussed here. An exerpt (pp 8,9,10):

“Q. What are some of the s*xual issues that you experience as a survivor?
… As child victims experience all of the shame, guilt, confusion, and s*xual gratification of s*xual abuse, a distinct pattern is created that most things in the world (family, school, peers) are not pleasurable or fulfilling, and that the only “true” pleasure is s*xual pleasure. All of these behaviors [s*xually acting out in various ways] are reaction to the abuse, are difficult for the child to control, and indicative of the need for professional help. Left untreated, this pattern of finding pleasure only in s*xuality can become ingrained in the child. Teenagers will sometimes share their struggle with a parent or teacher, and this adult is often reported to be supportive and helpful. At other time, however, parents and teachers make survivors feel guilty about their behaviors, without realizing the damage that added guilt and shame cause.

For some teenage survivors, experimentation regarding s*xuality with others begins relatively early. Adolescents have a natural curiosity about s*xuality generally, which can be very healthy, but the teenage survivor has trouble modulating this curiosity. … Without therapeutic intervention, these activities that begin in adolescence will often continue into adulthood. …

Finally, many survivors suffer from confusing emotional needs with a need for pleasure. This occurs because the s*xual abuse blurs the line between caring and closeness and physicality. Many needs may have been met through the s*xual abuse and physicality continues to be viewed as the only way to be cared for. Often, needs for nurturance may be identified as s*xual, but really, the survivor just needs love. Real relationships, with intimacy, closeness, bonding, sharing, are often seen as threatening.”

B/c of your son’s history, and this girl’s likely history, it is important to involve a professional who is specially trained in child s. abuse, not just generalized trauma treatment, since there are many relevant issues—cognitive, emotional, s*xual--that are specific to survivors of child s. abuse that need to be directly addressed. Please take heart, these issues can be successfully addressed in therapy and will not necessarily plague a survivor for the rest of his life.

I know you live in Israel, although I do not know where. If you do not already have an ongoing relationship with a therapist trained in this area, you can get a referral from the organization ELI—Aguda LeHaganat Heyeled at 03-609-1930 or 1-800-22-3966. This is the organization that specially trains therapists in Israel in treating child s. abuse. Wishing you all the best!

grin

Sun, Jan 22 2012, 8:47 am

chani8 wrote:

grin wrote:

Hugs back!

chani8 (really Patricia Johnsonbergstein from Omaha) Just kidding.

actually,the book is geared to teens; I bought it and left it out on the table. My girls picked up the bait and felt it was useful reading.

But you may want to be more proactive and read it yourself to give him food for thought.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Nov 30 2016, 6:46 am

chani8 wrote:

I couldn't bring myself to type the title with these words, so let me explain what kind of package.

Doing laundry, I found an empty condom package in my son's pocket.

What in the world am I supposed to do or say about this??

He is 16, and had said that he met a girl "friend" who is younger than him (14) but less religious than him.

Disclaimer: I read your original post and not scrolled down to read the responses so forgive me if this has been said before.

Basically, in this situation, worse than finding an empty package would be finding no package. He may be doing something you'd prefer him not to but at least he is being responsible about it. I think you should chat to him about it. He might be mortified but you might be pleasantly surprised and get some candour from him. If he is continuing to use them, make sure he has a supply. Make sure that he knows that you'd love to be a grandma one day to his children but not yet!

Please don't be too harsh on him. You didn't catch him stealing or vandalising or harming another person.

And of course, there's the slight possibility that he's just blowing them up as balloons with his friends, Porterhouse Blue style....

Another disclaimer. I was doing similar things as a teen and had loads of packets in my room. My mother never said a word to me about them and I took her silence to mean that she didn't care.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Nov 30 2016, 6:53 am

chani8 wrote:

Barbara, I agree with you. You've given great advice. Thank you.

All of you have given great advice and lots of support. But if you were really great, you'd do this for me!! LOL

How's this for clarity:

DS, I found this in your dirty laundy. I just want you to know that I love you, but I don't approve of you being s-xually active, esp with a 14 yr old. I think she is much to young for this behavior. I am glad you are using a condom as it shows some sense of responsibility to both you and her. Just understand that it can take only one mistake, one time of forgetting to use it, to cause a pregnancy. Also, there are halachot about it being usser to be with a woman who is nidda, who has had her period and not gone to the mikva. That is why we wait until marriage, when a young lady has had a chance to learn the mitva of TH and go to the mikva. I think you are making a mistake in a lot of ways by being s-xually active and I wish you would stop until you meet your bashert and get married. Now that you know it is sweet and nice and fun, make it holy and special by saving yourself for the woman you want to spend your life with.

Anyone want to critique this?

This is good. And accurate (aside from the spelling of laundry!)

I also think maybe not use the word "mistake" and say something like "It is possible that you might regret being s-xually active if this girl is not your beshert who you will marry." But you never know, perhaps they do think they are beshert and are destined to marry. I would tread carefully here and not use the M word.

Go for it! Hatzlacha. Smile

chani8

Mon, Dec 19 2016, 10:48 pm

My son is 21 now. Over the years of raising a handful of teens, I learned to mind my own business. Give kids the information they need to be safe and trust them to do the right thing.

As for my concern on this thread about a 14yo being s-xually active, the girl was a survivor like my son, and so being s-xually active was gonna happen. That they were cutting together was more disturbing. I'm sharing this to put the word out that cutting is a common behavior specifically tied to s-xual abuse survivors. If your child is cutting, investigate for s-xual abuse!

That was years ago, and thank G-d my son realized that relationship was unhealthy and not only moved on, he got more therapy. He is doing great these days. Makes his Mama proud.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Dec 20 2016, 6:51 am

chani8 wrote:

My son is 21 now.
He is doing great these days. Makes his Mama proud.

Signed in to give you a hug and then wanted to leave you a note too...
As you can see, I'm no way as brave as you and I'm "amother" today.
I was so happy for you when I read your post. I love happy endings!
Awed and impressed by how you looked at your son's problem and struggled with how to deal with it. All of us- "amother"s and real mothers with names- we all have struggles and heartache and heartbreak raising our kids.
I think you're an amazing caring mother. And I think that must be a big part of why your son got through his tough times and is making you proud today.
I know you didn't start out sharing your pain and confusion to be nice to all the rest of us. But in the end it was a great kindness, showing us a real loving mother with a serious problem, and a child who came through it all and overcame his challenges.
Thank you!