Interesting questions during first date (Chassidish)

becky

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 2:40 pm

My divorced friend met someone from Israel, also divorced and very Chassidish. On the first date he:

1. told her he had heard she is a beautiful woman

2. asked her how much she earns.

She asked me what I thought. I told her I was very surprised, even shocked, but that it might be normal for an Israeli.

what do you think?

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 2:42 pm

Wow! Very chassidish and the first one doesn't go together, in my opinion, even less if he mentions others are also saying it.
The second just sounds like bad manners (for a first date) but I'm less shocked.

shalhevet

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 2:49 pm

In Israel people talk freely about how much they earn - I very much fit in here culturally already, but I still can't wrap my head around this one. They might ask someone they've just met how much they earn - just out of curiosity, and it's not offensive.

So I don't think it's rude.

OTOH, I would be nervous that that's what he is so curious about.

But on the third hand - chassidic shidduchim are pretty much "business arrangements" (at the shidduch stage). When two young singles meet, their parents will have discussed all the finances already. Maybe the parents weren't involved here, and he felt he had to find out the practical side too.

becky

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 2:55 pm

[/quote]Maybe the parents weren't involved here, and he felt he had to find out the practical side too.
[quote]

you got that right. they are over 40, so the parents are not so involved.

I find it scarier as a practical question, rather than as a casual Israeli curiosity....

SHE should be worrying about how much HE earns; not the other way around.

freidasima

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:01 pm

Even before mentioning "Israeli" that would have been my first guess from the money question. So typical, and not necesarily of chassidim but of all Israelis. I'm used to it already, I remember a friend visiting from America and telling me she loves her new shoes. Without thinking I said "how much were they?" and she just looked at me and smiled and said "boy have you been living in Israel too long!"....yeah well.

It's normal. And he likes pretty girls.
When I was younger the joke that went around was that on a charedi shidduch people looked for three things in different orders: yichus, money, looks.

Chassidim looked for looks then yichus then money. Litvish looked for money then yichus then looks. Go know if it was true...but seems like this guy fits the chassidish part of the story, no?

Maya

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:02 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Wow! Very chassidish and the first one doesn't go together, in my opinion, even less if he mentions others are also saying it.

Very Chassidish people also like to marry pretty women. Maybe he shouldn't have said it, but there's nothing off with him for wanting a beautiful woman.

Ruchel

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:20 pm

Maya wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Wow! Very chassidish and the first one doesn't go together, in my opinion, even less if he mentions others are also saying it.

Very Chassidish people also like to marry pretty women. Maybe he shouldn't have said it, but there's nothing off with him for wanting a beautiful woman.

I'm far from chassidish and would never have mentioned a person's looks like that on a first date. To me, the frummest the guy, the more off it is to say that. I think one is supposed to control one's tongue if only just for good manners.

FS, I would ask the price of something, and don't mind being asked. But salary is something else.

I think dh and I were already engaged when I knew his salary (my father may have known before, discussed parnasa as a whole for sure). Didn't help me to know, soon after he dumped his job to move here LOL

myself

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:31 pm

Sounds really Israeli to me. Though it does seem a little odd I wouldn't write it off after one date. She should probably meet him another few times before making a decision, esp. since she's not an 18 year old.

Raisin

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:33 pm

Well, at least she knows what is important to him. I would be really put off, but maybe he has some other redeeming qualities.

(I don't think it is wrong that he wants a beautiful women, it just seems inappropriate to say that to a woman he is not married to. Surely, he can see she is beautiful, why mention it? The money thing, again, either wait a few dates or ask the shadchen. Makes him look avaricious)

imaima

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:46 pm

becky wrote:

Sounds like he wants to get down to business.

Depressed

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 3:55 pm

I know I am dating myself, lol. But I was told that a "beeper" will mention how a girl looks especially if he was already married, a "yoeli" will think about it even more, but if he says it straight out, run away, he is probably a perv...

turca

Wed, Feb 01 2012, 10:35 pm

The money thing... It might be too late but the shadchan or someone has to explain this guy that if he dates an american girl, this is not a a commom question unless the thing is getting serious. and if he stills forces his way, hum ...Im not sure...
The comment about her looks, no decent jewish guy of any spectrum would say such a thing .
if I were her, id mention to the shadchan or a rabbi.

DrMom

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 12:26 am

Depressed wrote:

What do these terms mean?

I don't see the point of the "I heard you sre beautiful" comment. He's looking at her; he can see if she's beautiful or not. If she is, he can find another way of complimenting her, or he can just admire quietly if that's not appropriate in his circles. If she's not, what does the comment mean? "I herad you were beautiful -- I guess I heard wrong!"?

Raizle

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 12:51 am

Ruchel wrote:

Maya wrote:

Ruchel wrote:

Wow! Very chassidish and the first one doesn't go together, in my opinion, even less if he mentions others are also saying it.

Very Chassidish people also like to marry pretty women. Maybe he shouldn't have said it, but there's nothing off with him for wanting a beautiful woman.

Maya, Ruchel is taking issue with what he said, not what he was looking for.
And I agree. Wanting to marry a good looking woman is one thing, actually discussing it with her on her first date is weird.

Leesah

Thu, Feb 02 2012, 3:02 am

DrMom wrote:

Depressed wrote:

Yeah, I assumed that's what he meant..