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I read Unorthodox

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saw50st8

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 9:30 am

I found her story compelling, moving and plausible.

I wish she would have developed her OTD decision a bit more. It seemed like it happened overnight.

flowerpower

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 10:01 am

What are you views on her book, more in detail? Do all those things sound like it's true to an outsider?

saw50st8

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 10:10 am

On my phone. Will write more when I get to a computer.

CatLady

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 10:25 am

I'm looking forward to reading it this weekend. I'm interested in your feedback.

EmesOrNT

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:22 pm

I'm up to chapter 3. So far, it reads like a typical coming of age story. A FICTIONAL coming of age story. Written well.

saw50st8

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:22 pm

dp

Last edited by saw50st8 on Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:23 pm; edited 1 time in total

saw50st8

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:23 pm

flowerpower wrote:

What are you views on her book, more in detail? Do all those things sound like it's true to an outsider?

Many of the "controversial" things discussed on imamother about her were not in the book. Two things that were - where she talks about not knowing her plumbing and the story of the boy who was mutilated.

I can't speak to her knowledge of her body or lack thereof. I can say that I have had friends (not chassidish) who were not knowledgeable until much later in our teenage years. Friends who were exposed to many things (MO). Its plausible, but I can't verify its truth.

As to the story of the boy who was mutilated - in no way does she say she verified the details. She frames it as a story her husband came home and told her. A few years back (10?15? I have no idea), there was a man who axed his wife. I heard many versions of the story and I still have no idea what the "truth" is. To me, its plausible that this version of the story reached her and stuck with her. She mentions it as a part of an epiphany in raising her son.

I really enjoyed her character development from a young child to an adult. She describes people in believable ways. You can connect to the characters around her. Most people have one stodgy, annoying relative (in this case her aunt). I have no idea if she made caricatures out of her relatives and neighbors, but based on my experience, they are believable.

She did expose her intimate life with her husband. And yes, it painted him in a "not so nice" light. But it was really crucial to her character development and the story IMO. I think if her intimate life had not been so challenging early on, perhaps their marriage may have taken a different turn. Even if she had decided to leave Judaism at that point, his role wouldn't have seemed so...vulgar. The book does not paint him in a great light. However, nothing I read made me think it was false. We have had MANY threads here with similar stories about their intimate life.

I grew up in Monsey. I am not a stranger to the chassidish world, even though I did not live inside it. Her description of Monsey is fairly accurate though. Hiding the crimes of your neighbor (while steadily improving) is still a big problem.

No one reading this book (or rather, no one with half a brain) will think this story chronicles the entire Chassidish world. Expose/Memoirs are individual.

The weakest point about the book is the lack of her development going OTD. She puts on jeans, goes to a restaurant, has a car accident and then leaves. Its very abrupt. I really wish she had delved deeper into her thoughts/emotions/plans.

Maya

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:49 pm

Thanks for the review, saw.

I wonder if those who knew her more personally for a long time and know the characters she is alluding to will feel the same way. What may seem plausible to you may read as an outright lie or exaggeration to those who know the characters in the book. Either way, I'm not talking until I read it.

About the suicide/murder story, again, I don't know what's in the book as I haven't gotten it yet, but on her original blog she posted details which were not true, as the Jewish Week as written. The age of the boy, the fact that police were not involved, the alleged absence of a death certificate, all seemed to be disproved in the Jewish Week's article.

I'm looking forward to reading this now that more people are saying it's not as bad as the interviews. Although I'm sure it's still filled with "facts" that can be refuted.

Maya

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:51 pm

Quote:

The weakest point about the book is the lack of her development going OTD. She puts on jeans, goes to a restaurant, has a car accident and then leaves. Its very abrupt. I really wish she had delved deeper into her thoughts/emotions/plans.

This is what seems to confirm that her goal with writing this book was not to write an actual memoir, but rather an "expose" on the community. I am often fascinated by people who leave, and, like you, I would have liked to see more on the thought process behind the leaving.

tweek

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 12:55 pm

I'm happy to hear that the book does not contain all of the lies that the articles do. However, this does not in any way vindicate her. In fact, it makes it clear that she was using the media hype to market her product. She is still accountable for anything she says on her blog and in the general media. If anything, the fact that her book is more "toned down" is a credit to her editor and publisher.

EmesOrNT

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 1:07 pm

While I don't know her, so far everything in the book rings true for the community. I'm not saying it did ACTUALLY happen, or that it didn't, just that it's possible it could have. So far. But I'm only in chapter 4, so things may change.

I find it very similar to Hush. Sorta.

Sherri

Fri, Feb 17 2012, 4:28 pm

I'm curious. Do you think it was written as well?

familytime

Sat, Feb 18 2012, 7:21 pm

I'm very curious if she writes anything regarding her schooling and the fact that she did indeed attend a school in the city.

saw50st8

Sat, Feb 18 2012, 7:51 pm

Maya wrote:

about the bold - that is very subjective. Her aunt for example - may have been warm/loving to her students, even if she was cold to her niece. What you see (even the people that knew her), is not always about fact. Sometimes about perception.

My point about the hatzalah story wasn't that it was true or not. It may just have been how SHE heard the story. It affected her, even if the details were a lie.

shnitzel

Sat, Feb 18 2012, 9:46 pm

Maya wrote:

I don't think she villainizes most of her family. She does not negatively portray her grandparents and even though she doesn't like her aunt much she doesn't make her sound awful. The only person she seems out to get is her ex-husband and his family. She also accurately portrays her community in Monsey as being for rebellious Chasidim.

The only part that to me seemed contrived was a lot of the stuff about her intimate life. She saw 3 s*x therapists and still knew nothing?? She wrote like she was playing into every bias. And to have so much go wrong at her first mikvah? It was too much to be real and I do know several people who had a difficult time at first.

enter

Mon, Mar 12 2012, 8:35 pm

Where can I read this one and Hush online pref for free?! TIA

bashinda

Tue, Mar 13 2012, 10:48 am

I don't know about this one but I checked out Hush from the library. Otherwise, maybe you could borrow a book from a friend.

chocolate moose

Sat, May 19 2012, 9:19 pm

I liked some of it.

Charnie

Mon, May 21 2012, 9:49 pm

I also read it recently. And, as others here reported, the worst of the book wasn't actually between its covers, but rather in the publicity surrounding its release. Ms. Feldman doesn't make her childhood sound anywhere near as terrible as she subsequently did in her interviews (both print and TV). In fact, she frequently praises many of her grandparents middahs. Basically, she's a mixed up young woman who's been enjoying her 15 minutes of fame, which may already be over. Obviously, Simon & Schuster feasted on the idea of an "off the derech" book, and must have given her quite an advance to support her new life on the UES, with her son at Park East which is a very expensive day school. To be honest, I feel sorry for her, and hope that with time and maturity, she'll realize how empty her new life really is.

curiousgeorge1

Sun, Jun 03 2012, 3:47 pm

So I just read the book and it was different than I thought it would be based on articles I had read. I have no idea if what she writes is true (though I would be interested in hearing what ppl who knew her have to say) but I feel like the her experiences could very well be true. I read it as her personal story and many of the negative experiences in her life are not a reflection on all of Satmar. She portrays her aunt very negatively, but that makes sense; although the aunt may be a a good person who was trying to help her, the author obviously feels a lot of resentment towards the way she was treated by hear and how she handled certain things. The same with her in-laws and husband. I am sure her husband is not the monster she made him out to be, but that doesn't make her a liar. He probably did many things that hurt her deeply without knowing it simply because he didnt understand her and lacked knowledge in certain areas. he may have tried very hard but she couldn't see it. Readers need to realize that when writing a personal story, the author is always biased and telling the story how she experienced it. Obviously, there is always another side to every story.

There are definitely things she says in the book that are not true in Judaism but from the book it sounds like it is. But what do I know? It is possible that she had teachers and family that were not so knowledgeable and told her things that I know are not true. Sometimes she made it sound that something she experienced was common place in her society and I feel that this is coming from her own biases. She makes it sound like all Chassidish boys are perverts because they are so separate from the girls, but though her experiences may have shown her that, I doubt it is as common as it seems from her book. There are many examples in the book like that where satmar chassidim are painted in a very negative light. I don't think her purpose of the book was to bash satmar or judaism, but her negative feelings caused things to look worse than they are.

I feel sorry for her and I understand why she left. She felt lost,misunderstood and unhappy a lot of her life and it seemed to get worse as time went on. She had valid reasons for being unhappy and did not have the tools to deal with those issues in a healthy and positive way. After reading it I thought a lot about what parents can do to prevent their children from going OTD. Obviously you can't control your kids, but you can try your best to provide them with an environment where they feel happy and safe. I think that if she had gotten better answers to her hashkafic questions and had a role model who she felt understood her then even though she felt restricted and different, she may have not lost her belief in Hashem. She probably could never have remained Satmar happily, but perhaps she could have found her place somewhere else in the frum world.

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