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What is Worse? A Secret Affair or Secret Apikorsus?
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Poll

Would you be less upset if you found out that your husband was secretly being mechallel shabbos or that he was cheating on you?
I would be more upset about chillul shabbos
 8%  [ 20 ]
I would be more upset about an affair
 91%  [ 216 ]
Total Votes : 236


marina









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:34 pm
I'm having an interesting conversation with some friends about different versions of morality and relativism and so on. This question came up and my position, obviously, is that an affair is much worse. But someone noted that I'm biased because apikorsus is not such a problem for me Wink So I thought I'd poll you ladies and see what you think.

What's worse for you to find out about your spouse? That he's been cheating on you or that he's been facebooking in the bathroom on shabbos?

I understand that it's a given that you will be upset either way and that both of these are horrible and life altering. I'm just trying to see which is worse from a frum woman's pov.
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yummymummy









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:37 pm
Apikorsus is cheating on G-d, an affair is cheating on you.
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sequoia









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:42 pm
Will anyone really say the latter is worse?
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Squishy









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:47 pm
For sure facebooking in the bathroom. Gross. Now if my spouse were cheating on me in the bathroom, I would have a problem with that also.
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Arcy









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:48 pm
I think both are equally bad. I hope to never deal w/ either of them. However, I think if a person is a Yirei Shamayim, and has a fear/awe of Hashem, he will never cheat on his wife. (or do any other immoral acts)
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Faigy86









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:50 pm
Makes a big difference if the question is - which is objectively worse, or which hurts you more...

Objectively, assuming they are both taava based aveiros, (the example of facebooking on shabbos) they should be aproximately the same. Obviously, on an emotional level, it isn't!!!

But, if we are talking about real apikorsus (not taava based) then on an objective level, the apikorsus is much worse...

But, my knee jerk reaction is "Apikorsus is cheating on G-d, an affair is cheating on you." and I hope we all agree which one feels worse...
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bradybunch









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:53 pm
Chilul shabbos is between him and God. If he's doing it in front of the kids that's an issue as far as chinuch, but I probably have a different perspective on that one too since my parents don't keep shabbos and are around the kids all the time. That's something I would totally work around to save a marriage.

Cheating on me is directly about our relationship. It is much more likely to end a relationship, as far as I'm concerned.

(Note that I don't currently have a DH so this is even more hypothetical)
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celestial









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:56 pm
I do not think they are equally bad. You can see a person's love for G-d in how they treat their fellow human being. Struggle with faith is not malicious, as much as it might represent a weakness.
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red sea









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 5:58 pm
Betrayal hurts most to the betrayed one. I am still a mere mortal.
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imamiri









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:23 pm
Pffft. DH breaking Shabbat doesn't even rank anywhere near cheating on me in my book. My answer is cheating on me would be much worse.
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sequoia









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:27 pm
This is ridiculous. Cheating on your spouse is wrong in addition to being a betrayal of the person. It's not like breaking shabbat is wrong inherently but cheating on your spouse is only bad because the other person wouldn't like it, as some posters are making it sound.
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jelly belly









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:28 pm
Worse in what regard?
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Simple1









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:29 pm
Not sure what my answer would be, it would depend on the details ...

but I think you should have a poll option for "equally upset"
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wereafamily









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:39 pm
Something is wrong with the voting system, I voted chillul Shabbos but It doesn't show that I voted... whats going on?
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OutATowner









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:42 pm
Cheating on one's wife would be against his wife and Hashem. It's also apikorsus, just as much one of the 10 Commandments as shabbos is- so the answer is an affair is worse because it's against both wife and Hashem, while chilul shabbos is just Hashem.
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sequoia









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:44 pm
OutATowner wrote:
Cheating on one's wife would be against his wife and Hashem. It's also apikorsus, just as much one of the 10 Commandments as shabbos is- so the answer is an affair is worse because it's against both wife and Hashem, while chilul shabbos is just Hashem.


That's what I was trying to say.
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yummymummy









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 6:57 pm
OutATowner wrote:
Cheating on one's wife would be against his wife and Hashem. It's also apikorsus, just as much one of the 10 Commandments as shabbos is- so the answer is an affair is worse because it's against both wife and Hashem, while chilul shabbos is just Hashem.


Why is cheating on a spouse apikorsus? Just because a person sins we don't call them an apikores.
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EmesOrNT









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 7:10 pm
Technically, a man sleeping with another women while married is not an issur d'oreisa.

I voted for the cheating being worse, just because I that affects me, and I'm selfish that way.
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OutATowner









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 7:15 pm
The example given was chillul shabbos. From my understanding, adultery is the same severity. Actually, it is more because it is one of the 3 "ya'harog v'al ya'avor," you should rather be killed than commit adultery.
An true apikores is rare. It's someone who knows every halacha and every part of the Torah and still rejects it.
So if you are saying what's worse- spouse going against you or Hashem, adultery is both, therefore I would be upset about an affair. Also, to be practical, it's a lot easier to find a solution if you are a united front. It's easier to rectify the situation if it wasn't as personal.
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WriterMom









  


Post  Mon, Feb 20 2012, 7:20 pm
marina wrote:
That he's been cheating on you or that he's been facebooking in the bathroom on shabbos?

Was it my laptop he was taking into the bathroom? If so, he had bloody well disinfect it or he's sleeping on the couch.
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