Help 4 year old deal with a NO

Thu, Mar 29 2012, 8:45 pm

So my son is 4 1/2 and many times when told NO or anything negative (or something he doesn't like) will react with Chutzpah/threatening. Very often he will come over & hit me Sad

. I'm not as concerned with the threats ("if you don't give it to me I'm gonna xyz") as I am with the hitting/kicking of me, which I percieve as a big 'no no'. I've tried ignoring it, then after a while when that didn't work I tried timing out for it without results..
Any advice??

imasinger

Thu, Mar 29 2012, 11:16 pm

OP, is he in any kind of playgroup or preschool? Does he either do or see such behavior there?

I have a little song I made up for my kids. I wanted them to limit their negative reactions to a pout, and to remember that there are many times when they get what they want:

Sometimes the answer is "yes"
Sometimes the answer is "no"
Sometimes the answer is "maybe"...
That means I really don't know.

I smile when the answer is "yes" (hurray!)
I pout when the answer is "no" (pouty face)
I hope when the answer is maybe
That it will soon be so.

Time outs should work if you are doing them right. In general, kids don't stop misbehaving right away, but do so over a relatively short time. What does your timeout place look like, and how long are you putting him in for? What do you do after it's done?

The advice I heard, which really helped me, is to make sure that timeouts are given only for a few infractions (being unsafe or violent, or not listening within a reasonable time), in a boring place (laundry room, stairwell), are VERY short (I usually do 2-5 minutes), and are ended with praise for doing a good job taking the time-out. An apology is in order to someone who has been the subject of violence.

Hang in there! If you don't see any improvement in a week or two, I'd suggest looking to someone local for guidance. You certainly don't want him to build this habit.

naomi2

Fri, Mar 30 2012, 2:04 pm

when I have to say no to my son, I do this instead
1. repeat what he says very sincerely (you want to eat your candy right now and not wait till after supper? nod nod.
2. tell him when he could have or do what it is`that he wants
3. put the item aside in a place that he chooses or write a note with him about when you will do xyz
3. distract him very quickly
4 if he persists or hits. I say "hitting is not allowed so I will walk away. we are finished discussing xyz"
5 walk away

granolamom

Fri, Mar 30 2012, 5:40 pm

are you me?
I am at my wits end with my almost 5 yo. in the last few months he has developed this same behavior. now his threat is 'if you dont let me I wont ever give you hugs or kisses' and then he proceeds to full-out tantrum. he will sometimes push me or shove me too. when he does that I just tell him I dont like to be pushed and I go into my room and close the door for a few minutes. thankfully, he doesnt do it very often, I guess the consequence for that one works for him.

I dont remember my older kids going through this, and it is frustrating.
so I have no advice, just sympathy.

granolamom

Fri, Mar 30 2012, 5:41 pm

naomi2 wrote:

ah, that's a good idea.