do you think this would be rude of me?

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 3:26 pm

normally I go to spend seder with my sister at her house. I am divorced but my sister and I are very close and ever since we were young we spent seder together. I mean there are occasional times we haven't, like for example if one of us was away or ill or whatever.

but this year a friend of mine invited me to her house, and though I would usually say no to any friend because I am not that close to my other friends and would go to my sister, this is a friend I reconnected with three years ago (we used to go to school together when we were little) and we've become close. do you think it would be rude to tell my sister I am going to a friend's house for seder or is it ok?

1Life2Live

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 3:30 pm

I don't think that making the best decision for yourself is rude. She might not be happy about it, but it's not rude. Is Pesach the only time you see your sister that she would be upset?

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 3:39 pm

I don't know your sister and how she would react, how sensitive she is etc. but if I was your sister I personally wouldn't mind at all. as long as you are happy

MrsDash

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 3:46 pm

You can always play it safe, and ask your sister outright what she thinks about it. Tell her to be honest. You won't mind either way or something else that makes your thoughts on this situation appear neutral.

But -

What will make YOU happier? Doing something for yourself is not selfish. Sometimes people do so much for others, they tend to forget about their wants, and needs.

abound

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 3:52 pm

Basically you are saying that you and your sister usually spend the chag together. This year with less than 2 weeks to Pesach you want to leave your sister to a quiet lonely seder so that you can enjoy it with a friend. How would you feel if 4 years ago, before you met this friend your sister would have told you that she is spending that seder with other people so you need to be on your own? More importantly, how does she feel about it, because her opinion is the only one you need to consider.

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:02 pm

Liba wrote:

Have you already told your sister you were coming this year? I think that makes a big difference. Smile

no we have not talked about it yet (I know it is soon but it hasn't arisen in conversation yet). my friend asked me a few days ago.

ora_43

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:04 pm

I don't think it'd be rude, exactly. But my personal feeling is that seder night is a time to be with family if possible.

Really it all comes down to what you and your sister both want, how often you see each other, things like that. If she'd be disappointed if you went elsewhere, IMHO you should go to her.

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:06 pm

abound wrote:

in answer to your question my sister would probably have said to me I could go with her if I want. many of our friends are happy to invite anyone, provided there is space

yes it would be a small seder, that's why I am trying to be sensitive, I know she would miss my company - but so what if it is a small seder, many families and seders are small. she would not be on her own - she is very happily married.

Liba

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:07 pm

So call and ask your sister what she thinks you should do. I would do something like this: "Hello sister! How are you? How are your Pesach preparations coming? I was wondering what you think I should do, since we haven't discussed where I will be yet. A friend of mine asked me to come to her seder and it would be nice, but I would also be very happy to be with you like usual. What do you think?" Then gauge from her reaction how she feels about the idea of you not being there.

If she will be upset, go to her. If she has other guests coming and doesn't care either way, then the choice is up to you. If she thinks that it is best for you to go to your other friend, problem solved. Smile

Hatzlacha figuring it out while keeping shalom!

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:09 pm

ora_43 wrote:

I am the op - I see my sister very often.
I am only thinking about it because I am trying not to offend anybody and while I would like to go to my friend, obviously I love my sister and her company too.

amother

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 4:16 pm

in my family family members are sometimes here one year, sometimes not etc. for example, my father usually goes to spend seder at his sister's house with my mum. his other brother goes there as well. this year his sister called up a few days ago, she goes "hey, just to let you know, I'm going to my friend's house for seder this year - if you and margaret (my mum), don't have anywhere else to go, my friend is happy for a few people who don't have anywhere to go to come along" (was so funny, we were laughing about it!)

ElTam

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 6:25 pm

I would explain to your friend that you have a tradition to go to your sister. (Especially since she has small seders, you would really be missed.) Maybe you and your friend can have one of the other meals together?

SingALong

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 6:42 pm

Are you having two sedarim? Do your friend and sis live close enough that you can do one Seder night by your sis and the other by your friend?

flowerpower

Tue, Mar 27 2012, 9:55 pm

Since you go to your sister every year and she is family she comes first. Ask her what she thinks of you going to your friend and make your decision based on that.