Should I call the cops on my teen?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 1:49 am

Not quite a teen but behaving like one for sure!
My 12-yr-old ds has become very very aggressive, and has been biting and beating up on his younger sis. I have tried charts, time-out, but nothing doing. He must have a lot of rage inside! Has been in therapy, but since he stopped he has gotten out of hand. I intend to get him back into therapy but in the meantime:
I have told him that his beating up on his sis and biting her could result in serious injury and that I may have to call the cops to take him to prison. In NY people who are assaulted are allowed to call cops for protection.
Now, I am thinking to actually do it: call the cops next time he beats her up. It just might be a good wake-up call.
And his younger sis will finally see that I am serious about her safety. That I will no longer allow her to be bullied like that.
Has anyone ever tried it?

HindaRochel

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:05 am

I would try and get him into an residential treatment facility first. Just check it out; make sure to talk with other parents whose children have been through that hospital, what the results were, how they were treated by the hospital staff etc. etc.

I would use prison/police as a last resort. (Unless you know a police officer friend who could come read him the riot act and take him to see what the inside of a jail looks like)

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:20 am

Where is your husband/ boy's father in this picture? Sometimes the father is stronger when it comes to discipline. What are the possibilities in your case?

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:31 am

Why not get in touch asap with a Jewish organization for at risk teens, such as MASK? Have you tried them? They certainly have the experience and expertise to answer your question, and can guide you through all the important steps of handling your son's case. No doubt they can coordinate these steps with consulting Rabbonim, which would be at least the initial way of dealing with the problem.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:35 am

My son's father has moved overseas with a girlfriend....hence his rage, I suppose.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 4:28 am

Get him a big brother. I think the national org has Jewish chapters and they recognize the value of religious activity. They have been successful for 2 generations with these kinds of situations. Its better than theraoy because instead of acting like he is sick (he has to go for treatment) he will have a trained, positive male figure he can have fun with and open up to.

If you can't get one through them see if there is someone the local yeshiva gedola or kollel can recommend. They normally volunteer 4 hrs/wk or 2.

Motek

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 6:55 am

dear cruel amothers who think nothing of humiliating me on the forum behind the mask of anonymity, I'm sure you'll be happy to know I deleted my awful, insensitive, naive post

Last edited by Motek on Sun, Dec 10 2006, 12:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

ShiraMiri

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 7:04 am

Let's not bash amother - she also has an obligation to protect her daughter! Her daughter is going through the same abandonment as her son - and in addition she is being physically abused!

I don't know that calling the cops is the answer - but a big brother, a rabbi, a Jewish Family Services social worker, all these suggestions by the other posters sound promising.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 7:09 am

12 is awful young to be putting him through the neglected/delinquent systems. I am sure that if you work on a nurturing relationship and a strong, positive male figure steps in he will be OK. Real delinquents have to have done something really bad or be quite hardened for this kind of treatment. What happened must be as least as hard on you but please try to remember that he is a victim and not stam acting out.

He will need a man to be with him at his BM and as he enters the age when his identity is formed. Especially after seeing the behaviour of his father.

Flowerchild

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 7:19 am

first amother, im sorry what you are going through. since the father is not in the picture and I dont know if you remarried, doesnt sound like it, I think your son desparetly needs his mother, from your post it sounds like he doesnt have your love, support and understanding. it does not seem that you are talking to him and helping resolve his anger, it also sounds that you, yourself have unresolves issues, particularly with men

Quote:

And his younger sis will finally see that I am serious about her safety. That I will no longer allow her to be bullied like that.

he is still your son, and yes of course him beating your daughter is terrible and absolutely wrong, but if he is going through pain and he is expressing that through physical contact with his younger more fragile sister then he needs emotinal help asap. perhaps he doesnt know how to express his anger verbally so he uses his hands to inflict pain that he feels on someone he loves. he must go back to therapy and you have to try to be there for him emotinally, this thing with your husband happened to all of you, dont know when it did, but it sure effected you all. he is still 12 and he still needs his mother. also by you calling police on him chances are that will turn his rage into more rage, rather then help him and wake him up. if he has bottled up anger and he needs to let it out then arresting him wont help one bit. go to a good therapist and ask what to do at home and how to help this boy to become normal.

do you have brothers, uncles that he can talk to, grandfather, rabbi, someone mentioned big brother- a mentor, someone in school he can talk to? anyone at all aside from you? do you have support, do you have someone to talk to, someone there to support your emotional needs?

one thing I want to say is that I am not bashing you or trying to make you feel bad.!

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 7:40 am

I once called police when my troubled son ran away. they told me they wouldn't be involved in a parenting problem and if I called again they would take him from me
(great help)

I read a great book by Dr. Scott Sells called Parenting your Out of Control Teen it is a good mix of firm parenting with logic and love. We also went through a day inpatient psyc program

sometimes just hugs is not enough and real professional intervention is required. if there is anger at the mother, she will be less effective on her own with a discipline plan

btw the psyc program was not within the community (we tried for three years to find someone) but they were extremely accomodating to our special needs/issues-and were successful with him

Tefila

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 7:54 am

Quote:

His father abandoned him and you have tried punishments and are contemplating calling a cop?!

Amother I feel bad for you sounds like your ex was a real loser Exploding anger

But don't punish the poor boy in this way for his rage.

Yes he needs help asap. Exclamation

Or do u have somewhere till he gets the needed help to send your dd for safety like a relative etc Confused

. The boy needs a parent right now imo. And sad as it may seem for her safety for u to focus on him with professional help maybe just for a little while have her visit somone Confused

.

Amother hugs I so wish I could help u more. But there are resources out there try it. The police NO they are not for this. ANd then you will risk losing him altogether Sad

Mitzvahmom

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 8:02 am

when I first left my ex husband, within the first year I was very scared of my DD. I did call social services and ask what to do, and they said if I could not Handle her, they would take her away!! Crying

I got her into intensive therapy, and made sure the boys got a break from her.. B"H different rooms, and once she saw that I would never go back to my ex she calmed down quite a bit. My second year away from him, she had rage fits...and I would close her in her room until she calmed down. B"H she's leveled out this year, but she is still in therapy.

Now my middle child is starting to kind of "burst" so to speak. Rather than calming down he get's really angry when my youngest "bugs" him. I caught him pushing his head into a pillow and pushing him really hard. With children that have been abused or even abandoned and not had positive male influences it's really a shame. Therapy Therapy and lots of love... we are all our kids have

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 9:18 am

why does he do this?? and where did he learn this from? yes he needs major therapy asap. poor kid whats bothering him???

healthymama

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 9:49 am

Why not try an anger management group for teens ? I'm sure there are some in your area and if you don't know of any ask his counselor/therapist/social worker to recommend one. He seems like he needs to develop more appropriate ways of demonstrating his feelings.

Also, the biting part is the most concerning. That is not developmentally appropriate.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 9:55 am

Quote:

How about trying hugs and love and following imaonwheels' good advice?

I happen to agree! If you want your son to abndon YOU, then yes call the cops. this must be cvery hard, but dont u see where hes coming from? of course hes angry! therapy hopefully can help him manage his anger batter..... I think he does need ALOT of love and positive attention as much as possible.

greenfire

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 10:12 am

Even if the cops were normal and wanted to scare tactic him with an unruly charge, they actually let him go home immediately into your custody (cause he's too young) and then you have to go to court - and guess who pays the money to the court YOU - and then the kid will be angrier and who suffers more YOU

I agree with the big brother - someone who could positively influence him under the guise of fun - who he could open up to and talk to. As much as we are there for them mothers take the fall and the blame (apparently from everybody). Continue to show him you love him unconditionally cause kids always need to know this - somewhere inside he is listening. Let him know his behavior is just not right - he actually knows this already & probably just doesn't have the emotional skill right now to control himself. work on that in therapy. There is a newish therapy called DBT dialectical behavior therapy - that can work wonders. See where you can obtain (It's usually a group type therapy - other kids are working on their behavior too and he doesn't feel like such an outcast)

I feel for you - continually going through stuff myself so I understand the frustration, etc. when you just want the best for all of your kids.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 10:15 am

OP here,
Well, this is the danger of internet: you've got a whole bunch of anonymous ladies giving their opinions on your situation without having enough information.
With that in mind, let me fill you in on some details, perhaps you will rewrite your prescriptions, (some of you).
I am a very loving caring mother, am not in the habit of hitting my kids at all. My kids are generally obedient and my parenting skills are definitely up to par, as my neighbors and others always comment.
I walk my son to yeshiva every morning, we spend one-on-one time every single evening. He tells me EVERYTHING, whatever is on his mind. I take it I am doing a very good job at being there for him, that he can trust me with whatever he has on his mind.
I have tried big brother programs and they just don't have a big brother for him, or else they just don't think he's that severe. Are they waiting for him to stab someone, and then he'll qualify....?
I have tried getting his rebbe to spend time with him, but rebbe is too busy with his own family. Maybe money would talk, but I ain't got the money, even if I were to reprioritize.
His teacher, not rebbe, keeps on punishing him for minor infractions such as calling out of turn. He sends him out of class at least once or twice a week. I have spoken to the principal about it but he is quite unsympathetic. He believes my son just has to WANT to behave, that's all. I have explained that he has emotional stuff going on , but he wouldn't hear of it.
So, mainly I posted cuz I wanted to hear if anyone has ever gone the 911 route, and I appreciate hearing from those posters. Basically, I am hearing that if it is a parenting issue they will not meddle. This is a real catch 22 situation. Cuz when he will hurt an outsider I will be taken to task for that.... I think I will try through other channels, to get a cop to come give my son the riot act. My dd is at serious risk of suffering irreparable injury, and I may just be charged with neglect if I don't take matters into my hands...
Thanks all for sharing. And remember, try sticking to the OP's question and ask for clarification before issuing your recommendations. We will all be happier this way.

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 10:28 am

You should not do it, my mom did that to my sister bc she could not handle her, todat my sister is fine but she does not have a relationship with her. A child is never a criminal!

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 10:32 am

OP, I'm so sorry about your situation. Would you consider medicating your child? Perhaps that may provide some relief for all of you. Maybe others who have medicated their kids can give some feedback here, so that you can make an informed decision.

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