Should I call the cops on my teen?

Piper

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 1:34 pm

OP, do you have any brothers, cousins, uncles, who can be a big brother to him? His yeshiva seems very unsympathetic to his situation. I would consider moving him elsewhere. Getting picked on by the teacher is most certainly fueling his rage.

It seems you are doing your best, and I commend you for that. But boys do need positive male role models in their teens. Maybe your rebbe can find an older boy in the community to help mentor him. It is the rebbe's job to make sure that his community is well cared for. Your son is also at risk for going off the derech. doesn't he know that?

jewgal84

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 1:51 pm

Quote:

OP here,
Well, this is the danger of internet: you've got a whole bunch of anonymous ladies giving their opinions on your situation without having enough information.
With that in mind, let me fill you in on some details, perhaps you will rewrite your prescriptions, (some of you).

Let's not jump the gun, b4 accusing ladies of giving their impractical advice, how abouy starting off with giving the full story in the first place.. What

!!

Calling the cops IMO I would leave for more serious crimes, such as drugs, stealing, underage drinking, etc and as I'm reading your post, I notice that BH your son isn't in that stage.

greenfire

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 2:35 pm

I posted my earlier post specifically not being anonymous (even though I wanted to) mostly for the OP. I want you to know that you are not alone. I have dealt and continually deal on different levels with harsh behavior. It's always easier for people not going through similar situations to judge and blame. The mothers are not at fault and I felt hurt at the finger pointing to you. I am sure as you have posted you take the time for your son. Figure out ways to help your daughter as well so she doesn't end up with hugh problems as well. Get her a big sister (they're easier to find for the girls) so she can get some time away without the pressures of the family. Check out DBT groups in your hood - there have got to be some. I'm sorry you have a hard time getting a good role model for your son. Although I couldn't find a big brother for mine his rabbeim were mostly helpful. I had my worst emotional and aggressive behavior with my girls though.

queen

Sun, Dec 10 2006, 9:09 pm

I would not call the cops on one's own child. There has got to be a diff. way to handle it.
Also, if you do call the cops, very possibly they'll get a social worker on your case to valedate that you really can cope with your kids with the possability of trying to get them away from you.

I wish there was a person who you can talk to one-on-one (not via anonymous amothers) who you can share what is going on, and get some real advice- and that they carry through with you and keep up with what's going on.

I wish you luck and much hatzlacha!!! (makes me Sad

that you're finding your son's school unresponsive)

amother

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 12:36 am

Quote:

Now, I am thinking to actually do it: call the cops next time he beats her up. It just might be a good wake-up call.

Quote:

He believes my son just has to WANT to behave, that's all. I have explained that he has emotional stuff going on , but he wouldn't hear of it.

it seems at first you want the police to 'scare' your son into wanting to behave better, but later you say that the 'emotional stuff' gets in the way

I think children who exhibit these extreme behaviors must be troubled and a scare tactic is probably not the most permanently effective way to go.

not all children look forward to being psychoanalyzed, but good parents (and I believe you are a good one) do what they think is best. There has to be a good mix of firm parenting and unconditional love

ask your pediatrician for a good therapist and make sure he/she has experience with this kind of behavior on this age boy

please try to read the book by Scott Sells that I recommended; even good parents (especially good parents) sometimes need professional advice

Quote:

I read a great book by Dr. Scott Sells called Parenting your Out of Control Teen it is a good mix of firm parenting with logic and love.

in the meantime, do try to keep your daughter supervised at all times the brother is home

amother

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 12:54 am

Op here,
To clarify the seeming contradiction, let me explain. Every person needs to know that his/her actions have consequences. When my son does not put his clothes in the hamper they don't get washed, when he leaves his towel on the floor he doesn't have a dry one the next day, etc.
When a person in society hurts/assaults another, the natural consequence is that the victim is entitled to law enforcement. When a mother has done all she could to discipline and provide the warmth her son needs, it just may be time for him to learn how society deals with assaulters. Because if at a later age he will punch his wife, she will hopefully call the cops on him. Does it matter at what age this child learns there are legal consequences to his actions? Certainly, the sooner he learns it, the sooner he will realize, "Hey, this is serious stuff. Beating up on a victim is NOT being tolerated around here."
It goes without saying that at the same time as the natural consequences are allowed to fall, mother continues to provide for his emotional needs, having him in good therapy and she learning how to deal with him.
But the victim need not sit and wait for the therapy to ''take effect''. Victim needs to be protected until it is relatively safe to say that perpetrator has learned and absorbed new ways of expressing his anger.

Do I remember correctly, that Kayin killed Hevel (or vice versa)?
Do I remember correctly, that the brothers put Yosaif in a pit?
Do I remember correctly that Dovid ran away from his very own son?
Do I remember correctly that......?

chavamom

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 1:08 am

I have known a few families with similar situations where the child went to live with a third party while they all got therapy. I would definately ask professional advice about your specific situation before doing such a thing, but it is something to protect the other kids involved and the 'offender' will often take a third party's rules more seriously.

Piper

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 1:26 am

amother wrote:

you know your son better than anyone else. Maybe you need the police to intervene. But what the poster above me suggested might be a good idea.

amother

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 1:39 am

please dont mistake this for an attack on you-remember I've been there

you are absolutely right that there are consequences for actions
the police are really there for bad choices made by adults

if you thought it was only about a bad decision he made you could correct him. I remember you said you talk all the time, he opens up to you, so just telling him biting is a mistake should work, no?

by not heeding your good motherly advice, your son is telling you he needs help.

Quote:

When a mother has done all she could to discipline and provide the warmth her son needs,

at 12 years im sure you are not ready to give up your authority to the police and say you've done everything, please at least read the book with an open mind-it outlines specific steps to take with outrageous behavior to regain your authority and the good relationship

gryp

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 11:04 am

Quote:

When a mother has done all she could to discipline and provide the warmth her son needs, it just may be time for him to learn how society deals with assaulters.

amother, I hear what youre saying, but aren't we talking about a 12 year old?

by the way, I'm interested since you havent told us exactly, what do you do when he hurts his sister? what are the consequences/ punishments/ loss of privileges?

JRKmommy

Mon, Dec 11 2006, 2:40 pm

OP: I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm a family lawyer who has done a fair bit of work in the child protection field.

You are absolutely correct to think that it is your responsibility to protect your daughter. Brainstorm and think about the various ways that you can ensure that she is safe. I have, unfortunately, seen severe cases where sibling safety was a real issue. You need to find a way to make sure that they are never left unsupervised - ever.

Make the rules crystal-clear to your son. Tell him that you will listen to him, that he is allowed to be upset, that you will try to help him - but that physically harming another person is not to be tolerated, no excuses.

Are there any family member who can assist, by taking either your son or daughter to live with them for a while, or helping you to supervise the children?

In my area, Jewish Family and Child Services is licenced to provide child protection services. They will work with families on a voluntary basis, which avoids the need for court proceedings. In some cases, where a child cannot be controlled in the home, they may have services which are needed. Your son needs love and support - absolutely - but he also need structure and limits. It doesn't do HIM any good to get away with hurting anyone, and if he ever did cause severe damage to his sister, he'd feel horrible about it for the rest of his life.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2006, 12:11 pm

amother wrote:

Because if at a later age he will punch his wife, she will hopefully call the cops on him. Does it matter at what age this child learns there are legal consequences to his actions?

Quote:

Do I remember correctly, that Kayin killed Hevel (or vice versa)?
Do I remember correctly, that the brothers put Yosaif in a pit?
Do I remember correctly that Dovid ran away from his very own son?
Do I remember correctly that......?

The point being? shock