I don't like my mother AH's name... help...

amother

Papaya

Thu, May 12 2016, 3:40 pm

I know it sounds superficial, but my dear mother who passed away a few years ago has a name that is really at the bottom of the list of names that I like. The type that I'd be embarrassed to tell people the baby's name in case they think it's a name I chose because I liked it. I know I will have to use it and I know that naming an alternative/adding a name isn't really naming after someone properly, so what am I meant to do? I don't think it will grow on me, and I loved my mother but not because of her name! It's an ordinary name, not something super weird, but not super common either because it's not pretty like other girls names.

Chayalle

Thu, May 12 2016, 3:49 pm

My mother A"H passed away last year. She had two not-very-used-not-at-all-common names, so the discussions of what-to-do have begun. Add to this the fact that my mother did not like her own name and said so on many occasions, and said we shouldn't use the name, and that when she grew up kids made fun of her (which might not happen now, who knows).

My brother and SIL had a baby girl soon after, and their Rav said to give the name as is. SIL was not happy with the name, so the two of them came up with a nickname that is similar to one of the names, and that is what they are calling her.

Could you find a nickname that would work for you?

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, May 12 2016, 4:16 pm

I like what chayalle above me said. Name the full name and then use a nickname that you like. I know a little girl named zehava chava or something like that but they call her Goldie.

But call her by her full name from time to time. It brings down special brachos in each letter.

I also find that with one of my boys who is named after a rav we were very close with I think of the rav a"h almost everytime I say my son's name even if I only use one of his 2 names. That must count for something in shamayim. The ravs memory truly lives on everytime say our sons name. BH

PinkFridge

Thu, May 12 2016, 7:48 pm

amother wrote:

You should do what you feel good about, and I say this as someone who also had a mother to name after (and did, it was an easy name to use). And if this were a grandmother who died young, I'd say you could/should add a name but I've heard that if it's one's own parents you needn't add a name.

I've also heard that the biggest aliya to the neshama, or whatever is involved, applies to the first year. (Though I've seen with certain names in my family how the different children named after the relative have some common techunos, even years later. So go figure Tongue Out

)
If I were you, I would use a similar name, e.g. other language, or a name using similar consonants. Tell your daughter that you chose not to use the actual name but that it would be a great bracha for her to channel her bubby as she goes through life.

And if the name grows on you, that could be a beautiful thing. But DON'T feel pressured.
And if this is for the near future, b'shaa tova!

sourstix

Thu, May 12 2016, 8:14 pm

why wouldnt you add your mothers mothers name =maternal grandmother to your mothers name and call her by your grandmothers name. its not like you didnt give her the name. you wont feel like you ignored your mother "so to speak" I mean you gave respect. its not like the child wont know about the name.
Many people have more then one name and dont use it.

I wouldnt feel bad doing this at all. I dont think I would change the name bec the name is different and its not the right name.

PinkFridge

Fri, May 13 2016, 8:18 am

gande wrote:

Add a neutral name like Chaya or chava. If she passed away when she was not so old yet, it is customary to add another name anyways. As one poster mentioned above, call her by boss names occasionally an/or use a nickname that you like.

One needs to consult a rav or find out minhagim but I've heard that to name a child for one's parent, one does not need to add a name, even if the parent died young. I didn't know that when I named my daughter so I did add a name, but as sourstix suggested, I picked a direct matrilineal grandmother. This way, I figured that if my daughter ever favored one name over another, there would still be that connection. And then, I heard from an older relative that there were very nice memories handed down about her, so I really felt good about that.

amother

Plum

Fri, May 13 2016, 8:47 am

PinkFridge wrote:

KA"H my parents are both living, but when I named my daughter I gave her one of my grandmother's A"H two names and the first name of that grandmother's sister A"H, who never had kids of her own but was very close to her nieces and nephews (I.e. my mother and her siblings). I only heard warm things from my mother, who was so happy to have a granddaughter named after two women she loved so much.

PinkFridge

Fri, May 13 2016, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

That is beautiful! May you see much nachas from her and any siblings.

amother

Blonde

Fri, May 13 2016, 9:11 am

I named my son after my grandfather whom I loved very much, but whose name just doesn't do it for me. It's a perfectly typical name, but I personally don't connect to it. I don't like any of the nicknames associated with the name either.
It's been 19 years. The name still isn't on my top ten list. But the kid is amazing-- he has so many characteristics that I admired in my grandfather-- and that none of my other kids have!! And I love the kid more than anything!

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 3:42 am

Just reviving this, sorry I forgot I had posted it. I'd rather not mention the name. It's not unusual, just not pretty.

Thanks for all the advice. If a rav turned round and said I had to name my baby the exact name I probably would get over it, but part of me is still hoping I can find a way around it.

Also, it's difficult to pronounce and I have a lot of non-religious relatives. If we were to pick a name, like we did for my son, we would choose one that doesn't have any guttural ch sounds that are hard for others to pronounce etc. Another thing I'm afraid of is that all my grandparents are BH still alive, including my mother AH's parents who of course named her that name in the first place! Although my mother didn't go by her Hebrew name until she was an adult. So if I change it around it's like I'm disapproving of my grandparents' choice, and they won't like that...

Does anyone know if the name that was added when a person was sick is counted as part of their name for naming purposes, or not? That's another thing to think of.

Iymnok

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 3:58 am

If a name was added for a sick person and they didn't get better, I believe it doesn't stay. But if the person got better then had a relapse, it does.

Either way you could add a name and use that.

Also, can you talk to your grandparents about the origin of the name? That may help.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 6:55 am

amother wrote:

I believe if the person lived 30 days past the name change the new name holds. Speak to your Rav.

saw50st8

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 7:45 am

We named my oldest after my father (and DH's grandfather and my grandfather's nephew), but I didn't love his name. So we call him by his English name. His hebrew name still gets used a lot (in Hebrew class, eventually when he gets called to the Torah etc) so he definitely connects to it.

Also, many people add names. Some people don't consider it naming after, others do. We considered DS named after DH's grandfather (who was just Meir without a middle name and my son has a middle name) but his grandmother doesn't. It's really about you though.

Also, if your fear is solely based on other people, don't worry about that. I have friends with kids who have strange names. It works for them and I assume they are family names.

Chayalle

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 9:14 am

In terms of an added name, my grandmother A"H was sick as a child and they added the name "alte" to her regular name. That name was part of her name for most of her life. Some of us were told to include that name when naming for her, and some were told not to. For example, my youngest sister is named after her without the alte, as my parents were told to just give her birth name. But my sister's Rav said to give the whole name including alte.

Ask your LOR.....

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 12:57 pm

My mother passes away when I was young, and I felt really torn about naming my daughter after her. I loved my mom but just didn't like her name- she had 2 regular jewish names and was called by them both.

I added my mother's first name to a name I loved. Our Rav also said that since my mom passed away young and in a tragic way, we should name our daughter aftewr her but add another name and call her by that name.

My mom's name was Chaya Rivka. I named my daughter Chaya Rina. The initials are the same and the names sound similar. I also feel that the name I chose for my daughter truly emulates my mom's personality- a woman who loved life.. We call my daughter "rina" but she knows she has 2 names and is very proud of them!

Maybe name your daughter a name that reminds you of your mom?

amother

Violet

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 1:14 pm

What about a scenario where u don't like the person? I wud not want my grandchild or child named after a person who I did not like or respect at all. So I think a name is a parents choice even if it upsets pple I know a scenario where a grandfather ignores his grandchild cse the parents chose to give a name of a relative they knew better and was a closer relation to the child like a great grandfather not a great great grandfather .... so In the end parents have to be able to call the name for the rest of the child's life and not feel like they where forced into a name. Advice is to add a name and use the added name

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 1:16 pm

I have a very unusual name so my parents added a name, just in case I didnt like it or my husband is not gonna like it (thats what my father told me when I was a girl)I didn't mind it at all. but once I got married my dh dropped the unusual name and it bothers my father. Go figure.

But I think it was a very smart thing of my parents to add a name

Maybe

Tue, Jun 14 2016, 1:41 pm

amother wrote:

Only if they lived for another 30 days, with added name.