14-Year-Old DS About to Be Kicked Out of Yeshiva-WWYD?

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 3:58 am

This is not your usual misdemeanor. DS learns, has yiras Shomayim and AFAIK isn't chasing girls, smoking or on drugs.

What he did was call the police late last night from a public phone and said that an Arab had ch'v gotten into the dorm and was stabbing bochurim. Of course, the police, ambulances, etc, turned up and found it was all a "joke" that was not funny. Now ds is in terrible trouble and about to be sent home. I only found out about this ten minutes ago when his rosh yeshiva called. The rosh yeshiva wants me to take ds to the police and tell them he did it. But though I am against what ds did, unless they're looking for the culprit I'm in no hurry.

I said to the rosh yeshiva that ds is an idiot - but he's very young and to throw him out now for this could mean the end of his yeshiva career. I know it was wrong, but should he mess up his whole life for something so stupid?

DS hasn't called me. I assume he's on his way home.

I dont dare tell his father (we're divorced and though we talk, it's not great).

I don't know what to say to him when he gets home.

Any advice or chizzuk will be welcome. And yes I know my ds is an irresponsible idiot seeking attention. Please don't rub it in.

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 4:22 am

I would probably have him seek counseling. Either this is a cry for help, in which case he could use counseling, or this is a prank, which is an altogether inappropriate prank for a 14 year old. Most 14 year olds would be aware of the effect of such a prank (and you don't mention that he's delayed at all) so at the very least, he could probably benefit from social guidance. I'm not trying to make you feel bad about him at all, and I don't know if punishment at this point is going to yield a lot of results since he's already being penalized by the school, but he really needs to understand cause and effect of his actions or, if it's a cry for help, be heard.
Actually, you should probably consult a professional who deals with young teens before taking any action with your son. She'll probably offer you better guidance than anyone here can.
In the meantime, Hug

and good luck!

grin

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 4:38 am

it sounds to me that this is a one-time occurance, not a sign of anything deep and untoward going on. I am for him going to the police to own up - he's old enough to face the repercussions of his actions - I don't think they'll do much to him there but it will be scary. and possibly a short suspension from his yeshiva - I hope they're not throwing him out for good for this??

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 4:39 am

That's what is so strange. He has a very high IQ. I also think he is seeking attention. And I have wanted him to do therapy for some time for his authority issues. But he refuses to do it. And when he was younger and did therapy, he was most uncooperative. He'll probably be worse now. But you're right. I wonder if this could be the catalyst.

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 4:41 am

I think they might throw him out for good. At Chanukah, I was begging them not to throw him out because he had "authority" issues, rather than yiras shomayim ones. He wouldn't obey the rules of Seder and was very defiant. But then he settled down and things were much better. So now that this has happened, they are at the end of their rope with him. And it doesn't look good.

shalhevet

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 5:18 am

I would try and cooperate with the yeshiva as much as possible.

If the RY wants him to go to the police, he should. It will also teach him a lesson of the seriousness of what he did without needing to be thrown out of yeshiva to get that lesson. Look, as an outsider he wasted thousands of shekels of taxpayers' money - it really is serious. And what if there would have been a genuine emergency at the same time and everyone would have been busy with this?

Talk to the yeshiva and beg that he be allowed to stay and say you will work with them that he should learn to listen to authority - whether it's counselling, punishments whatever. But IMHO as soon as someone gets thrown out (assuming the yeshiva is the right level for him learning wise etc.) it can only lead to negative results.

If the RY says to go to the police, and you say you support your ds not going, you are basically giving the message that you support him flouting the RY's authority - not good. You want to show the yeshiva you are working together to get your son on the right track.

b'hatzlacha and keep davenning. Tefillos can change everything!

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 5:20 am

Now the story gets a bit clearer. DS called me now - it was a group of them that did it and he wasn't necessarily the ringleader, but he was the oldest of them though not by much. He has told his father, and he says it might be a suspension now as he has expressed sincere regret. We'll only know on Sunday ...

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 5:31 am

Ouch. Sorry you have to deal with this. Good that he told his father on his own.

The problem (for which I do not have an answer) is that he could definitely benefit from therapy but while you may be able to drag a 14 year old to a therapist you cannot make him talk. If he was resistant when younger, it's likely he'll be resistant now.

I hate suspension as a punishment because basically all it does is give them a vacation. All the boys involved should be given some kind of community service job to do - wash the yeshiva windows, help some old people with their shopping, I don't know something useful that they don't want to do as opposed to just staying home for a few days. Also written apologies to the Rosh Yeshiva.

I feel your pain. Stay strong.

Yocheved84

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 6:16 am

My concern isn't the Yeshiva, but state (or federal!) charges that can stem from calling in such an incident. Anybody here can give you the parenting advice and a recommendation of a new yeshiva, but if I were you, consult a lawyer. Going to the police to own up to a supposed threat of this magnitude can only result in charges...it's not like you're bringing him back to Mr. Hooper's cornerstore after stealing a candy bar.

Seriously. Getting kicked out of a Yeshiva pales in comparison. Please ask a lawyer and stay away from volunteering yourself to the police. (Or do any of the lawyers on here agree/disagree?)

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 6:21 am

Yocheved84 wrote:

OP here - that was my thought as well so I told the yeshiva that I am in no hurry to do that unless they come looking for him and that I would take legal advice first. The RY actually agreed with me on second thought, when I said that. [Of course, his worry is that now the police are looking at the yeshiva, that they can't control their students and why isn't there some sort of supervision at night. for some reason, this seemed to worry him and the hanholah a lot ...]

chani8

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 6:36 am

YESHASettler wrote:

I think these boys need to have someone from Mercaz HaRav come in and talk about the attack there so give them all an idea of the seriousness of what they did.

That brought tears to my eyes. You are so right.

What foolish boys to think of doing such a thing. What were they thinking??

amother

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 6:48 am

Now it gets more serious.

It seems it started as a silly game to see how long it would take to get the police to come. So they called up and said they saw a thief and that didn't work until they hit upon the nastiest, most serious thing they could think of. DS was the ringleader and teh RY says he has to go to the police because otherwise the yeshiva will have to pay a heavy fine for wasting police time.

The RY says that as DS is a minor he probably won't get charged. I'm now worried that I'll have to pay the fine and that's no joke, though I'd understand why I might have to.

Now how am I supposd to leave a house of kids on erev Shabbos to that, especially as DS isn't even home yet and has no cell phone for me to reach him on????

ChossidMom

Fri, Apr 27 2012, 6:59 am

Omigosh! Hugs to you, OP!

I echo those that say not to go to the police today. Even if they tell the yeshiva to pay a fine, it's not happening TODAY or even on Sunday. My husband is very well versed in all legal things even though he's not a lawyer. I can ask his advice but he's out for the next few hours. One thing is for sure - he's always against running out THIS SECOND and doing something.
I really feel for you.