How Long to Send Away Kids After Birth?

fruitsalad

Thu, May 03 2012, 11:59 am

Im the second child of a big family of 13 choldren ki"h where my mom had a baby abouot every 2 years up until I was about 10 I was always sent away !

it doesnt effect them its part of growing up in a growing family and its part of the excitement of coming home after 2 weeks to meet the new baby!!!!!!!

ps I remember when I wa older and stayed home and the little kids were sent away my mom always had such feelings!!!!!

mael tov!!!!!!

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:05 pm

I will IYH be sending away for 2 weeks to my brother and SIL. As long as child likes the people he/she is going to it shouldn't be a problem. Child won't react any more to baby than if he/she stayed home. It's the same adjustment period anyway for a new baby in the house.

ElTam

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:06 pm

Is there are rule that says you have to do this? I know it is the norm in certain circles, but I didn't do it. My MIL and SIL who is not married came and helped, DH took a little time off work.

If you are going to a kempeturheim, could you use the money to have some help in instead.

That being said, I was gone four days with my kids (c-sections) and everybody was fine when I came home. Plenty of people send away and their kids are fine. Do what works for you!

B'sha'ah tovah!

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:30 pm

ElTam wrote:

OP, theres no rule. Mother & MIL are absolutely not avail to come over & help. I wouldn't appreciate having them in my cramped house rummaging through pots & pans & closets anyway. The kids are by my mother & boy are they super excited. They were prepared for this a long while ago. My parents give them all the love & attention any grandparent can ever give & they have young aunts & uncles there having fun along with them. They are very happy & well adjusted & on a awesome schedule. I just miss them like not normal. I cry every time I think of them but no other arrangement would work. DH works till 7:00 & goes to school at night...High school girls aren't avail for chesed in my neighborhood either...

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:30 pm

amother wrote:

I'm feeling really guilty that 5 yr old & 3 yr old are being away from 2 wks...whats the norm? Will it affect them?

It will definitely make adjustment harder for them after. Will it affect them long term? Hard to know. It doesn't matter what the norm is. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.

Another option is to let them be home with you and just get extra help (even a mother's helper who is not old enough to fully babysit is a big help).

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:31 pm

amother wrote:

ElTam wrote:

its me OP.

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:37 pm

I have 8 younger sibs. Always went away for 1-2 wks following birth of a sib. My mother let us choose where we want to go & I have the fondest memories of going away, getting lots of attention, letting mommy rest & coming back to a happier, relaxed mommy & a brand new sib. My mother would take us back home one at a time so we each got a day alone with mommy & new baby. Very exciting!!

I have no attachment issues. I love my siblings to the other side of the planet & I am very close to my mother so I cant really agree that this arrangement affected me or any of my sibs in any way!

Maybe the traumatic affects are on those children that are dropped off by a strangers house & mommy & totty disappear outta their lives for 2 weeks & they don't know what hit them. That can be avoided by talking & preparing kids in advance. It cant be avoided with real little ones under 2 years but they take new sibs hard anyway whether they see mommy & totty suddenly shifting all of their attention to a newborn or by sending them away...

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 12:39 pm

If s/o is willing to take them for 2 weeks, without a problem, and you're kids know them well
I would send them. I just became pregnant and I have no family here. My husband works from 8-7 so I have no help. and I'm already worrying what will be with my kids when I give birth.
So, I think you should send them.

amother

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:03 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Some people feel that kids should be sent away from birth till marriage. Wink

op here, I will reply even though you were probably being sarcastic which isnt helpful when a weak woman asks for advice.

I consider myself to be a very devoted mother. I give my children endless amounts of love and attention & consider every day with them a true blessing so...no, I wouldnt want to send them away till marriage. That wasnt what this thread is about anyway.

yksraya

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:13 pm

2 weeks is very normal. more then that is not good for the kids. less then that (except if you have someone at home to help you) is not good for you as you must properly rest up to be a stronger mommy for your kids. feeling guilty for sending them away is part of the process of having another baby. mazel tov and rest up!!!

sarahd

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:16 pm

OP, don't let anyone send you on a guilt trip. Your children will not be scarred for life by being sent away. 99% of children who grew up in chassidish or Hungarian households were sent away when their mothers gave birth and they are mostly functional adults today.

Everyone does what's best for them. People should really refrain from trying to convince others that they're not being good mothers if they do something different than they.

lkwdlady

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:51 pm

I was never able to get 2 weeks worth of help from family members. Sometimes things were really hard after giving birth ... when I would hear of other women who moved to their mother for 2 wks or had someone take over the other kids for 2 wks I would feel a little envious in the helpless state I was in. I was lucky to get help after each birth for 2-3 days. It WAS hard on my kids but physically I was not there anyway. In the hospital or at home in bed .... Each person's situation is different and family make up is different. It sounds ok to send kids to someone they already know and love for an extended period of time. It would be MUCH harder to send them away to someone they might not be so comfortable with. We don't know your exact situation so it is hard to advise. I tried to be thankful for the small gestures of help like the neighbor who sent over supper or friend who offered to drive my kids to school one day ... and the extra money we came up with for a few more hrs a wk of cleaning help. Maybe if you are not so comfortable with the 2 wk seperation you can cut it down to 1 wk. Every day that you get to focus on your recuperation without having to look after so much else is a blessing. And remember ...the time will pass even if you are feeling overwhelmed with other kids/newborn/postpartum etc. - everyone just moves on. hatzlocha!

ElTam

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:52 pm

Sending away for a time also doesn't mean no contact. I had to be in the hospital five days when my youngest got sick as a baby and no kids were allowed to visit. It was very hard because it was Chanukkah. DH called me every night when he lit so I could listen to the blessings and I got to say hello to each child. I also wrote little notes and sent them with DH when he came to the hospital. That really made it easier for them.

Maybe doing some little things like that would make the separation easier for you and them? It sounds like they are going to be in a very loving environment, which will make a big difference as well. All the best!

paprika

Thu, May 03 2012, 1:52 pm

amother wrote:

OP, are you asking if you'll be scarred or the kids? Smile

Relax and enjoy your short "vacation".