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I need support!



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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:06 am
If you're going to tell me how you live with 27 kids in a studio apartment and forage for your meals then feel free to skip this thread and comment elsewhere.
Now for those of us who don't find pleasure in being a martyr.....

We have always been careful, to DH it comes naturally, to me it was really hard but I worked on it and swallowed my pride, did things the harder way and BH we have saved a semi-decent amount of money. Some of it we used on fertility treatments but there is a sizeable amount left. It just sits there.
We cannot buy a house because we cannot afford the mortgage. I don't want to live here (BP) but my DH has a job here that he wants to stay for so we're here for now. We just found out I'm expecting another child (failed birth control sucks!) and we need to move apartments, but we can't find anything we can afford! The ones we can afford are real dumps and I'm sick of living in a dump, we have lived in a dump since we got married so we could save money and I really need a normal place to live for my menuchas hanefesh. With 2 babies at home next year I will not be able to work or go back to school because of the timing. I have hard pregnancies, this is my 3rd, and I usually end up on bedrest and have a very hard recovery, not to mention colicky babies. I know this time could be an exception but I cannot plan on it.
I'm very depressed over all this. I feel as though I worked for years to have some money, money that cannot be used because there is nothing to buy that we can afford the monthly payments on, meanwhile I can't work or change my lifestyle because a job/school is not an option with this pregnancy/birth. I'm going to be home all day, I need something decent. I need to be a mentsh. I can't stand living like a pauper for no purpose.
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:09 am
Will you ever be able to afford something in BP? What's your husband's long term plan?
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:16 am
first of all, hugs. it sounds like a very difficult situation. but I did want to say, why do you feel like there is no purpose? you are baruch hashem about to have your third child, that is a beautiful blessing. raising children in a small apartment may not seem glamorous on the outside, but the love and care you give to your children is greater than any other "purpose" in this world. and you do not need a big house to raise your children right. I can commiserate on the financial difficulties, as I'm sure many imamothers can, but I'd rather point out that Hashem put you in this situation for a reason, there is never "no purpose" for the situation nor for your suffering. may Hashem give you the strength to get through this, and may Hashem bless you with a healthy baby, and a home large enough for your family to be comfortable.

one more thing, whenever I feel down about not living in the house of my dreams, I remind myself that "home is where the heart is" means that a small house (or apartment) filled with love and giggles of small children is so much greater than a large home lacking those things. and that you can win a million dollars in a second and buy the house of your dreams, but the real brachos are healthy children and a loving home.

you are blessed. the larger home will follow.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:19 am
(((HUGS!)))

I'll tell you my story if it helps, because I understand how you feel. DH was in chinuch, I worked part time, had 3 little kids, and we rented a cute 3-bedroom house. It wasn't big, but it had a big living room, workable kitchen and dining room, and 2 bathrooms, and a laundry room. And our own driveway. Then we found out that the owner of our house was going to knock down all the houses on the street where we lived and build condos. I was very anxious, as we could not afford a house. We had to move, but had nowhere to move to, as DH's job was in that town. Then the electricity was cut off to our house (long complex story about preparing for the development, not in our control since the whole street had one electric meter) and I got even more anxious. Then, unexpectedly and amazingly, DH's grandfather gave us a few grand, which together with our wedding money, allowed us to buy a house on the outskirts of this city. It was not in a frum neighborhood, but it was a few blocks away.
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 9:56 am
What about moving out of BP and your dh commuting? Houses are far more affordable out there...and a job doesn't have to dictate where you live, especially in NY.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 10:02 am
Can you spend some of your own $$ to fix up a dumpy apt? Like the HGTV shows that fix up places on a tight budget?

For example;

if your rent is 1700 a month for a dump

but rent on something nice is 2200 a month

you need to sign a two year lease.

You allot 4000$ for fixing up on a budget.

4000/24 months = 166.66

1700+166.66= 1866.66 a month rent for something decent so you feel like a mentsch and since it is not your own you can get less expensive items that have a 5 year life and not care.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 10:04 am
Op here:

I wish I knew what this long term plan is, I try discussing it a million times but he doesn't have one and won't come up with one. What am I supposed to do? True we can move but moving OOT will start to cost us in transportation and other things, that we save by living within walking distance to everything, deliveries from the stores, the right preschool/schools. I understand that many of you will not understand this next point but DH's community I.e. his shul and Rebbe are here and the types of schools he wants are here. The other option is to move way out of town but he has no job there (yes we searched).
The hard thing for me is that I feel we are alone in this struggle, anyone we asked who is in our situation about how they have decent apartments and can afford to buy dips for shabbos each week is on some kind of government assistance. I hate constantly struggling with no means to an end. My quality of life still sucks even though I have made wise life choices, even though we're honest hardworking people, and even though we are frugal.
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 10:48 am
Wow, op, I feel like I could have written your post! I am in a similar situation. I have 2 very young babies, preemies born one right after the other, and I am living in a tiny basement studio. My kids need me right now, I cannot go to work, and my husband's job barely pays the bills. He is training on the job, so we are grateful they are paying him anything at all. We do not want to move out of town, because here (Flatbush) we survive without a car, and things in general are more affordable. However, we are very lucky to pay a very low rent, but our apartment is tiny, only 1 or 2 windows and being stuck at home all day with 2 babies can be very depressing- no matter how much joy they add to my life! I also feel very stuck as not a single one of my friends is in an even remotely similar situation and it's easy to get jealous of their parents' support, their big, beautiful apartments with nice furniture... I totally understand what you are going through. HUGS!!! Hug Hug
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amother


 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:09 pm
I know you said you dont want to move away. I live in Monsey, my husband works in Brooklyn some of the week. I know a lot of ppl who commute, either by car or Monsey Trails. The homes here are more affordable. Maybe he would be willing to do something like this.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 18 2012, 12:32 pm
Can you move a little bit outside of Boro Park? Your husband can walk a bit farther to his shul and Rebbi.
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