Is it allowed to let your baby cry it out

amother

Wed, May 23 2012, 11:27 am

Everybody is telling me to let my baby cry it out. I heard a mother is not allowed to let her baby cry. chazal said that a mother that lets her baby cry and not attending to him is going to pay for it. wwyd

boysrus

Wed, May 23 2012, 11:31 am

lots of mothers do let their babies cry it out (cio). personally I dont do it. I learned that from rabbi noach orlowek shlita when I was in seminary, that it can affect the child's trust in his mother and in humanity if left to cio before the age when he/she is old enough to underastnd that out of sight is not gone forever. ie, before about 11 months old he said.
however, that has certainly contributed to the sleep problems that I have had with two of my kids! you can't win!
good luck

you will get a good night sleep again one day!

smss

Wed, May 23 2012, 11:53 am

I also heard that in Rabbi Orlowek's name, about it affecting the baby's trust.
Rav Matisyahu Solomon is also against it (see With Hearts Full of Faith). He says that of course it's not always possible to pick up a baby the second he starts crying, but that one should not let a baby cry for several minutes - it teaches cruelty.

fruitsalad

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:01 pm

just want to add........

whenever I try the cio I regret it, baby wakes up much more that night due to needing to burp! I know ppl say after a couple of nights he wont cry anymore and wont need to burp but I find when I put him to sleep calmly he sleeps better

simchat

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:29 pm

See, this is the kind of thing that makes ME cry lol. What are you supposed to do if you are in the car, rushing to pick up the toddler/trying to feed the toddler, but baby wants to be held/got the toddler in the bath, and baby wakes up shrieking???? And then you have all these people telling you NEVER to let the poor baby cry, so your stress levels soar, you, what? Leave kid in the bath alone? Throw kid out the bath, soap and all? Let your child starve? Stay late in playgroup??? And then you`re irritable with baby, toddler AND your poor dh who has just walked through the door.. Grrrr I`d love to ask chazal what they would do then!

The way I see it: I don`t let my baby cry just because. If he needs something, I try to get it to him right away. If I physically cannot get to him then and there, I will talk to him, call out to him etc. He knows I am there. The same when it comes to cio at bedtime. With dd, I would not go into her room, say for 5 mins, then 10 etc, but I would talk to her `dd, it`s bed time. You have to sleep now.` Or maybe go in the room, pat him, rock him, but not pick him up/nurse him... This is what I would do. You have to do what you feel is best for YOU and YOUR family and not let guilt get to you.

Ruchel

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:36 pm

sometimes letting the baby cry to unwind(not because you don't care) is for his own good

I may be a cynic on these things but show me a WOMAN (or a sahd) saying you can't let a baby cry a few minutes and I'll reconsider my view that I cannot come out of the toilets half naked or dettach myself and turn in the car on the highway... LOL

simchat

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:44 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I actually climbed into the back of my car yesterday to give my screaming baby his dummy, while stuck in traffic. When I got back into the drivers seat, the whole road had opened up in front of me and there was a huge line behind me! LOL

Luckily, they were all very nice and patient Smile

.
Actually, that reminds me: my filipino cleaning lady told me that in the philipines, they say its healthy for a baby to cry every morning as its good for their heart. Also, when babies are born, it`s a good sign if they cry and it also helps to clear out their lungs, so I really, really, don`t get those who say to NEVER let babies cry... Aren`t babies SUPPOSED to cry? Anyway...

Pashence

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:49 pm

depends for how long- I dont beleive in letting them cio for more than 10 min at a time without seeing you come in and try to comfort them (were talking about at night I'm assuming, otherwise, why wait that long??).
there are a few good books on non-crying methods aka. gentle methods of teaching them to sleep.
in my experience crying it out never had good long term effects- like, it worked for a short while, and u have to keep doing it every time they get back into old habits. not fun for anyone.

ewa-jo

Wed, May 23 2012, 12:51 pm

Yes, absolutely allowed. It is a case of pikuach nefesh... *MY* nefesh.

Whatever works for a particular mother is allowed.... to maintain her sanity and keep her from putting her baby in a cardboard box outside with a sign that says "Cute baby: free to a good home" (that's just my opinion as a mom of 3 small children... I am no Rabbi)

I do more of a baby-whisperer thing where I put my almost-asleep baby in her crib nice and calm, but I let her fall asleep on her own.. and sometimes that does involve a little crying.

amother

Wed, May 23 2012, 1:04 pm

ewa-jo wrote:

Maybe we can't have so many babies and still keep up our lifestyle. I also heard it is not allowed.

chocolate chips

Wed, May 23 2012, 1:11 pm

I read in one of these parenting magazines that if you are going to let a baby CIO you should go in every 15minutes or so to calm the baby there, let them know you are still around and then go back out. I did this with my baby, eventually he learnt that its sleep time not mummy time.

If I didn't do this I would have had so many sleep issues with him! Im tired enough as it is.

Its not easy to hear a baby cry but like I mumbled (under my breath) to the guy that was staring at my crying baby in his stroller today with a mummy holding plenty shopping "yeh he is crying. You want him? he won't cry!"

imaima

Wed, May 23 2012, 2:10 pm

amother wrote:

ewa-jo wrote:

Maybe we can't have so many babies and still keep up our lifestyle. I also heard it is not allowed.

Three is not so many!!! She is doing everything right.

gp2.0

Wed, May 23 2012, 3:31 pm

Letting your baby cry for a short while because you are unable to attend to his needs is not the same as letting him SCREAM for hours at night. She is not just 'exercising her lungs.' Wow. What an archaic notion. She is a little person with very basic feelings, wants and needs and when you ignore her needs just because she can't communicate the way you do, it is the same as if you would ignore an adult who was screaming, because you couldn't understand the language he was speaking. IMHO.

miami85

Wed, May 23 2012, 4:54 pm

I've heard that there may be such a source. However practically it just has to be done at one point. You are not "ignoring " your child c"v you are teaching you child that you dont need food to fall back to sleep. It has to be done when the child is developmentally ready to sleep 8 hrs without food and you know that thats is why s/he is waking up-- I.e. not gas,colic, teething etc. Which is the more trusted methods tell you to start between 4-6 months. I was reluctant to do it but after the 3 rd time my peditrcian (frum lady) told me that he was ready we finally did it. We did try providing a water bottle while he got used to the idea. Best decision we made! We also kicked him out of our room which helped. However,B"H he's been an overall good sleeper since birth. The experts maintain that good sleep habits formed younger work better. But I do think temperament had a role as well. Hatzlacha

amother

Wed, May 23 2012, 5:13 pm

When I was a 20 year old new mother someone I respected told me that we must let the baby cio and sleep thru the night at 6 weeks so I did it because I didnt know any better. My baby began having psychological issues when she was 8 years old and has been on meds since then. All the shrinks we've seen told me that its no big deal but I still feel that I am responsible for my dd's issues because I foolishly let her cio for about 2 hours a night for a week till she learnt to sleep thru the night. Crying

MaBelleVie

Wed, May 23 2012, 6:23 pm

gp2.0 wrote:

I agree with all of this.

simchat

Wed, May 23 2012, 6:39 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

gp2.0 wrote:

I agree with all of this.

I do too. I reread the thread unless I`m missing something, not ONE person, including op, mentioned letting a baby scream for hours. I think it`s a very rare mother that would.