Please help me see the value in sponsoring a kiddush

amother

Fri, Jun 01 2012, 4:00 pm

DH, in conjunction with a couple friends also in the same boat, is sponsoring a kiddush this week in honor of their graduations.

Even though we're splitting it multiple ways, it still comes out to $130 or so per family. I know I should feel happy but I just feel like we're flushing this money down the toilet. I just don't see the value of sponsoring a kiddish, and we very very rarely do. Considering I only have a very part-time low wage job, and DH is not employed until his job starts at the end of the summer, plus we're on food stamps as it is, are dependent on IL's for help, and have a LOT of expenses coming up in the near future (a baby, a bris [and another kiddush that comes with that], and a big move)- - - please help me look at sponsoring this kiddush with simcha.

I just bought DH a big-purchase gift or his graduation... (So I sort of feel like I've done my part here) But he and his friend have talked about throwing this celebratory kiddush for over 2 years already. And basically the $130 is coming straight out of my bank account. Not to mention my birthday just passed and DH was conveniently feeling sick and barely did anything for me (no present, just card he got that morning and kinda reluctantly took me out to dinner - I didn't feel so special and cried like 3x on my bday, but you can blame most of that on hormones).

I feel like I'm going to spend the whole kiddush and the next while after that just thinking about all the nice things I could have purchased for that $130+ -- that new robe I've been cholashing, baby stuff, etc. Sigh.

Please help me not feel so resentful! Sad

amother

Fri, Jun 01 2012, 5:38 pm

Thanks for your reply, chocolate moose.

AFAIK everyone at the kiddush has some place to go... Perhaps there's a "stray" somewhere in the crowd I don't know about, but everyone goes home or to other peoples' houses for lunch. It's definitely no soup kitchen...

I love your idea about the smaller donation somewhere else, but I think it's too late for that. We're pretty locked in to sponsoring this. Really no way of backing out... We can maybe ask the shul if we can pay a little less (surely a big chollent and some crackers can't cost them nearly $400!?), but it does sound so nebby to do that.

It doesn't help that right after I wrote this I received an email from my student loans saying I was late on last month's payment... Totally missed that - and I always pay way before its due! So I have to pay double what I normally do. Ouch!

I dont know... is DH's graduation kiddush something that normally he should pay for, or is it something his family (me) should pay for on his behalf? Maybe I'll just make him buy me something really nice with his first paycheck. Rolling Eyes

chocolate moose

Fri, Jun 01 2012, 5:42 pm

Why does he want to sponsor the kiddush anyway? If he feels he wants to give extra tzedekah to thank Hashem for having graduated, then he should be giving the money elsewhere.

Money for a kiddush if people have homes to eat in, and their own food, isn't tzedekah. It's very nice and it's probably a lot of fun, but it's not much of a chessed.

You might want to speak to a rov about this.

amother

Fri, Jun 01 2012, 6:53 pm

I guess the chessed element is $$ to the shul. It's not really for feeding the hungry or anything... Though I guess they do use their funds to help people who need it.

But we don't go to this shul so often anymore. It's a bit more "right" than we've found ourselves.

I'm thinking I'll just have him send them a check to the shul once he starts working. Would it be too mean of me to tell him that I want him to do that instead of having me pay?

GreenEyes26

Fri, Jun 01 2012, 7:44 pm

amother wrote:

What is this "yours" and "his" money? You're a married couple.

ora_43

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 5:21 pm

So you're pregnant, you're basically both unemployed, you can't support yourselves, and have huge expenses coming up? I can't think of anything to say that would help you see value in spending $130 you don't have, sorry.

Does your dh have a definite job offer that will cover whatever debts you've accumulated within a couple of months? Because in that case I'd say that what you're doing is unwise (it's almost never a good idea to spend money you don't currently), but not a path to disaster.

If, OTOH, his job will pay just enough to cover your bills, I think you both need to learn financial responsibility ASAP. (Both of you because what's this "he only bought me a card and took me out to dinner" business? If you're on food stamps, shouldn't going out to dinner be really special? Like, "this shouldn't even be happening" special?).

At least those were my first thoughts... but then you started talking about money in your bank account and now I'm just confused. You say you're being supported by your in-laws and are on food stamps, yet you don't sound concerned that losing this money will leave you without food or rent money. What

It sounds like there's something big missing from the equation.

amother

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 7:48 pm

The inyan of a kiddush is to have people say brochos. That's why people make a kiddush for a yartzheit - so that the brochos made will be a zchus for the person who died. If you're already doing it anyway, you can do what my friend did at her baby's kiddush -
She put out Al Hamichya and Borei Nefashos cards on every table so that people would make sure to make brochos before and after eating.
The zechusim can only help!!

amother

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 9:29 pm

GreenEyes26 wrote:

amother wrote:

What is this "yours" and "his" money? You're a married couple.

I second this. How did you guys come up with this financial model? Are you sure it is wise?

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 10:12 pm

ora_43 wrote:

It sounds like there's something big missing from the equation.

Agree with all of the above.

If it is customary for members of your community to sponsor kiddush in honor of whatever, how about they wait a while until they all have jobs, and sponsor in honor of their new careers?

If you want to keep your money separate, that's your business and it might work fine for you, but it does sound a bit unusual.

Chana Miriam S

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 10:24 pm

I have been thinking about this all day. I don't think your issue is with the Shul. I thi I you have issues about your own expectations in your marriage, a weird financial model between you and what it sounds like to me is at the root of your problem is that your husband isn't spending the money on you- not that you don't have m

lamplighter

Sat, Jun 02 2012, 11:41 pm

Ok, you know that by posting here, you were going to get flack for spending money you don't have.

Right now you're not backing out so the only thing I can say is that you should go to the kiddush in the name of sholom bayis (since you can't back out now), and it should be a wake up call for both of you. After the kiddush is over, you need to sit down and make a responsible budget and financial plan that you BOTH are a part of.

amother

Sun, Jun 03 2012, 12:03 am

Like the other posters, I'm a bit confused about your financial situation as well. You are on food stamps, are being supported by your ILs, are missing loan payments (so you have to pay double!?!) and yet you bought your DH a "big purchase" graduation gift, are sponsorong a kiddush and expect more than a card and dinner out for your birthday?

freidasima

Sun, Jun 03 2012, 5:05 am

Like Ora said, a few things aren't adding up here. Maybe you should take a good look at your finances, your expectations, your husband's expectations, your lifestyle and sit down and have a talk, because it appears to be more than just sponsoring a kiddush but a whole lifestyle and expectations.
Hatzlocho

Marion

Sun, Jun 03 2012, 5:13 am

1. If you haven't given it to him yet, return the big-ticket purchase. Pay for the kiddush with that money. If you've already given it to him, tell him he can either keep the gift or sponsor the kiddush, but it would be irresponsible to do both.

2. I'm glad to hear your DH has a job lined up. That, however, doesn't give you license to spend before the income actually starts coming in. Meaning, that even if you don't sponsor the kiddush, or do so with the money from the returned gift you CANNOT go out and buy "that new robe you're challishing, baby stuff", or anything else.

3. How much of a shortfall do your ILs cover every month? How much extra are you going to need for the baby? Will WIC help you to cover more of your own groceries, in conjunction with the food stamps you already get? If so, maybe your ILs would be willing to let you use some of the "spare" grocery money for baby items. (Hint: You really do NOT need nearly as much stuff for a baby as you think you do...)

lamplighter

Sun, Jun 03 2012, 3:00 pm

chanamiriam wrote:

Marion wrote:

1. (Hint: You really do NOT need nearly as much stuff for a baby as you think you do...)

Breasts, diapers and a car seat. some cotton sleepers or undershirts. your arms can do the rest.

I think that's an exaggeration. OP please budget for more than that plus some. There are always added expenses.