A child was molested- what would you do?

ElTam

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 11:26 pm

My advice is to advise your nephew's parents to get their son to a good therapist (if they haven't already) and to get in contact with a lawyer.

I am sure I am going to get flamed for this, but if he's going to go forward with pressing charges, he has to be emotionally ready to do that. And that is the victim's cheshbon to make, not anyone else's. You can offer help and love and support, but that's it.

There are most likely other victims. s-xual predators don't usually stop at one. So I understand that the best thing to do would be for him to go forward right away. And b'ezrat HaShem, he will be able to do that.

If it were me, or if it were my kid, I could not sleep at night with the idea that this person was out there potentially hurting more people. I would be at the police station already. But, none of us are going to have to face the consequences of being the one who speaks up. This boy who has already been hurt will be the one to bear the consequences.

It is easy to say, yes, go to the police right away, but the truth is it is terribly difficult in any community. It is harder in communities like ours. And when you are talking about same-relations molestation it is particularly difficult. None of us has the right to judge this boy and his decisions. It's his life and his pain, not ours.

amother

Tue, Jun 12 2012, 11:32 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

amother wrote:

The cops might help him with this, but if he's scared to go forward with very little evidence he should hide a good recorder on his body and go talk to this Rabbi and demand an apology. If he gets any sort of admission on tape that would be good for evidence. It's legal in NY to record a conversation as long as one party consents to it, and your nephew would be the consenting party-- he doesn't have to let the Rabbi know.
Hatzlacha!

this is dangerous on many levels. I wouldn't advise anyone in the nephew's position put himself in such a position.

I'm that amother- I guess you're right that it could be dangerous to do it on his own. Cops often do that with zex abuse victims but they wire them and are undercover nearby and the victim meets the predator in a public place (such as for coffee) and the victim just begs the abuser for an apology, and once they have the apology they have evidence.
Maybe tell him this so he knows that there is actual recourse. And also tell him that the more the Rabbi threatens him, the more scared the Rabbi is of the repercussions of being caught.

5*Mom

Wed, Jun 13 2012, 3:07 am

ElTam wrote:

Absolutely all of this.

Your nephew took a tremendously brave step by telling his family about the abuse. Most victims don't even come this far. The family's job now is to provide the practical and emotional support your nephew will need to move forward with his recovery. That should include, first and foremost, getting him to a therapist with specialized training in abuse/molestation. Recovery is a process and must be done at your nephew's pace. By pressuring him into something he doesn't yet feel ready for, you could be jeopardizing his recovery and removing the support system that is so crucial to his successful recovery.

For more guidance, you might want to contact Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz and Dr. David Pelcovitz.

I am so sorry for what has happened to your nephew and for the shock this must be for the family. Be"H you will all heal from this and move forward, and perhaps even be the shlichim to stop this man from hurting other children.

amother

Wed, Jun 13 2012, 7:52 am

I am not the amother that said to go to a Rav to evaluate things. However I do think it is a good idea to speak to a Rav, but not a community Rav- they have no idea what to do with something on this scale.

You need to go to a Godol who has much greater experience of things on this scale. Find one with a reputation for dealing with at risk boys/ community issues that have been taken out of their community.

Explain that your family is dealing with the case of your nephew, but you are concerned about others.

Tell him you have no intention of standing by and doing nothing, yet you would like some advise how to proceed.

Its a big burden to carry by yourself, seeking this kind of advice is crucial for your piece of mind. The community takes no prisoner with these kind of accusations, you need someone great enough and big enough to share the burden with.

mummiedearest

Wed, Jun 13 2012, 9:16 am

amother wrote:

the rav is not a lawyer. call a lawyer for how to proceed.

5*Mom

Thu, Jun 14 2012, 3:42 am

I received the following email recently from Rabbi Horowitz's mailing list:

Quote:

All indications are that Mr. Weberman's attorneys will be requesting a postponement of his trial and that the request will be granted. As such, the victim's family will not be in court tomorrow and those close to the family recommend that their supporters need not come. Please pass this message along to any friends of yours who might have planned on being there for them.

Two weeks ago, in our initial post on this matter, we asked that respectful emails be sent to Mr. Jerry Schmetterer, Director of Public Information at the Brooklyn DA's office

( SCHMETJ@brooklynda.org ) asking for, among other things, a speedy trial -- as the stalling and delay just allow those pressuring the victims more time for intimidation. (Nechemya Weberman was arrested on February 23, 2011). We need to reiterate that request with greater emphasis and passion.

Child safety advocates who are in regular contact with the victim's family report that extraordinary pressure is being brought to bear on them to drop the charges and this delay just plays into the hands of those who wish to derail the judicial process.

I asked the advocates what our readers can do to support the family in this trying time, and they responded that there are several areas where we, the silent majority, can be helpful:

1) The family members are getting a great deal of chizuk (support) from those who are writing emails and posting comments of support for them. They are understandably feeling isolated from the inner circle of their neighborhood and the messages of support from our readers worldwide are very encouraging and comforting.

2) In particular, they found the chizuk they got from the Rabbis who wrote them to be enormously helpful. Just remember that they are getting bombarded with messages from others telling them how horrible it is to report abuse to the police. It is therefore imperative that Rabbonim who correctly interpret Halacha to mandate that the authorities be brought in (all the more so since there is clearly "raglayim l'davar" in this case) contact the family with their P'sak Din.

3) We must respectfully bring all of our resources and energy to bear so that the family is offered whatever protection they need, that a full investigation be launched to prosecute those putting pressure on them, and perhaps most importantly, that the legal proceedings move forward without further delay.

Readers are encouraged to post comments of support at the bottom of this thread or to email yhprojectyes@gmail.com. Since we did not get to present the family with the emails of support at the hearing, we will be forwarding the 300+ emails and posts already sent, directly to the family, and all future emails will be forwarded to them each day.

On behalf of the family members and the abuse survivors worldwide who are following this case closely, we thank you for your support and encouragement.

Respectfully,

Yakov Horowitz

Rabbi Horowitz has been involved in organizing support for victims of abuse who choose to file an official complaint with police against their abusers. It might be worth suggesting to your nephew that he contact Rabbi Horowitz to see if he could be of help with your nephew's decision regarding reporting his molester.