How common is it? (Latest Diamond Dust)

Frenchfry

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 7:58 am

I just read the latest issue of "Diamond Dust" in Mishpacha. I found the idea of bullying as a child having such long term effects to be very disturbing. Anyone have similar experiences?

What would you consider "just part of growing up", and what would be considered severe bullying having potential long term effects?

I always wonder when to step in for my own children, so I'd appreciate feedback.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 11:09 am

Frenchfry wrote:

What do you think caused your bullying, and what gave you the strength of charracter to get past it?

Did you tell your parents at the time?

I was different. Fairly new immigrant from USSR.
My parents knew only a small extent as I didn't see that there was much they could do.
Once I went to the principal to complain & he caned the girl in question ( legal then).
I was a hard worker & pretty smart so that did win me grudging admiration.
It wasn't easy & I did have to drag myself to school most days but I'm resilient Smile

I think it made me stronger.

seeker

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 11:58 am

I think the effect depends on a couple of things:
1. Severity and duration of the bullying - e.g. in Yalli's case it seems that the whole class was explicitly ganging up on her and she was stuck in this class for a number of years.
2. Natural resilience of the victim - some people are just more sensitive by nature while others have more emotional backbone. Unfortunately the lack of emotional backbone, so to speak, is probably what makes these kids more of a target in the first place because they likely also have other weak social skills.
3. Intervening or mediating factors - an understanding/sympathetic parent, therapist, etc can not only help stop the bullying situation itself, they can also give the victim coping tools and support that help mitigate the effects. Whereas if the child does not have anyone understanding or sympathetic in their life, they are liable to internalize the bullying much more and be effected more deeply for a longer time.

I think an occasional insult is normal, if the child comes home complaining to the parent about it then it still warrants some empathetic listening and talk about how to react to such events but not likely to require serious intervention at that point. It becomes a problem when it's a constant repeating pattern. If it's always the same kid doing the bullying, you probably first want to try to get away from that kid. But if the victim seems to be victimized wherever they go, even in different sets of peer groups (e.g. in camp, bnos, sports league with totally different kids than at school) then you want to take a good hard look at their social skills and emotional development.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 1:07 pm

shosh22 wrote:

There is definitely a range of responses. Some kids can shake it off and others do have more long-term effects. To me, her response does not seem like the norm, however it does seem possible.

As a medical transcriptionist for a psychologist, I do know that some kids become depressed for life as a result.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Jan 06 2016, 2:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

shosh

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 9:29 pm

I was bullied very badly when I was 11. The bully had alot of issues, as I only discovered years later. Her mother was dying and her father was s-xually abusing her (later she was removed from her home). She took out her misery on me by hitting me, inciting the other kids (who were also terrified of her) against me. She used to follow me home after school and harrass me in the playground. My life then was H-ll. my mum complained to the school but was told that it was my fault as I was clearly displaying the victim mentality of The Jew. Though the school psychology dept were monitoring this girl, the school never told them about her bullying. As for long term effects, I have been told that it's a possible resin why I ended up in an abusive marriage. Bullying can scar a child for life.

seeker

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:16 pm

Frenchfry wrote:

So at what point would you say it crosses the line, ans becomes life-altering bullying?

Did anyone else experience it growing up?

"Life-altering" the only way to REALLY find out is wait and see. But "warrants serious concern and intervention," would be 1. if it's ongoing (I.e. not an isolated incident; everyone gets put down on occasion but if it's happening frequently or always by the same person that's more serious) 2. if the victim appears to be affected by it (withdrawn, avoiding certain social situations, generally anxious, acting out at home possibly passing along the bullying... any change in usual behavior)

About measuring the severity: Generally the definition of bullying is when there is a power imbalance. Merely yelling an insult at someone or hitting a person isn't considered "bullying;" it's when there's some kind of manipulation or inequality involved. There will always be some sort of leaders and followers but when one feels stripped of social power, that's the kind of thing that has deep, lasting effects. The victim who is powerless in the bullying situation is likely to find unhealthy ways of regaining some control in life, whether by bullying others, eating disorders, etc, while still lacking that innate sense of control/power, what we might call "low self esteem." A person with good resilience who has strong support from home and other outlets or areas in which to build themselves up might be able to come out of a bullying experience intact, but severe, persistent bullying can really eat away at a person.

Frenchfry

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:31 pm

"I was bullied very badly when I was 11. The bully had alot of issues, as I only discovered years later. Her mother was dying and her father was s-xually abusing her (later she was removed from her home). She took out her misery on me by hitting me, inciting the other kids (who were also terrified of her) against me. She used to follow me home after school and harrass me in the playground. My life then was H-ll. my mum complained to the school but was told that it was my fault as I was clearly displaying the victim mentality of The Jew. Though the school psychology dept were monitoring this girl, the school never told them about her bullying. As for long term effects, I have been told that it's a possible resin why I ended up in an abusive marriage. Bullying can scar a child for life."

Wow! That is so awful! Whatdo you think made you into the victim?

Mrs.K

Sun, Jul 29 2012, 10:59 pm

Firstly, Yaelli is 19 and dating. It's not like she's married with children. After being bullied for years, I would think it would be common to think, "Who would want to marry me?"

I was bullied all throughout elementary school and several years of camp. Does it effect my daily life? No. Does it still come to mind? Sure. I'm nervous for my kids in school, especially my daughter who has a real bully in her class. My son's first day of camp was today and in the back of my mind I worry how his bunk will treat him. Every now and then I'll feel sorry for myself that this is the way it had to be, and then I'll remember that it has made me into a sensitive person that worries about other people's feelings, and that's a good thing.

There was another story in either the Ami or Mishpacha this week, I forget which, where a girl went to sleepaway camp and was so traumatized by the teasing she endured due to her dark, tanned skin (she was from Florida and had spent July outdoors) that even after camp- she rarely left her house, refused to partake in school activities or hang out with friends as she used to, and eventually required therapy. (She also never said a word to her parents who were clueless as to what had happened to their sociable daughter.) This too seemed a little overdone to me, but to each their own reactions.

shosh

Mon, Jul 30 2012, 8:33 am

Frenchfry wrote:

This might sound weird, but jealousy. I was one of the few fortunate kids in the class who didn't have any skeletons in the cupboard. I came from a nice Jewish family, with a mother and a father and was loved. She hated me for it .... and even told me so at one point that she hated me because I knew that my mum would come home at the end of the days. Hers couldn't because she was dead. She was a scary person, and she was also a year or two older than everyone else (she had been kept back a year or two), very tall, and very strong. Even the boys in the class feared her. She once came to school with her father's [filth] mags and showed them to all the boys - before stuffing them into a heater and nearly burning down the classroom. She was a very scary, unhinged person who I think was probably falling apart, though I was too young to know, understand, or deal with it at the time (and not that I should have needed to, either).

It took me several years of nightmares and hearing the truth about her from several people who knew her before I was able to forgive her. And I can, thirty years later, forgive. But I look back at some of her actions and some of my reactions, and have been told this is how I ended up living with an abusive bully of a husband for so many years. The patterns are too similar.