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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
How to react when a daughter announces, wants to wear pants?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 8:21 pm
What should the parents reaction be when a daughter going to a frum school says she wants to buy and wear pants?
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rainbow




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 8:39 pm
Depends on the age. How old is she?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 8:40 pm
rainbow wrote:
Depends on the age. How old is she?
13, but very sharp, quick witted
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 8:54 pm
13, hm....
Reminds me of the time my dd said she wants to be mechalel Shabos... and the time many years ago when my 9-yr old said she wants to stop wearing tights, wants to wear anklets, ahem...
Firstly, I never admonish them for wanting to do this, or for expressing it to me. I want them to feel safe to come tell me wha is on their minds.
I do not get worked up. I remain calm and neutral. Often, they just need to say it, perhaps see our reaction. In my personal experience my neutral reaction diluted and neutralized what to them appeared a 'hot topic'.
It's possible a kid says these things in defiance, and then seeing the neutral response, their defiance takes a back seat, cuz there's no one to fight with.
It's possible she really wants to wear pants, and just being able to express it, without mother admonishing her for wanting it, makes her less desperate to want to act on it.
If my dd said to me she wants to wear pants, I'd neutrally say, 'Why?' In a curious tone. I'd hear her out, and depending on what she'd say next,
hey, y'wanna role play here? I'm game. You be dd I'll be mother.

Call me amother two
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 9:11 pm
amother2-do you encourage or discourage the breaking up of a frienship, with the girl who she decided this with? ths girl is her only really interested friend right now.
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NumberOneMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 9:11 pm
I wish I had advice but I really wouldn't know what to say if that would happen to me. I'm very nervous about that, right now my kids are little.
But I had a sister who went off really bad and it was really hard for my parents and the family as well. I agree with amother two. Goodluck!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 9:18 pm
Amother two here,
Re your question about breaking up a friendship. May Hashem spare me such a situation, but if it did happen...personally, I'd consult with a child/adolescent psychologist and get a professional opinion.
Oy, this seems hard. Hang in there, and may Hashem grant you the bina yesaira you need....
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 9:32 pm
amother wrote:
Firstly, I never admonish them for wanting to do this, or for expressing it to me. I want them to feel safe to come tell me wha is on their minds.
I do not get worked up. I remain calm and neutral. Often, they just need to say it, perhaps see our reaction. In my personal experience my neutral reaction diluted and neutralized what to them appeared a 'hot topic'.
It's possible she really wants to wear pants, and just being able to express it, without mother admonishing her for wanting it, makes her less desperate to want to act on it.
If my dd said to me she wants to wear pants, I'd neutrally say, 'Why?' In a curious tone. I'd hear her out, and depending on what she'd say next,
hey, y'wanna role play here? I'm game. You be dd I'll be mother.

Call me amother two


Amother two is right on the money! your kids need to feel safe with you. you need to make sure you give them all the emotional support you can, because if they're not gonna get it from you, they're gonna get it somewhere else!
You have to make sure your daughter feels loved and understood. remember to daven to hashem to help you to say the right things to her!!
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TzenaRena




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 03 2007, 10:00 pm
Is this announcement coming out of the blue, or have there been problems with her tznius before? What is the level of tznius in her home? Where are her friends holding?
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 12:26 am
My teenage girls wear sweatpants under their long skirts. They've been asking for jeans, but I've said no.

There are several important issues that need to be remembered:

Her feelings and desires are valid. You may not agree or understand them, but to completely brush them off will only drive her more.

Pick your battles. When my daughters asked me for training bras when they really had nothing to train, I went to Conway and bought them $2 bras because it wasn't worth saying no. When they asked for shaving cream and razors when they had nothing yet to shave, I bought it for them because it wasn't worth the arguing. When they ask me if they can pierce their ears again and/or their nose, I tell them they have to wait until they're out of the house because their father would have puppies (I personally have no problem with it. I have 2 holes in each ear and a nose stud and here in Israel both are quite common among religious women and girls).

The more you try to push your children towards or away from certain people, the more they'll go in the opposite direction. The fact that the friend(s) is(are) bad for them is unfortunately a lesson they'll have to come to on their own. All you can do is hope that the foundations that you have given your children will allow them to see things clearly before they get hurt.
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Elle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 1:19 am
I'm sorry to disillusion you, I dont know where you live or which sector you belong to, but wearing noserings and multiple earrings is NOT a common thing amongst religious people in Israel!
Just setting the record straight.
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BeershevaBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 1:22 am
Elle wrote:
I'm sorry to disillusion you, I dont know where you live or which sector you belong to, but wearing noserings and multiple earrings is NOT a common thing amongst religious people in Israel!
Just setting the record straight.


Among the Charedi, you're right. Among the Dati Leumi it is.
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Elle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 1:25 am
Fair enough
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Ima'la




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 3:31 am
My oldest is not yet 6, so I will not give you advice as to how to deal with your daughter...

But do not discount the power of your tefillos! I know of a few girls who started having issues around that age...unfortunately, they continued to slide down a slippery slope (I hope that is not the case for your daughter!!)...and now, b"H, they are married to fine b'nei Torah and building Torah homes! In all the cases, I was well aware of their mothers' tefillos and tears on their behalf - and I'm sure that had a large part in bringing them back!
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red sea




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 5:32 am
Saying such a statement can have many motivators, from being really serious about it to wanting to get your attention. You need to hear your daughter and try to figure out the whole story behind it.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 5:33 am
Kmelion wrote:
My teenage girls wear sweatpants under their long skirts. They've been asking for jeans, but I've said no.

There are several important issues that need to be remembered:

Her feelings and desires are valid. You may not agree or understand them, but to completely brush them off will only drive her more.

Pick your battles. When my daughters asked me for training bras when they really had nothing to train, I went to Conway and bought them $2 bras because it wasn't worth saying no. When they asked for shaving cream and razors when they had nothing yet to shave, I bought it for them because it wasn't worth the arguing. When they ask me if they can pierce their ears again and/or their nose, I tell them they have to wait until they're out of the house because their father would have puppies (I personally have no problem with it. I have 2 holes in each ear and a nose stud and here in Israel both are quite common among religious women and girls).

The more you try to push your children towards or away from certain people, the more they'll go in the opposite direction. The fact that the friend(s) is(are) bad for them is unfortunately a lesson they'll have to come to on their own. All you can do is hope that the foundations that you have given your children will allow them to see things clearly before they get hurt.



kemilion, I was going to say the same thing, that you have to pick your battles.
for example, it is different, but still an example: my brother, in high school, decided that he wanted to grow his hair a little bit long. well, my parents said, this is not something that is worth arguing about. if he wants to grow his hair, he will know when to stop and go get a hair cut. and BH he has cut it shorter when he realizes that it is getting TOO long. why is this something that is not worth arguing about? because if you are negative, negative, negative about these types of things with teenagers (especially but not exclusively) they will usually or at least many times, go the other way, away from the judasim that they know and dear to them. besides for the fact that my brother has a bit longish hair, he is a wonderful frum jew and that is why my parents did not fight this one b/c they knew that he was not rebelling judasim, he just wanted to try something out, that was all.

ill give you another side to what can be done as well. I have a friend who told her mother in high school that she wanted to dye her hair purple and her mother said to her "ok, lets go". she was not sure what to make of it and in the end, of course she realized that her mother was being acomadating to what she wanted but she also realized that that was not the right thing to do for a frum girl.

I think in terms of pants, it first of all really depends on what kind of kehilla you live in b/c in some communities if she is seen with pants, she will be shunned forever. I think, let her experiment what she needs to and she will hopefully come back full cirlce to the judaism she loves as she should, but on her own terms.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 5:38 am
can someone please tell me what is dati leumi? I hear it so often here.

exact definition & implication please
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 5:42 am
amother wrote:
can someone please tell me what is dati leumi? I hear it so often here.

exact definition & implication please


dati leumi - exact definition means nationalistic religious.

implication usually, I will not generalize as I hate doing that, but usually this means ppl who are zionistic and love the state of israel. sons will go to the army and girls will do national service. but at the same time, they are observant frum jews that live by the torah and mitzvot.
usually men wear a nitted kippa. girls will usually dress tzanuadickly (there are of course exceptions to every rule)
thats it in a small nutshell, but I am sure that others will explain it differently than I did.
hope that helped.
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shoy18




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 5:54 am
I would ask her why, you'd be amazed a what kids will tell you. I would also offer to take her shopping for some new skirts, maybe she and a friend were wondering if they;d be warmer in pants, maybe ask her if she'd like a nice pair of warm boots. On this trip I would remind her that we are hashems special people and in doing that we wear special clothing, but they can still be trendy and cool, just tznius too. If shes telling you this she obviously feels close to you don't ruin that.

As for not allowing her to talk to her friend, thats a bad idea all she will do is want to e friends with her more.
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bandcm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 04 2007, 6:00 am
Isn´t Dati Leumi sort of the equivalent of Modern Orthodox in the USA, and Bnei Akiva in England?
As for the pants, maybe buy her really cute (soft) pants to wear at home for pyjamas, but remind her that we don´t go out like that because it´s not tznius. Some teenage girls are dying to see what it feels like to wear pants, and need to just get it out their system.
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