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What do you do for DD's bat mitzva?
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What do you do for DD's bat mitzva?
DD leins or leads service for women's tefilla group  
 8%  [ 10 ]
DD gives dvar torah at a shul during the service  
 4%  [ 5 ]
DD gives dvar torah after the service at social hall or at home  
 12%  [ 15 ]
Nothing official at the shul, just DH gets an aliya  
 4%  [ 5 ]
We don't do bat mitzva as such  
 69%  [ 81 ]
Total Votes : 116



amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 11:47 am
DH and I just started to give some thoughts about what to do for DD's bat mitzva. She's the first girl in the family, ad we're trying to explore some options. In our community there seems to be wide range of options. When we asked DD, she gave me some examples of what she thought were "cool" bat mitva but some may not work, she doesn't mind doing some tefila but adamand she's not going to do full morning shacharis in public.

Aside from shabbos morning services, we've been to a havdolo bat mitzva which was lovely but DD's birthday is in summer so it's not practical.

Has anyone been to bat mitzva that takes place on kabbalas shabbos or on Rosh chodesh?

Also if it's in summer and school is already out, do you wait and host a party so her classmates can celebrate?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 12:20 pm
I didn't have a BM. My (lite MO, old school) parents thought it at best boyish (bar mitsva) at worst non jewish (communion). I just had a big bday.

For my daughters IYH we will certainly do something.
But there will be no leining or leading anything, and no discourse at shul either. Maybe just a kiddush at shul. Then a meal with close family and her best friends and separate dance.
I wouldn't wait just so the classmates can attend unless she asks for it. Then we would do a small thing on the right date anyway.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 12:23 pm
We will probably do something similar as to what is done at my shul now.

After davening, the Rabbi goes outside to make kiddush and make a hefsek between davening and the speech. Then the girl gets up to speak while everyone is still in the sanctuary.

Afterwards, there is a kiddush dowstairs.
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 12:31 pm
We didn't do anything communal. Big party for friends in class with activities and music and nice food and grandparents came, but nothing more.

No drush, no leining, not done around here, no women's minyans or stuff like that. Girls never speak before the kehilla here nor do anything public. Fathers don't get aliyahs for their daughters bas mitzva either.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 12:47 pm
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 1:14 pm
saw50st8 wrote:
We will probably do something similar as to what is done at my shul now.

After davening, the Rabbi goes outside to make kiddush and make a hefsek between davening and the speech. Then the girl gets up to speak while everyone is still in the sanctuary.

Afterwards, there is a kiddush dowstairs.


Very nice.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:22 pm
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


Women are no longer allowed to speak in front of men? I guess women should neither be seen nor heard Rolling Eyes
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:23 pm
Someone arrest Rebbetzin Jungreis LOL
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:37 pm
I'm all for women speaking in front of mixed audience.
Not at shul.
I would make exception personally for an old rabbanit type (as for Gemara in fact) but to make it a norm or a must? Not my minhag.
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tamma-mae




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:40 pm
My bat mitzva was celebrated in a very small jewish community, in a small town. no one was observant, and all the jewish girls had a combined disco to celebrate. I wore green jeans and thought I was the coolest. obviously I want to spare my daughter anything cringe-worthy. I think its very beautiful if she learns something with a grandma, mother, loved aunt etc and delivers it over to her family and close friends women only or with men fam if she's comfortable. shabbat is a time of shechina, feminine energy, no productivity etc, so I love seudat shlishit time. its calm, the food doesnt matter but can add an element, and I think for a girl that age perhaps its less pressurizing to deliver some speech/dvar torah in a home environment than from the pulpit in a shul with the whole kehilah. just some thoughts. sorry for rambling. MAZAL TOV.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:41 pm
big party for women only on sunday and dd and I gave a speech. (and my father spoke) Also dancing (no band) for my older dd we sponsered the shul kiddush the day before but I don't think we will do this next time.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:44 pm
Ruchel wrote:
I'm all for women speaking in front of mixed audience.
Not at shul.
I would make exception personally for an old rabbanit type (as for Gemara in fact) but to make it a norm or a must? Not my minhag.


Its not a must at all. The girls who want to give a speech in shul do. The boys actually do the same thing.

The Rabbi goes out for kiddush to make a distinction between "davening time" and "non-davening" time. We have plenty of speakers in the sanctuary so its sort of similar.

I'm not against girls NOT doing this, but I think its a nice option to have.
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:51 pm
My daughter learned to leyn megillat rut and then did it in front of 200 women on shavuot.

I volunteer monthly to cook a complimentary shabbat lunch for our congregation, so we sponsored the tables of the extra guests which were about 130 and then also held a 'tish' for during the time she was reading and then after it was finished.

all in all, I fed about 600 people that day. She is so proud of herself for learning something that no one else in our community knows how to do (both people who knew recently moved away) and interestingly enough, apparently if no man knows how to do it she is actually allowed to do it in mixed company as long as she does it in a tzanua way. kol isha is not an issue if no man knows how to do it. guess we will see what happens next shavuot. actually trying to source the reference to a woman being able to do it if anyone knows.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:57 pm
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


You know, if you had phrased this is a polite manner there would have been no reason to hide behind amother

Yes, in some communities there is no problem with women speaking in front of men, dvar Torah or normally. In some communities there is no problem with women lining for other women. I'm not aware of any that have women leining in front of a mixed audience, but I assume there are some that hold it is OK, likely on the left wing of orthodoxy.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 2:58 pm
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not?
I know of a modern orthodox shul where the girls say a dvar torah in front in the main sanctuary after davening.

amother wrote:
Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?
I know of a womens davening group where the women and girls lain in from of other women. No men around.

I personally wouldnt go to these shuls but just because they are MO it does not make them any less orthodox.
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rachel91




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 4:03 pm
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


I just thought the same thing...was too afraid to write this...Smile
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 4:11 pm
rachel91 wrote:
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


I just thought the same thing...was too afraid to write this...Smile
Then no, you did not read correctly. The poll said leining in front of women.



For myself, siblings and friends, this was a long time ago, we had a party on, I think it was saturday night for myself. My classmates and parent's friends came. I learned something with my father and we had a proper siyum and then I gave a dvar torah. And we had a few other dvar torahs and my friends sang a cute song about me in front of everyone. It was lovely. Thats what most of my friends did. Some had parties at home, but the same type as myself.
That is about the same that most families do where I live now as well.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 4:36 pm
shabbatiscoming wrote:
rachel91 wrote:
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


I just thought the same thing...was too afraid to write this...Smile
Then no, you did not read correctly. The poll said leining in front of women.



For myself, siblings and friends, this was a long time ago, we had a party on, I think it was saturday night for myself. My classmates and parent's friends came. I learned something with my father and we had a proper siyum and then I gave a dvar torah. And we had a few other dvar torahs and my friends sang a cute song about me in front of everyone. It was lovely. Thats what most of my friends did. Some had parties at home, but the same type as myself.
That is about the same that most families do where I live now as well.


No issues with kol isha?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 4:40 pm
amother wrote:
shabbatiscoming wrote:
rachel91 wrote:
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


I just thought the same thing...was too afraid to write this...Smile
Then no, you did not read correctly. The poll said leining in front of women.



For myself, siblings and friends, this was a long time ago, we had a party on, I think it was saturday night for myself. My classmates and parent's friends came. I learned something with my father and we had a proper siyum and then I gave a dvar torah. And we had a few other dvar torahs and my friends sang a cute song about me in front of everyone. It was lovely. Thats what most of my friends did. Some had parties at home, but the same type as myself.
That is about the same that most families do where I live now as well.


No issues with kol isha?
I knew someone would ask this (but why amother?)
Nope, no issue. A few girls were singing together, we hold that if more than one female is singing together its just fine (same with zemirot)
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amother


 

Post Wed, Aug 29 2012, 5:06 pm
amother wrote:
Am I reading right? In orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls giving dvar torah? In front of men or not? Leining???? Leading davening? WHAT???? Since when do women become baalos korei or baalos tefilla?


Yes, in Orthodox shuls bat mitzvah girls give divrei Torah to a mixed group in shul.

There are both halachic women-only and mixed ortho-egal prayer groups in our area (anon for privacy).

Leining megilla is often done by women.

I understand that it isn't "done" everywhere, but let's please try to keep an open mind and communicate respectfully about our differences.
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