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"Why did my mommy give me up?" WWYD?



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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 12:24 am
I just spent Y"T with my in-laws, together with an 8 year old boy with special needs (CP, visual impairments, seizure disorder...). My mil does res hab for him and almost became his foster mother, because his mother can't handle him. SHe has many other young children and can't take care of him.

This morning, he asked me if my ds makes trouble sometimes. I said yes (my ds often makes trouble). He asked me, "So why do you keep him?"

I answered, "Because he is my child."

He asked, "So, I am also my mother's child!"

I didn't know what to answer. I told my mil about it, and she said he askes why his sisters don't get sent away if they also make trouble. He doesn't realize that he is different. So my il's say to tell him that I will send away ds if he misbehaves. It's a terrible message to send a child, but the only other option would be to say that it's because there's something wrong with him. I don't like their logic, but don't have a better answer. I just told him that he should behave better at home so it won't be too hard for his mother. WWYD?
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c.c.cookie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 12:29 am
I would try to explain the situation to him on his level. He must realize he has special needs. You can explain to him that his mommy is very busy and is worried she won't be able to help him as much as he needs, so she wants someone else to do it because she wants him to have the best care possible.
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black sheep




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 12:36 am
OMG! poor kid! he should NOT be told that he was sent away for misbehaving!!! (besides the real reason is that his mother doesn't have the skills to handle his misbehavior, but it would not be a good idea to tell him that either!) wow. I don't even know what to say. if it was my MIL's foster child, I would have just gone right over her head and told him that he was not sent away because of his own behavior, and that he is deserving of love no matter how much he misbehaves, and that love and tolerance are not the same thing, and while some behaviors are not tolerated, children are never sent away from their homes for misbehaving. and that some mothers need help watching their kids, and that is why he is spending time at your MILs. you don't have to tell him anything negative about himself or his disabilities, just that not all mothers can do everything themselves, and that is why there are foster families.

yes, I know your MIL might never invite you back. but I think it is child abuse to have a child feel that insecure. no matter how "bad" he is.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 12:50 am
I would say that his mother surely loves him, but doesn't have the strength to care for him. Out of love for him, she sent him there (wherever "there" is) to get the best possible care. Even though it was very painful for her, she believed that this was a way to give him care that she herself can't provide.

Please, please don't say you'd send your ds away for misbehaving. Your ils may mean well, but what a dreadful message to both boys! And suppose the 8-year-old was well-behaved and really tried "not to make trouble" but was too much for his mother to handle anyway? Is his behavior the only reason why his mother sent him to a residential facility, or did his physical needs also play a role? You might explain that his seizure disorder makes it hard to keep him at home.

Question is: is this child in an institution or in foster care? For life or temporarily? Has his mother given him up for adoption or is there a chance she'd take him back if there were a way for him to get fulltime care at home? Is there a father in the picture? I think your answer would have to vary depending on the surrounding circumstances.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 9:27 am
Those are good answers. I like what Black Sheep said.

Zaq- He is going to be in foster care, though so far it's just respite and res hab. There is a father in the picture, which is why he has 13 siblings, a few of which are younger than him. I think his mother would love to give him up forever. He is extremely wild and naughty at home, but extremely well behaved at my il's, who set firm limits for him. Between his medical needs and his poor behavior at home, his mother simply can't manage to deal with him and their other dozen plus kids.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 4:14 pm
Hmm. Wonder if he acts up at home to get the attention he craves and can't be getting with 13 siblings competing for it. Even negative attention is attention. Tough call. One might think that if he behaved well at home his mother (why just his mother? Doesn't Dad have a say?) would keep him, but given his special needs, maybe even perfect behavior wouldn't do it. With 13 other kids, who has time let alone energy to devote the necessary care to a kid with multiple special needs? I think you have to use the special-needs card here and forget about the behavior. Mother is simply spread too thin and can't give him the care and attention he needs and deserves. 'Tis a far, far better thing and all that.
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punchike




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 5:21 pm
I would say something like- "I love you very much, your foster mother loves you very much and your natural mom loves you dearly.
You are a lovable, good boy. I like you and many people like you too.

You're smart, good at math and great at drawing(or whatever applies)
Your mother wants you to get the best care, and that's why you're living with us. Because we can take extra special care of you. We are so happy to have a truly amazing boy like you. And We will always love you no matter what"

You may need to repeat this in different forms, many times to reassure him and to reshape his self image.
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maapse




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 10 2012, 6:34 pm
the world's best mom wrote:
So my il's say to tell him that I will send away ds if he misbehaves


I don't understand how someone who is a certified foster parent managed to get through the system with such ideas. I have been through the training and you are taught thoroughly how to answer awkward and difficult questions, and questions like "why did my mommy give me up" are very common, so anyone who is a foster parent should know exactly how to deal with it, or at least how to deal with it better than they did.
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