How do frum people have tons of kids and be sane?

amother

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:27 pm

I guess this post is more of just a vent then anything else. I'm REALLY not looking for any bashing or criticzing, just support and advice. I have 2 kids, a toddler and a baby. I loooooove my kids to pieces and I really try to be the best Mom possible (though I'm sure I have what to fix). But some days, actually most days lately I am just up to my eyeballs in taking care of them. I guess I had no idea what I was getting into when I had kids (who does?) and I just can't believe how much work they require (as cliche as it sounds). I just feel like I have absolutely zero time for myself and while I love my kids, its really stressful sometimes. Like sometimes dh and I just wana have a conversation without a baby screaming or a toddler yelling "Mommmmmmy, mommmmmy" in the background. I really love my kids and thank Hashem for them, they are cute, smart, adorable, normal and b"h healthy in every way so I am NOT trying to complain here. Hashem has given me a lot of blessings. I just look around and see so many frum families with 5,6,7,8 kids and I just don't understand how they do it and remain sane. DH and I feel like we've reached max capacity with 2 kids in terms of stress and being busy with them, we have a hard time wrapping our brains around the fact that we are supposed to bring more children into the world who will demand more of our love, time and attention. Please don't judge or criticize, just help me understand...am I normal that I feel like my kids suck every piece of energy out of me? That I only have 2 kids but I feel like I can't even imagine having more kids with the amount of time and energy they demand from me? Not trying to offend anyone with this post, so if you are offended I apologize. Just trying to get some input and advice here.

amother

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:39 pm

I agree with you, we're at 3 kids and although I know I want more, I havent started trying yet because of it being hard. My dh says straight out that he cant deal with the 3 he has, how can he have a 4th.

Some reasons I think people cant deal with that many is:
1) Personality- my dh and I have OCD tendencies, our house needs to be clean. We wouldnt be sane if things were flying. I've babysat in houses where I cringed at the mess that was around. Some people are just more easy going that others. I know people with lots of kids that have clean houses, but I know for myself I'd be constantly running after children to keep it clean, where others may say leave it until everyone is asleep and I'll clean it then.

2) Time - some have a child every 16 months, but not everyone does. I know a family with KE"H 12 children, they're all 2 years apart, and the mother is calm, and provides a lot to the community. She will have raised 12 children over a 35+ year span. Also some people are able to focus that this is just a stage in life and wont last forever

3) Not all parents give the same to their kids - This means that regardless of 2 kids or 10 kids there are some parents who dont take their kids to after school activities, dont read their chidlren books, play legos with them on the floor, provide family dinner every night, etc.

4) Older children - the oldest children become surrogate parents. When you have 2 kids in diapers you are not the only one changing diapers, your 8 year old may be changing the other, etc.

These are a few things I can think of on top of my head. Of course there are exceptions to everything I've stated but I'm talking in general

amother

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:42 pm

I agree with you. I thinks lot of women are just stressed out and exhausted for years. Or they get lots of babysitting help from family. However, as someone who definitely felt completely overwhelmed with a baby and toddler and is now expecting #3 b"H (my younger one is now a toddler), I can tell you things do get easier as hey grow up a bit and there will come a time when you'll feel ready for another one.

Happy2B1

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:46 pm

Hang in there, I know you wont believe me but it really does get easier!

Everyone has their magic number where things became easier. For me it was number 4, although once your kids are a little bigger they wont demand as much from you.

I will never forget the tisha b'av when my oldest was 5 and I didnt get out of bed until 12:00! She served everyine cereal and milk and then put them on a video.

I have 7 now ka"h and while life is very hectic, I do think 2 kids was harder.

Good luck, and just enjoy this age. Believe me they grow up soooo fast.

amother

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:49 pm

Oh dear! U r not alone!
I do not know what background you come from. I am Frum from birth. I lived it. Grew up in it. I Live in a frum community...
AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME QUESTIONS AS YOU!
Yes, it is very hard once you are the one actually managing it. I ask my mom all the time, How did you do it?

Forget about the answers tho. Don't look at everybody else. Don't compare. Every single person is different. Everyone has different coping skills. Everyone has different budgets. Everyone has different husbands. Everyone has different children.

U must think of your family. Think of you. Do what is best for you to feel good, to have some more free time. Take each day as it comes. One day at a time.

2 points:
Emunah & Positive thinking!

If anyone has some nice things to share, please do!!!

amother

Thu, Oct 25 2012, 11:50 pm

amother wrote:

OP here- I agree with the bolded statement! I see people like that all the time. But as much as bringing kids in the the world is the biggest bracha, is that really what Hashem wants from us??? To be stressed out and exhausted all the time? The funny thing is that I come from a big family and I am very close with all my siblings (well except for one) but I remember my parents being very exhausted and stressed out often. Don't get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, giving people but having lots of kids was exhausting. I just feel like I'm not living my life sometimes. Of course I get such joy playing with my kids and watching them develop. But sometimes I just wana do something I wanna do, and not have to read the same book for the 50th time, you know what I mean??

I guess you are right about it gettting easier eventually, I constantly remind myself and DH of that, but I don't wana wait another 3 years for that, I want it to get easier now!

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 12:00 am

amother wrote:

OP here- Yup I'm in the same boat as you. I grew up in a pretty frum area, many friends of mine came from big families, I come from a big family...I have tons of experience with little kids since I was a kids (had a bunch of younger siblings) and I am also baffled as to how people do it! Until you have your own kids, you have no idea what its like to be a parent...at least that's how it was for me.

True that everyone is so different and their circumstances are so different. A lot of the stress in my life comes from the fact that financially, dh and I are having a really tough time making ends meet, and have been for quite a while. It seems that no matter what we do, we can not seem to make enough money to pay our bills. Actually the roughest time for us financially was right when our second child was born. We lost our income and neither of us could find a job and we had to borrow a ton of money and now we are deep in debt. I'm sure raising kids isn't easy for everyone but when you have a few bucks to spare and you can take a nice vacation, it sure makes things a little easier.

Sorry to sound like such a kvetch! I'm really not! I'm such a positive person in real life! I love my kids and I love my husband, I'm just stressed and venting because I really don't understand this part of "frum life"...thanks for all your comments and insights I'm enjoying reading them

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 12:01 am

I have 3 kids. Expecting my 4th K"AH.
I am not a Rov. But if you feel you are not managing and would not be if you were to have another baby right now, take a deep breath and call ur Rov.
I agree with amother that posted above. there will be a time when it will feel a bit easier and you will be ready for another.
I had my 3rd when my oldest was only 2 1/2.
It wasn't easy. Now my oldest is soon 6. It is different now. It's always hard work. routines are always changing and that's what life is all about. Tom. is a new day!
But, try to be as flexible as you can be. It will help!

Good Luck!

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 12:08 am

amother wrote:

OP here- Oh trust me, I am NOT having another baby right now. Without turning this into a whole conversation about birth control, I don't need any Rav to tell me whether I should or shouldn't have another one. I can very clearly see that I am at max and I am taking that birth control pill every night like its my lifeline. We have a great rav and very close relationship with him. But nothing he can or say or do will convince me to get pregnant when I'm not ready (such as now).

I guess it will get easier when they are older...just have to enjoy the phase now. I know that I will want to have more kids eventually...just not for a while...taking a break. I need it for my sanity.

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 12:17 am

having 2 kids really does drain every bit of time and energy you have. I can totally relate to not being able to have a brief conversation with dh without the crying or kvetching etc.
however, it DOES get easier. this age is the hardest. once your oldest gets older they entertain each other, the little ones follow the older ones, etc. of course it sounds counterintuitive since you have more kids and obviously you will have more things to take care of, but it's not all YOU. You wont have to be the only source of entertainment and stimulation. it DOES get easier. the stage you're in now is the hardest stage. hang in there!

Kugglegirl

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 12:53 am

Totally agree. Going from 1 to 2 kids was the hardest. Going from 2 to 3 was not as hard as going from 1 to 2. The oldest was 5 when the third came along, so I'd throw in an other vote for spacing them. (Little #4 came along much later & it's a whole different game! B"H")

Personality- yours, DH's & the kids has a lot to do w. how well this all goes. I was always saying how my 3 kids were like 6 to me- in how stressed I felt--& how needy they seemed to me. They are older now & it feels different.

Having some kind of adult pursuits helped me a lot. I think children deserve a sane mommy. I always felt so much more ready to be a good & loving mommy after getting away from the house & kids--even for a short while. Weather it was an evening class- like a sign language class, or part time work, or volunteering once a week---having some place to go where the other adults are discussing something other than poopy diapers and shaitals ---this was a sanity saver for me!

---DH was usually the one watching them so I could get out to do this. It was good for him too, to be with the kids & realize they are a lot of work!

We did not have any close by family, so any help we got w. the kids, we mostly paid for when they were little. Now that they are older we can trade off w. them going to friends & the oldest is old enough to watch the rest, at least for an hour or so. It gets to this point eventually, even though it seems at first like it will never get there.

Some frum people do it differently, but for me, having 3 & now 4 is a lot! I am very proud these B"H" wonderful kids & to me, this is a big family!

to OP- wishing you many blessings & nachas from your kinder!

Isramom8

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 2:18 am

Of course you're normal. That's what it's like! Athletes go to great physical and emotional lengths to acheieve their goal that really, really try their strength, and sometimes they fail. Raising the next generation of Jews is at least as important to me as a sport is to the athlete. So for 22 years I've been investing the sweat, blood, tears and toil.

The hardest for me was having 4 kids under 5. Also far from a picnic is a child with special needs of any kind - I have that too.

I can't say that it ends, because teens and adults also require a lot of parental involvement, although in different ways.

I think you need to be smart and strike a balance. I'm not competeing with families I know who have even more kids than I do. But I'm glad the bulk of my younger years has been devoted to raising my family.
Some days, and some years, didn't feel that sane, no. But here I am with a view of the other end, surviving and attaining a great goal.

There are so many moments that make all the hardship worth it. Enjoy those for everything they're worth, they can get you through!

P.S. When all the kids are young you can't have a tidy house unless you have a fulltime cleaner going around and picking things up every minute. My house looks so much better now that my youngest is 6 and my oldest is married.

rachel91

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 4:55 am

I could have written that post OP!!! Really! Smile

I also have a baby and toddler and as cute as they are..sometimes I'm just... Mad

. And guess what?? that's why I'm taking a break:).

Some things that really help are:
My husband helps alot with eth!!( But unfortunately only when he's home and if he has work he's not home the WHOLE day)
My kids sleep from 7pm till the next morning this gives me alot of time for myself in the evenings.
My oldest goes to playgroup half a day and afterwards sleeps for 1,5-2 hours.
They are on a schedule- makes things easier.
You'll see when your youngest will start going to playgroup or kindergarden or whatever that things will be much easier. Good luck:)

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 6:30 am

Wow... it's as if I'd write the same post. This is exactly how I feel!

Well, I only have one toddler, however, I'm expecting a newborn in about a month and right now my toddler is giving me a hard time with his napping and other things. We only have a one bedroom apartment and I told my dh that it will be sooooo difficult (especially in the beginning), to have a newborn waking up the toddler all the time (the baby will probably be in the living roo at first, but it will still be hard with one room!). Also, my husband and I don't have much time together AND we only have one toddler so far. I also see all those women with so many kids and I wonder how they can handle that. I'm a stay at home mom and I've never had a babysitter coming over, so I never really had a break. I'm just trying to take one day at a time.

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 7:02 am

Mother of 9 here.

The dynamics change a lot when you have older kids because when you need to go to the bathroom there is just an extra eye on them so you are not as stressed sitting in the bathroom.

The best thing for me when I only had little kids was sitting outside with my neighbors and we watched our kids together. The socialization really gave a boost to my day.

P.S. my older kids are not surrogate parents to their younger siblings, they help out of course but the buck stops with me and DH 100% of the time.

OP believe or not one day you will miss this time as hard as it is the time of your life when you only have little ones who accept you as parents unconditionally and that is priceless. Even now I enjoy my little ones as their joy in life is not marred with all the social and school stress that go on with older kids. They are just so happy, no drama etc.

Preteens and teens are a different ballgame and I have good kids B"H.

ora_43

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 7:55 am

Like previous posters said

1. It gets easier. Not only do older kids need a lot less physical care (they're also more flexible on when they need attention), they tend to have a civilizing influence on the younger kids. I'm not talking about older kids being mini-parents, but just simple things like a 4-year-old playing with legos with a 2-year-old while you go enjoy non-lego activity. My oldest had only me to find activities for her when she was a toddler, with child #3 it was already a totally different story.

2. People are different. There are so many factors - how much mess bothers you, how much physical energy you have, how much money you have, what your/your husband's work schedule is like, how much housing and tuition cost in your area, how much help you get from friends and family, your kids' temperaments and abilities... so so many factors affecting how challenging it is.