How do frum people have tons of kids and be sane?

sky

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 9:39 am

amother wrote:

OP here- I agree with the bolded statement! I see people like that all the time. But as much as bringing kids in the the world is the biggest bracha, is that really what Hashem wants from us??? To be stressed out and exhausted all the time?

But I don't know what Hashem wants from us? What does he want instead?
On one hand I don't think Hashem would ever give me more then I can handle. On the other hand I'm not sure that I'm up to the task. But who says Hashem doesn't want me to work on getting there? I don't know.

In mitzrayim Hashem gave each mother 6 children at a time. And they must have been much more stressed then we are today. They were enslaved, could be killed at any moment, their children were used for Paroh's blood, and yet they kept having children. They must have been doing what Hashem wanted.

I don't know if I'll be able to have\handle a big family. But as I go along b'h I am seeing - and my kids are young - is that in some ways 4 is easier then 2 - and as they get older it gets easier in some ways but more difficult in others, and you have to be smarter and more patient as they get older.

But as Shalhevet said no one (or almost no one) has 8 toddlers at the same time.

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 9:54 am

I think that besides for what everyone is mentioning here, there's an added detail. As a parent, YOU change when you have more kids, or as time goes on.

I was extremely stressed when I had one baby. Couldn't imagine having an older kid to deal with at the same time. Now, having one baby seems like a piece of cake! Hey, newborns sleep most of the day. What's the big deal?

But it's emotionally draining because when your first baby cries hysterically, you say "Oh no! What could be the problem?" and feel like a wreck. When your second baby cries hysterically, you say "Hm, what could be the problem? He's fed, he's rested, he's burped...maybe he has a dirty diaper? Hm, not that...maybe taking him outside will help? Okay, phew, he's calmer." And when you have a third baby, you walk through all those steps in your head without even thinking, and eventually find something that works or just rock the baby until eventually he quiets down. (I have a baby now, my third, and it's SO much easier!)

Same thing with a toddler. With my first, when he was a toddler and he refused to come home from the playground with me, I was a wreck! I had a baby in a stroller and couldn't figure out how to get him home for dinner bath and bed...and then the baby started screaming...

Now, if my toddler throws a tantrum, it's not quite as hard. I know a few "techniques" to use that might help, and honestly, it's just easier to stay calm because I know this is a phase that will pass.

My oldest is still my hardest, mostly because I haven't helped any kids through the stage he's in yet, so I'm still figuring things out. The younger ones are much easier now. I mean, they're physically harder, but it's like, btdt.

One more thing. After a while, you prioritize your "needs" and are willing to be more flexible in getting them met. Right now you "need" some time to talk to your dh without screaming in the background. You could get that time at night, but you want it when the kids are up. So you're frustrated. At this point, if my dh has something to tell me that's so urgent, he'll often tell it as if it's a story to my little ones. They don't understand it, but it doesn't matter. (Like, "I asked Rabbi X a shayla today for Mommy. Want to hear what it was?...) Or if it's private, which is rare, we'll bring the baby into a room for two minutes, leave the older ones outside of it, have the conversation, ignore the bangs and screams coming from outside, and then emerge. But most of the time, we just wait until after they're sleeping.

Same thing with "me" time. I need less of it than I used to think I needed.

Parenting makes us less selfish. It just does. And the farther along you are, hopefully, the easier it gets because YOU become a different person.

Merrymom

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 10:17 am

I want to give a big thumbs down (if only such a button existed here) to those that claim to know about the suffering and exhaustion of mothers of large families. Unless you are there don't assume that you know what it's like. Honestly, having two kids was extremely exhausting, way more than now and I was a horrible mother then. Yes, I thought I was a pretty good mother but I had no experience, couldn't handle things not going my way, stressed out over everything, and had no big kids to ever give me a break with the little ones. Things are a million times easier now with the exception of the mountains of laundry that I do daily. My kids keep each other busy instead of expecting me to be the entertainment committee, Hashem has pity on you and makes your kids do better academically so I spend alot less time now helping with homework than with my first two, and I can sleep in! Most of them are in school all day too, so most of the year my life isn't that different from anyone else. I keep my kids on a strict schedule so bedtime is the same every night and I actually have a life. It's just really really hard to keep to a working schedule when there are so many household things to attend to, having alot of kids kay"h is not exhausting or anymore stressful than in your small household! This is not to say that I don't get my work done, but it takes alot of focus and ambition.

amother

Fri, Oct 26 2012, 3:46 pm

I'm with Merrymom - if you don't have a large family, don't presume to know what it's like
also, those who say "it gets easier" are doing moms of young families a disservice.
of course, some aspects do get easier when you are no longer diapering, feeding, bathing, wiping noses, etc. but that's the easy stuff.
the emotional needs grow with the child and once they hit preteen/teen they grow exponentially
I spend so much time meeting my older kids' various needs (emotional, social, academic, and yes, physical - you know how much shopping teenage girls require?) and their night ends when mine does!
I'm not complaining - I love that I have a large family, I love that they are close in age, and I love to do things for and with them. but it is alot and definitely not "easier" now than when I had 5 under 5. just different.
but when a woman considers bc, the question is not only 'can I handle another baby right now' but also 'will I able to handle another adolescent 12 years from now?'
and a two year old tantrum is NOTHING compared a PMSing teenager!

Tablepoetry

Sat, Oct 27 2012, 12:50 pm

amother wrote:

I agree.
IME for many people having a few little ones in a row is VERY difficult. But it will be MORE difficult if they continue to have little ones when they also have big ones, unless they are employing the older kids as surrogate parents. Because older kids require a lot of time, too. They need help with homework, and if they have any learning disability, or if they go to a competitive school, you may find yourself spending an hour or two on that every evening. They need more appointments, usually, than toddlers/babies - from dentists to dermatologists to tutors. That means ferrying them. Yes, as poster above said, they have more shopping needs, and although my teen dds already go with friends, they prefer when I take them.
Most of all, teens also need a lot of TLC, something people tend to forget. They need you to spend time with them, and show your love in all sorts of ways...maybe for a hungry teen boy through big meals, etc.

Also, when there are teens in the house, you never have the house to yourself in the evening - they are probably up long after you.

So yes, I think it's inaccurate to say it gets easier with time. I think it does somewhat if you don't have more babies....but if you are having 8 or 10, you are likely dealing with several teens and their needs alongside toddlers and babies. Not easy.

amother

Sat, Oct 27 2012, 10:07 pm

[quote=
So yes, I think it's inaccurate to say it gets easier with time. I think it does somewhat if you don't have more babies....but if you are having 8 or 10, you are likely dealing with several teens and their needs alongside toddlers and babies. Not easy.[/quote]

I agree!

The question was not when will it get easier! The question was how does a mother manage having so many kids now, not in ten yrs when the oldest is ten and can help!

Imagine this scenario: A mom walking with her oldest child, A 5 yr old. plus a 4 yr old. pushing a double stroller with a 2 1/2 yr old and a 10 month old baby. (you don't know but she is one month pregnant!)
THAT is not easy. How does she manage. How does a mom like her stay sane. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think that was the question!

helpful points are: to do the best you can. each day is a day. learn what works best for you and your family. stick to it and do not compare your life to anyone else's. take multi-vitamins. omega 3. vitamin D.

Try to take a nap each day. (I know it's hard to find time... even "sleep when baby sleeps" is hard because there is so much to do at home...) But rest is very important!

Eat well. Do some sort of exercise. I really believe these things help a person stay sane.

Merrymom

Wed, Nov 07 2012, 9:53 pm

Tablepoetry wrote:

amother wrote:

Most women with large families are not making their teenagers into surrogate parents. They are however teaching them about life, about how to run a household, how to learn basic life skills. My teens are incredibly spoiled being the oldest I raised them like most people do, just getting and getting and having very little responsibility. My younger ones can bake, cook, chop, peel and the older ones are terrified of a peeler and a knife. This isn't because I need someone to take on my workload, but because I realized the error of my ways. I realized that I wasn't doing my teens any favors by treating them like they're incompetent and just children that need to be mothered and babied all day. So I've been doing things differently and the younger ones just love helping out. They all have lots of downtime and playtime, when everyone chips in then nobody has to work too hard. I also think raising them with responsbilities turns them into better human beings, not self centered untalented young people who think the world should just revolve around them and their latest shopping expedition.

As far as having the house to myself, I most definitely do. My teens have a bedtime, they want to stay up? Fine, but past 10:30 it'll have to be behind their closed bedroom door. I need a life and privacy just like anyone else.

amother

Wed, Nov 07 2012, 10:56 pm

amother wrote:

wow op! I can totally relate! I feel like I wrote your post. I had the same question. im in a little different situation then you. I have 2 year old twins kenayna hara and I always wanted a large family but I have no clue how ppl do it. I am absolutely exhausted!!! I cant imagine being pregnant now or let alone waking up every two hours with a newborn!!!!!!! no way! I dont know how people do it and ive wondered the same thing. (ps im also a little ocd and a neat freak)

OP here- wow 2 year old twins. Well I have no idea what its like to have twins but I'm sure that part of why you are feeling the way you do is because you have twins. The pregnancy is much harder and its definitely wayy harder when they are babies I can only imagine. Maybe someone who has twins can chime in... though I'm not saying singles are easy, just easier Wink

Tablepoetry

Thu, Nov 08 2012, 4:14 am

Merrymom wrote:

Kol hakavod on getting your younger teens to help. That's a big undertaking. I've found also it's often dependant on personality - some kids are more open to helping than others.

I still think though that having a larger family does require a lot more of a mother than having a small one. There are certain things that only a parent can do - ferry to and fro, arrange medical appointments, errands, give one on one attention. Each child brings with him/her a whole bunch of weekly errands which you can't just outsource to the older sister. This evening, for example, I have to take one child to the dental hygienist, another to speech therapy, and I also want to go to a specific store to buy school shirts, AND maybe if I have time take two bikes to get fixed. If I only had two children, I'd only have one or two things on my list.

Many older teenagers are also so busy with school work and a touch of social life that they don't have time to help out much at home.

As for early bedtime....my home is also my teens' home. I do enforce a bedtime for the younger teens, but once they are older (past 14/15) - I don't make them stay in their rooms, just like I wouldn't want to stay in my room till I go to sleep. If I want privacy, I go to my own bedroom and close my door.