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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Carpool for next year



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amother


 

Post Tue, Jan 08 2013, 10:08 am
So I currently have a carpool for my daughter with two other families. One is very on-time, very responsible...but she also gets annoyed very easily and yells at the kids -- at least that's the impression I've gotten. The other is almost never on time, very irresponsible (for example, forgets to tell us when she's going out of town so we're waiting at her house wondering why her daughter isn't coming out, or waiting at school for her daughter to come out because she forgot to tell us she picked her up early for a dr's appointment).

Obviously I would rather have a different carpool for next year. I've never said anything to the first woman, because my dd doesn't seem to mind going in her car and has never complained, so I'm wondering if it's just a personality clash between me and her. The second woman I would definitely not like to be in a carpool with her, and I know the other mother feels the same way. The problem is, I just moved here last year (which is why I got a carpool with these two women I didn't really know well), and I don't really know how this carpool thing works. I don't want to tell the first woman "I just don't like you." Even the second woman I'm not sure how to approach, because she honestly thinks that the carpool is going fine. She's very laidback and views those times as mistakes that we forgave her for, and she doesn't see a problem with coming anytime in a twenty-five minute window.

We haven't really had a confrontation this year about it because, honestly, it's just annoying to me but not something that I think she can change. (It's hard for her to get out the door on time, she has kids that really don't move quickly in the morning.)

So meanwhile, now everyone is making carpool arrangements, and I want out! I want to see if I can find a carpool first though, before burning my bridges. My real problem is that I would guess that the first woman will want to join up with me to make another carpool. I really don't want to hurt the second woman. And if I do find enough other people for a full carpool, I don't know how to explain to the first woman why I"m not sticking with her.

How does this carpool thing work? I hate politics!
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 08 2013, 11:39 am
I would just say in a very nice, warm tone ... something like, "It is really hard for me to carpool with you when you seem to come at a different time each day. I understand that it may be tough to you to get her because of XYZ, but it makes things much harder on my end. It would be gr8 if we could work it out, but unless you are able to commit to such and such time, I may have to look for someone else to carpool with for next year. no hard feelings."

do NOT speak for the other woman. don't say "WE"... only "I"
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 08 2013, 11:57 am
Amother, you are far more tolerant than I. I do not carpool with unreliable people. She wouldn't have lasted a week.

You could try this: "I really need the carpool to be reliable. It is important that all the children be ready with their coats on, waiting by the door, at the times we agree on, and for the other children to be picked up on time. And it is essential that any changes to the schedule be communicated ahead of time. Let's try it this way for the next two weeks, and then we can decide about whether or not to carpool again next year."
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 08 2013, 12:28 pm
There is a chashuva menahel in our community who says that there are actually 4 ways you can judge a person -- b'kaso, b'kiso, b'koso... and b'karpoolo.

I always keep that in mind when making decisions of this nature. What can I do that will reflect the best and highest within me?

In this case cm's advice seems just right.
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elisheva44




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 08 2013, 8:37 pm
You can always say that you have chosen a new carpool based on your child's friendships, e.g. so the kids sometimes can have playdates afterschool and have fun in the car. For me it's also important how the kids behave in the car. I wouldn't carpool a kid who often screams, tantrums, etc in the car even if his/her parents are super reliable. I'm there to drive, not to discipline. I say it right away to the parents and the kids.
If the first woman's kids behave nicely in the car and your dd is okay with the carpool I would continue with her.
I guess if you have options to choose from you can be more or less picky.
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