Tearing my hair out!!! need encouragement

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amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 11:57 am

My niece is 30 years old. She has a mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia), takes medication and sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis. This seems to help to the point where she is able to hold down a job and keep a basement apartment on her own, but that's about it. Her parents are not very involved in her life. They live about a 6 hour flight from here and talk to her on the phone about once a month for a few minutes because she is so difficult to talk to. She chose to live here because she is very dependent on me and my dh for her daily life. (We found her the psychiatrist, got her admitted to hospital when she needed it, brought her food in the hospital etc etc) She does not live in the same neighborhood as we do, so if she wants to come for Shabbos, she has to stay for the whole Shabbos. Either because of her illness, or just her personality or a combination of both, she is EXTREMELY difficult to be around. She is totally self-focused. Constantly asking what food I have made for her or could make for her, wrinkling her nose if I made something she doesn't like, asking me to pick her up to bring her over and drive her home after Shabbos- both of which are very difficult for me. I have a large family (double digits) and a demanding full-time profession.

Right now my husband was in a car accident and he is physically incapacitated- so unable to help with any household chores, shopping, watching the little ones etc... he is also mentally incapacitated to a certain degree because of all the narcotics he is taking for the pain he is in- so I don't really have his physical or emotional support at the moment.

She doesn't help with any chores unless specifically instructed exactly what to do and how to do it. She will kvetch about it and most of the time whatever she does I have to re do anyway- not because I have high standards, but because nobody really wants to eat off dirty dishes for example. I can't ask her to watch the little kids because she is just not capable. They will not be safe under her care. She makes a mess wherever she goes, despite the fact that we ask her to eat only in the kitchen or dining room, she eats all over the house, but tries to hide it. She is extremely clumsy so often breaks the kids toys, my dishes etc, just becasue she wanted to make herself a cup of tea or whatever.
I guess I just need some encouragement. I feel as though I need help right now, not another "patient" to take care of on Shabbos. I wish I could tell her "it's not a good week for you to come this week" but this just isn't possible. We are the only family she has who are willing to have her over.

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:17 pm

You seem to be in a tough spot!

The one thing I can tell you is your achrayis is to your sick DH and children.

I do admire your chesed, I have a large family too and I would not be able to take someone in that condition into my home.

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:21 pm

that sounds like a really tough situation.
maybe you can get a girl from your local high school to help you out on thursday nights to make your shabbos prep a little easier?

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:46 pm

OP-It's not the physical preparation for Shabbos that I find so difficult. It's the emotional stress of dealing with her when she's here.

21young

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:48 pm

You sound like you're in a really tough spot, and there's only one solution. Tell her no. Period.
Yes, there's no other family, yes, she's lonely, too bad. Right now your family comes first.
Your kids and DH will never thank you for all the hard work you put into having her, they will only remember that you weren't available enough for them.
If need be, call her parents and explain the situation, have them figure out an alternative. Not your problem right now.

granolamom

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:53 pm

you are an awesome person. really.
I do not think I would be able to even consider having her over at a time like this.
can you really not ever say 'no'?
if you feel you cant, is there any way you can get help here...even if it means to invite (or hire) another person who's job it will be to follow Niece around picking up her mess and keeping her out of your hair.
I'm exhausted just reading your post.

bookie

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 12:55 pm

I agree with the above poster. I know it's easier said than done. You are not going to help anyone if you collapse (chas vashalom) from all the stress you are under. She is your niece but your husband and children come first. If you think calling her parents will help then do it. Otherwise tell her she can't come this week and don't feel guilty. I admire you for the chesed you have been doing until now.

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:05 pm

I have spoken to her parents and adult siblings. I sent out an email to all of them telling them I don't have the physical or emotional energy to deal with her and that I need their help. They agreed to take turns calling her once a month so that she will receive a phone call from one of them every week. Whoop de dooo! I think I care too much.

SingALong

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:09 pm

Is it possible to find a cheeses organization from her area to help find her hosts for shabbos meals that she can walk to? Is she capable of navigating her neighborhood, or socializing with new people? Is there any group homes for special needs individuals she can go to for shabbos? Maybe helping her find her own social group would her her situation...then u can have her once a month or once every 6 weeks...

black sheep

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:19 pm

if you feel like you cannot say no to having her over, another option would be to invite ANOTHER person at the same time as her, like a good friend of yours, who is well aware of the situation and can take some of the emotional work of dealing with your niece off your hands while you are dealing with everything else.

Rutabaga

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:22 pm

Wow, you certainly have a lot on your plate right now.

You mentioned that you have a large family. Are your older children old enough to help out? Maybe they can take turns helping with their father and/or keeping your niece entertained?

bookie

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:32 pm

Wow. You are way too nice. If I were you I would let them know that I'm no longer able to host her on a steady basis. Your sanity comes first

lk1234

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 1:38 pm

is there a chesed organization that you can contact to get support for this. For example, for someone with cancer, there is chai lifeline. Does anyone know of a chesed organization , maybe something like ohel, that deals with mental disabilities?
I really think you have to say no to her, but set up some sort of support system from the government or chesed organzation that can take your job over, so that she is not on her own.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 2:33 pm

Wow, you are amazing. But certainly limit the time she spends with your family. And put your foot down when she makes unreasonable requests. If she can hold down a job she can get a bus or taxi. If she doesn't like your food, too bad.

Is there any place she can stay nearby? can her siblings have her over? Or other relatives?

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 3:13 pm

Thank you everyone for the chizzuk and encouragement. We live in a very far out of town location with very few frum families- certainly not big enough to have any chessed organizations. She has been invited to people's houses for meals, but always finds some reason (excuse) not to go. (She doesn't like the food, it's too far to walk, whatever) The fact of the matter is she is very very ill. Her perception is her reality. She thinks she is perfect and everyone else is just inferior to her. This is why her family can't deal with her. I go through this every once in a while where I just can't take having her around. When my life is running smoothly, I can deal with it. Right now with no support from dh I just have a hard time tolerating her meshugas. Thanks for letting me vent.

amother

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 3:31 pm

black sheep wrote:

I think this is a great idea. I did this for a friend once, over quite a few days. It was a giant help to both the relative who now had more attention, someone else to talk/nag/hang out with, and my friend had a listening ear, someone who could associate with what she was going through, and a back rub when she needed it.

If there is anyone in your community who might be able to do this for you, even once, it would probably give you chizuk, since you wouldn't feel so alone in your plight to help your niece. If you are going to commit to continue having her, you need support for yourself.

You sound like an amazing person. Your husband should have a refuah shleimah b'karov!

zaq

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 3:33 pm

Priorities. You cannot be all things to all people, and right now it seems to me that you CAN'T host your niece. There are limits and I think you've reached yours. Call whoever heads the nearest Jewish community and ask them to find her a place. Call her parents and tell them you can't take her for the time being. Tell her point blank that you're sorry but you have too much on your plate right now and you CAN'T have her.

Haba lehorgecha, hashkem lehorgo. Rashispeak for "Take care of yourself first before you take care of other people."

Barbara

Tue, Jan 29 2013, 4:12 pm

zaq wrote:

What she said.

Email or text --DO NOT CALL -- her parents and siblings, and tell them "you know how much I love DN, but I've got too much on my plate right now, and will not be looking after her. She needs ... If you cannot do it, then I recommend that you call .... to hire an aid who will be able to do it." Don't talk to them and let them tell you how they will phone once a week (and you will do the rest).

If DN calls, tell her "I told your parents that they needed to make arrangements for you, and I'm sure they did. Give them a call." Then email them -- "DN called, and is not aware of the arrangements you made. As you know, I will not be doing that. I told her to call you."

If her parents or siblings call, tell them that you understand that she is difficult, or that they are busy, but that you will not be able to care for DN, and they need to figure out how to handle her.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

But also contact her rabbi, or your rabbi if they are one and the same. Explain that you are at your breaking point, and ask for help. He will know who can give it.

Take care of yourself, and refuah shleima to your DH.

ayiddishemameh

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 2:18 am

lk1234 wrote:

Chai lifeline help the physically ill while cancer org. Have plenty on their plate. Their are gov't agencies with independent living programs as well as dependent programs as long as she's an American citizen . Contact your local social services for a list of agencies for the mentally impaired.
Hatslucha!

Happy18

Mon, Dec 30 2013, 7:17 am

ayiddishemameh wrote:

This topic is a year old. I hope the op found a solution.

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