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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
ODD + ADHD + molestation I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:08 am
As my subject said, my son has ODD. He rages. He's defiant. He makes our house so difficult to live in, and we have a lot of children. This particular child is 10.

He also has ADHD. He's hyper. He's aggressive. He has low impulse control. We haven't found the right dose or medication to help this.

He was also molested. We are getting a lot of therapy. We are spending a lot of money on medication and therapy and none of it seems to be working at all. I feel helpless.

I feel like I don't have what it takes to raise this child. I am always walking on eggshells to not cause an angry outburst by him. I am depressed and angry and sad. I am crying right now as I type this. This morning I was even thinking that maybe he would be better off in foster care.

I need support. I'm going to therapy too. I just feel so sad and desperate (still crying and snotting as I type this). I feel like I need love and support from you "amothers" out there. I feel like G-d has given me too much and I can't take it anymore. I hate this and I hate my life. Sad
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Emma19




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:26 am
Omg, sweet I'm not going to say it isn't hard bec that is , but it's a fact god wouldn't give u what u can't handle, hopefully this is enough and it the hardest thing u should go through. We can't make it go away but I can deft say u to make things easier, make a schedule not of therapist or dr or drugstore time but pure mommy time just time for u , it's just as important as his medication or therapy but more promise ure self that massage monthly or manicure weekly what ever u enjoy and also schedule for him extra activity so he isn't around u as much basketball swim karate gl and stay strong
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:32 am
ask your dr about inderal. it's a beta blocker that is very effective in reducing aggression & blocking adrenaline. this med literally saved my family & was very effective for an adult. Of course you have to work with a dose for a 10 year old. If your doctor can't find meds that help restore sanity to your home, call Rabbi Babad @ Relief 718 431 9501 ext. 202 to get the name of a dr for a second opinion.

You are not alone. Hang in there. My experience is that all the therapy in the world will not help if the child truly has intermittent explosions & anger issues.

Good luck.
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Sherri




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:33 am
I am so so sorry for you, this sounds extremely difficult. You sound like you are a great mother, doing whatever you could to help your child and family.

Is there a support group you could go to for yourself?

Wishing you and your family the best.
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jackiejoel3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:34 am
As a SW who worked in therapeutic foster care where 98% of my kids were molested and the kid who didn't have a diagnosis of adhd or ODD were few and far between. I feel for you. Have your psychiatrists recommended some of the antianxiety meds? These calm some kids who are not responsive to the typical ODD regime. Is there any real or perceived ( to the child) risk of continued molestation? IE-if it was a Rebbi or school personel has he been pulled from the school? If it was a family member have they been removed from the house or if extended family has the child been isolated from the person? Remember your telling him he is safe has virtually no effect on him unless you can show him you mean business. Can he spend a shabbos with grandparents if that is a safe space for him (both mentally and physically). This could offer you a break and him a little extra TLC. Firm boundaries and lots of love and acceptance is what he needs now. Feel free to PM me if I can offer additional info or help. You are facing a huge challenge, you are not alone. Reach out to the Jewish agencies in your area to see if there are support groups for parents of childhood victims of s-xual abuse. If not contact your local DSS and find out what they have available for the general public or even contact Catholic Charities they have groups and they are open to anyone. No worries there is no Catholic doctrine used. Hang in their you CAN do this. My heart goes out to you.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:39 am
Hug Hug Hug

That is a lot to deal with.

You are doing all the right things. You are getting therapy for DS, you are getting therapy for you. Yes, it is depressing when you do all the right things and it doesn't seem to work. I know it's difficult to have patience but you must look at things long term.

You know that your DS would not be better in foster care. He is best off at home with his parents who love him. However, even the most loving parents of difficult kids need a break at times. Is there any way you and DH can go off for a short vacation? If you can't leave the kids, can DH stay home and let you go away to rest for 24 hours? We all need a battery recharge at times. If all you can get is an hour on your own outside the house, take that.

You may want to join the "extremely rebellious" kids forum.

We are offering you our love and support. Feel free to say whatever you want here. We are listening. We have been in difficult situations too.

Don't give up.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 30 2013, 11:42 am
What medications have you tried?

I sympathize. Sometimes, it gets truly overwhelming, and you worry what the impact will be on the other kids, as well.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 31 2013, 9:57 am
I am the OP. Thank you all for your responses and kindness. Yesterday was a very hard day and I really broke down. Sad To respond to your questions, my son is safe. We are doing all the right things as parents. We love him and are getting him therapy, as well as others in the family who have been affected by this trauma. Of course he is better in our care than in foster care (thanks for the reminder Very Happy). It's just sometimes his anger and rage are so intense for everyone that I feel like I just want him out of here, which is a pretty average reaction. Regarding meds, we have tried different ADHD meds in different doses. Right now we are trying an extended release more than once a day, to see how it goes. All medications are taken in small doses, slowly, watching his reactions, etc. To the amother who suggested the inderal, thank you for that suggestion. I did not know there were drugs to help deal with aggression and rage, we have just been addressing that behaviorally. Perhaps I will bring that issue up next time I see the psychiatrist ($150 per half hour, no insurance coverage as of yet, SIGH). I am working with both the "Nurtured Heart" approach and ideas from "The Explosive Child." After a very hard day yesterday with my boy, and me crying a lot in the morning, I cried as I kissed him goodnight and told him how much I loved him, and I know he is a great kid who will grow up to be a mentsch, b'ezrat Hashem.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 12:34 pm
I hope he agrees to take medication, and that you find the right balance. Other than that, I'd advise you to send him out as much as possible, like to willing relatives.
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browser




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 7:22 pm
I don't know if you are into alternative medicene, but I can recommend a kinesiologist who may be able to help
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amother


 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 7:35 pm
Hugs to you. I was talking to another mother of a child with a diagnosis yesterday and we were complaining that people don't understand what our families are going thru. It is very hard raising children with a psychiatric diagnosis . It seems like a life sentence to us. Community support is not strong and we suffer and cry along with our children. Please know that while I have no answers I feel your pain .
Another mother with a child with a diagnosis
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amother


 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 8:06 pm
please forgive me if I am unable to suggest any helpful advice, but to anyone who has any issues, the first thing I always do is tackle there diet. the diet is so crucial because it affects the nervous system so much. NO GLUTEN, OR WHITE SUGAR, lots of veggies, tons of protein...no processed foods at all. stay hydrated and physical activity. even if this only takes the edge off, it could be a helpful jump start since it will help the brain heal and all the neurotransmitters to start working together.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 8:44 pm
Another Amother raising a child with explosive anger and ODD here

Please DO talk to the psych about meds for his 'behavioral' issues. My child is on a low dose of Zoloft and the change is not to be believed. Behavior is far from perfect, and there are other issues going on as well that meds cannot do anything about, but the Zoloft really helps my child stay calmer long enough to use their brain to reason or problem solve without exploding into a rage.
I know there is no one size fits all when it comes to meds, very possibly this is not the answer for you but do ask about meds.

I agree with the Amother who said we don't get enough support, no body likes to tell people about kids like these so we the parents suffer in silence. It is hard, very hard, to go it alone.

Another thing is that parents like us need respite. A weekend alone with your spouse or even a weekend at home with your kids while this one is away is so restorative. I love my child but I need a few days now and then without the stress, and the other kids need to be freed of it now and then too.
Unfortunately no one wants to babysit for my child overnight, they have seen what this kid can be like, nobody thinks they can handle it not even for a day. Not even the grandparents. So I am stuck and it is HARD.

On my good days, I can accept this test/challenge as from Hashem and I know it is for the best, etc etc and I feel strong. But on the bad days I just cry and cry. Most days are somewhere in between. I don't know what to tell you, OP. I have no answers or real advice for you. Just sympathy and that you are not the only one. Not enough, I'm sorry.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 02 2013, 10:01 pm
amother wrote:
please forgive me if I am unable to suggest any helpful advice, but to anyone who has any issues, the first thing I always do is tackle their diet. The diet is so crucial because it affects the nervous system so much. NO GLUTEN, OR WHITE SUGAR, lots of veggies, tons of protein...no processed foods at all. Stay hydrated and physical activity. Even if this only takes the edge off, it could be a helpful jump start since it will help the brain heal and all the neurotransmitters to start working together.


I am for trying this.

Hugs.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 03 2013, 1:03 am
Hugs!!
I had a different difficult situation with dc and a wise psychologist told me, " an abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal." This helped me a lot, hope it helps you too
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 03 2013, 2:59 pm
amother wrote:
Another Amother raising a child with explosive anger and ODD here

Please DO talk to the psych about meds for his 'behavioral' issues. My child is on a low dose of Zoloft and the change is not to be believed. Behavior is far from perfect, and there are other issues going on as well that meds cannot do anything about, but the Zoloft really helps my child stay calmer long enough to use their brain to reason or problem solve without exploding into a rage.
I know there is no one size fits all when it comes to meds, very possibly this is not the answer for you but do ask about meds.

I agree with the Amother who said we don't get enough support, no body likes to tell people about kids like these so we the parents suffer in silence. It is hard, very hard, to go it alone.

Another thing is that parents like us need respite. A weekend alone with your spouse or even a weekend at home with your kids while this one is away is so restorative. I love my child but I need a few days now and then without the stress, and the other kids need to be freed of it now and then too.
Unfortunately no one wants to babysit for my child overnight, they have seen what this kid can be like, nobody thinks they can handle it not even for a day. Not even the grandparents. So I am stuck and it is HARD.

On my good days, I can accept this test/challenge as from Hashem and I know it is for the best, etc etc and I feel strong. But on the bad days I just cry and cry. Most days are somewhere in between. I don't know what to tell you, OP. I have no answers or real advice for you. Just sympathy and that you are not the only one. Not enough, I'm sorry.



What does hashem get out of testing us like this? I know other families are suffering, but don't get why we need to go through this?
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 04 2013, 3:49 pm
amother wrote:
amother wrote:
Another Amother raising a child with explosive anger and ODD here

Please DO talk to the psych about meds for his 'behavioral' issues. My child is on a low dose of Zoloft and the change is not to be believed. Behavior is far from perfect, and there are other issues going on as well that meds cannot do anything about, but the Zoloft really helps my child stay calmer long enough to use their brain to reason or problem solve without exploding into a rage.
I know there is no one size fits all when it comes to meds, very possibly this is not the answer for you but do ask about meds.

I agree with the Amother who said we don't get enough support, no body likes to tell people about kids like these so we the parents suffer in silence. It is hard, very hard, to go it alone.

Another thing is that parents like us need respite. A weekend alone with your spouse or even a weekend at home with your kids while this one is away is so restorative. I love my child but I need a few days now and then without the stress, and the other kids need to be freed of it now and then too.
Unfortunately no one wants to babysit for my child overnight, they have seen what this kid can be like, nobody thinks they can handle it not even for a day. Not even the grandparents. So I am stuck and it is HARD.

On my good days, I can accept this test/challenge as from Hashem and I know it is for the best, etc etc and I feel strong. But on the bad days I just cry and cry. Most days are somewhere in between. I don't know what to tell you, OP. I have no answers or real advice for you. Just sympathy and that you are not the only one. Not enough, I'm sorry.



What does hashem get out of testing us like this? I know other families are suffering, but don't get why we need to go through this?



I am the quoted Amother of another.

I have no idea what Hashem gets out of testing us. I have no idea what Hashems plan is. But I DO know that raising my child puts me in a situation where I can either fall apart or daven. Yell at my kid or work on my own self control. Whine to everyone I meet or put on a smile and greet people bsaiver panim yafos. Because I am stuck raising a child like this, I am forced to develop parts of my personality that I otherwise would have left alone. I have grown in ways I would not have otherwise. I am assuming that this is all part of Hashem's plan for me, that my job in this world requires that I go through this challenge or that the tikkun my neshama needs to accomplish will be helped along by this test. I don't know this for sure, obviously, but it helps sometimes to think of it that way. Everyone has challenges, if other people's challenges seem easier or harder than yours that is because challenges are custom made and that's why you didnt get somebody else's - it would be too easy or too hard for you. I get angry at Hashem sometimes, I would love to know why this is happening to me and my family and what it is accomplishing and I would love for some more HELP getting through it and finding solutions. I won't lie to you, I'm not walking around all pollyana-like sameach bichelko happy happy. But on the good days, I can see it through the 'challenge for growth' lens and that is helpful to me. On the good days anyway.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Feb 04 2013, 11:50 pm
Ok Amother you explained it somewhat, but I still question why hashem who is all knowing, needs small little me to have a tikun for my neshama. And why does my child need to suffer and be in pain. How does that help hashem?
Feeling down tonight sorry.
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PassionFruit




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 01 2015, 3:10 am
If you live in Jerusalem, find out more about the situation there...if something more severe than molestation happened, the therapy he is getting won't help
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 01 2015, 3:18 am
funnyface wrote:
If you live in Jerusalem, find out more about the situation there...if something more severe than molestation happened, the therapy he is getting won't help
this post was from 2013.
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