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Forum -> Children's Health
Physical affection for kids



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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 1:09 am
My boys love to cuddle and caress with me in my bed. My son officially co slepped in my bed until the age of six until I put a stop to it. The weening was extremely difficult for my son ( he's my baby). My kids still insist that I hug and cuddle with them in bed. I do it from time to time. Until what age is it appropriate? I feel extremely uncomfortable doing it
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 4:26 am
I would never use the term caress when referring to cuddling with my kids.

What do you mean by that?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 4:29 am
amother wrote:
My boys love to cuddle and caress with me in my bed. My son officially co slepped in my bed until the age of six until I put a stop to it. The weening was extremely difficult for my son ( he's my baby). My kids still insist that I hug and cuddle with them in bed. I do it from time to time. Until what age is it appropriate? I feel extremely uncomfortable doing it
I agree with chani that the word caress is not really appropriate for a child, but that being said, I think that a child who is asking to have a cuddle, there is nothing wrong with it. Why should there be something negative connected to a cuddle with a parent? I think its great. Obviously, when you begin to feel uncomfortable with it or they say no more, its time to stop. why earlier than that?
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ROFL




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 4:34 am
Cuddling with your kids should stop after you have grandchildren to cuddle with. But only in agreement with your child.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 4:57 am
Im the op here.Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable to be in bed with your kids and they touch you in inappropriate places like your breasts for example? Boys love it there
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 5:03 am
First of all, I would wear clothing that covers me, and secondly, my body is my body and there are private places on my body that are not for touching.

Basic stuff, OP. But it sounds like you should not be cuddling and caressing with your sons. You should be seeing a therapist who can teach you about healthy boundaries.

For now, keep all cuddling out of the bedroom and limit it to a hug, or sitting next to you. And do go see a therapist, soon.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 5:05 am
amother wrote:
Im the op here.Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable to be in bed with your kids and they touch you in inappropriate places like your breasts for example? Boys love it there
like I said, if YOU feel undcomfortable, then get out of the bed. Nothing to talk about. Once someone is uncomfortable, stop. Why would you continue?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 6:56 am
Op here. Thanks for all your advice like "Seeing a therapist asap". All I wanted to know how other iammothers in my shoes deal with it
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 7:15 am
While I agree that was harsh, I agree with the notion that you need to understand healthy boundaries, OP. unless a child is of nursing age, there is no reason why a child should be touching your breasts, ever. I would say if your kid needs some time with you before sleeping , read a book on the child's bed, let then snuggle up next to you during the reading, and then give a kiss on the forehead and that's it. To me, that is a healthy amount of physical affection
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 12:37 pm
my boys love to cuddle. I still allow my 5 yo to cuddle with me in my bed in the mornings (he doesnt touch my breasts unless its inadvertently), but not my 9 and 11. I dont know if there is an official cut off age, but the clue is when you feel uncomfortable, its probably time to set limits. my ds9 will cuddle next to me in his bed while I am sitting up and reading to him, but he wouldnt put his head on my chest, more like on my shoulder. I will still sit next to my ds11 and hug/kiss on head but I did have to give him a tutorial on 'proper hugging for female relatives' because he was a bit touchy-feely for my liking.
I dont caress my kids, but I think its probably a matter of semantics and you just mean cuddle.
my kids are big cuddlers but slowly I replace cuddling with a foot massage or something. I also found that when dh has the time to rough-house with them they come to me less for cuddles. they just need age appropriate physical contact. breast-contact is a no for boys over 6 for sure.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 1:51 pm
My dd who's 11 still cuddles with my dh on the couch. Is that appropriate?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:00 pm
It is not appropriate to cuddle and caress the boys for long periods of time. Personally, obviously I am female but I still am a big cuddler and when I was a girl I loved to receive cuddles. Some children don't need it so much, but some do. Some children really need you to SHOW your love for them in tangible ways. This makes them feel comforted, loved and secure and happy. Also, obviously it is different with your boys (have to be careful you don't go too far), but it's not healthy for a child to grow up in a family where there is no physical affection at all. There are times a child is crying out for a hug, and because years go by where they are never given one, the need becomes repressed, and they grow to be a very repressed adult who is not comfortable showing affection.
I would say that if your son/s need a cuddle, you should give them a cuddle. To tell them no is wrong. But you also need to let them know that it's not something to be taken to excess. A cuddle before bed is absolutely fine. By the time they get older, hopefully, they should realise that it's not appropriate to cuddle for long periods of time with mom - that just a hug or kiss on the forehead will do.
Obviously with daughters it is different and it's fine to cuddle her whatever age - but boys you have to be careful - not saying you, but some Jewish mothers are extremely smothering with their sons and it's just gross and not healthy
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 10 2013, 2:03 pm
amother wrote:
My dd who's 11 still cuddles with my dh on the couch. Is that appropriate?


I think it is ok as long as you are sure it's not being taken to extreme.
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