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Hi! I dated your husband.
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amother






Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 5:53 am
SO this couple moved in town and I love the wife! She is exactly my type of person and I finally see that HaShem sent me a best friend!
We shmoozed a bit here and there, I never met her husband, her last name sounded very familiar and of course, I realized that her husband is someone I went out with. 3 dates, I didn't want to go out again and when I told the shadchanit ( we were still going through the shadchanit ) the shadchanit was aweful " How dare you, who do you think you are? He is a 5* boy he is great he xyz, I agreed with everything except one aspect that I did not like at all) anyhow that was that.

This is odd, do I tell the wife " Hey I dated your husband, I think" or do I let it go by? I really like this person ( the wife ) and we have many friends in common there is no way of "avoiding her" and ANYWAYS I don't want to avoid her she is so cool!

I know we will be invited sooner or later to the same event/simcha/shabbos meal...etc. I don't want to be awkward if her husband is around it is not like there is smoozing but still... do I tell her casually? Do I act as if I forgot I ever dated him Rolling Eyes ?
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Strawberry2









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 5:55 am
amother wrote:
SO this couple moved in town and I love the wife! She is exactly my type of person and I finally see that HaShem sent me a best friend!
We shmoozed a bit here and there, I never met her husband, her last name sounded very familiar and of course, I realized that her husband is someone I went out with. 3 dates, I didn't want to go out again and when I told the shadchanit ( we were still going through the shadchanit ) the shadchanit was aweful " How dare you, who do you think you are? He is a 5* boy he is great he xyz, I agreed with everything except one aspect that I did not like at all) anyhow that was that.

This is odd, do I tell the wife " Hey I dated your husband, I think" or do I let it go by? I really like this person ( the wife ) and we have many friends in common there is no way of "avoiding her" and ANYWAYS I don't want to avoid her she is so cool!

I know we will be invited sooner or later to the same event/simcha/shabbos meal...etc. I don't want to be awkward if her husband is around it is not like there is smoozing but still... do I tell her casually? Do I act as if I forgot I ever dated him Rolling Eyes ?

I wouldn't mention it. If her husband thinks it's important, he'll update her.
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abound









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 5:57 am
dont tell, ignore it
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jstbeingme









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 6:07 am
Don't tell her , there is no need to bring it up!
My husbands friend was suggested for me at the time , but I was "too frum" for him .
Now he's happy , I'm happy (and I'm become a little more 'with it ' . I don't know if his wife knows , but my dh knows , and the 2 families are fine just being friends !

But does her dh know its you ? Because you go under your married name now .
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freidasima









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 6:18 am
Tell.gently. Say he was great but not your type as obviously she was his bashert and your dh was yours. End of story. Its not like you were intimate with him and she would worry about comparisons, you are all frum for goodness, no big deal!
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imasinger









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 6:28 am
I suggest waiting to see if he tells her.

I am close friends with someone DH had dated before we met.
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amother






Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 6:39 am
Idk how old you are or whether that makes a difference, but in my husbands circle of friends, everyone kind of dated each other at a certain point. I'm 27 my husbands 29 and we're only married two years.
I had one date with his close friend (I said no, he said yes) and we joke about it from time to time. He dated this guys wife for about a month - he told me privately but because it was a month - I dont mention it but she knows I know. She knows I went on one date with her husband.
Bh everyone moved on and got married...I honestly dont care.

Story #2, I ran into a girl I went to seminary with, I had seen she got engaged to a guy I had gone out with three times. I told her what a nice guy she is getting etc - that I dated him a while ago and he's a sweetheart. I said this married almost 2 years. I wouldn't have said it if I were single.
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Isramom8









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 7:05 am
Very common, but can feel awkward. In my circle a lot of my friends married DH's friends, and some dated each other in shidduchim before they settled on the one they married.

I've already been to the weddings of two children of a guy I dated, who married my classmate. It's just a little weird, now that we're all (young) grandparents.

My child was even redt to theirs (but theirs married someone else).

DH has met him, and likes him!


Last edited by Isramom8 on Mon, Mar 04 2013, 7:08 am; edited 2 times in total
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r_ch









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 7:06 am
I'd tell and first of all to my husband.
My dates find him cool and strike a conversation at once and I can't prevent it. Once at a chasane I saw through the mechitza how a guy I dated only once (he had said no, I had said another date) was laughing amicably with my own husband.
Once we were invited within a huge crowd and a guy who sat next to my husband was a guy I dated. Nothing major, nothing long or special, but still I felt so uncomfortable that I couldn't find an opportunity to tell him. I did afterwards on the way home, we made a couple of jokes and that was that.
The world is small!
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shlomitsmum









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 7:58 am
I would work on the friendship and eventually casually mention it BTW ONLY if you feel you will burst LOL ..

Say something casual like : I went out with your DH, he is such a nice guy so shadchan was so mad I did not feel a connection! I had this feeling someone else was out there for him , I guess I was right since you are such a perfect match B'H , I just thought I would tell you so you are not weirded out if he mentions it because I really like you.

And that is it ....

B'H we are frum, I have non jewish friends who have had a similar situation but with a 2 year college ex at a COMPANY RETREAT with spouses, doing "team building exrecises and the like" , once s-x history became known by the prospective BFF the friendship could not proceed . So, is good most frum people keep our undies on and don't fool around Laughing Frum world is too small Laughing

No need to miss out on making a new Bff I say!

good luck! Very Happy
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shabbatiscoming









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 8:03 am
My daughter is very good friends with another little girl whose father I dated. We see each other all of the time and all over the place. Its no big deal. My husband knows, his wife knows. We are all friends. The past is just that.
I say tell if you think it could get weird. But for all you know, the wife already knows. Smile
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m in Israel









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 8:05 am
I really don't think this is a big deal at all. It is not uncommon. If you had a broken engagement with him or something more serious, that would be one thing. This should not be told as a big dark secret. If it comes up in conversation, fine, if not, also fine. I certainly don't see a reason to avoid them. We had the flip situation -- a woman my husband dated lived on our block, and we actually had sons in the same class. I honestly never thought twice about it. (We moved there about 6 years after we got married. Maybe if it was very recent I could see how it may be a bit awkward -- but at that point my husband certainly wasn't thinking about a few dates he had 7 years ago, and I can't imagine she was, either.)
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DrMom









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 8:45 am
I think you should tell her. If only because it will be weird if she finds out months later from her DH -- then she'll want to know why you didn't mention it earlier.

As FS said, you went on 3 shidduch dates, it's not like you were deeply involved either physically or emotionally (I'd assume).
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suzyq









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:14 am
I wouldn't tell. I met a woman recently and she told me she had gone out with my husband - I thought it was very weird of her to tell me. Especially when I told my husband about it and he had no idea who she was. I also found out later that she asked around about how our marriage was - now I really don't want to have anything to do with her, because I feel like it's very inappropriate. If you really want to be friends with this woman, I would not say a word.
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amother






Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:29 am
I think you should tell your friend. If you don't, then her husband might tell her, and she will wonder why you didn't say anything.
It makes it more "secretive" if you keept shtum. Just say to your friend in a really jokey way "you know it's quite funny, I actually went on a few dates with your husband before I met my other half!"
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sequoia









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:33 am
It doesn't have to be a big deal. Just "we went out a couple of times." Nothing to object to.
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zaq









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:34 am
Let sleeping dogs lie. And for sure don't tell her "there was this one aspect of your dh that I didn't like at all"!
This is not all that surprising a turn of events. We usually get along well with people who are most like us, and shadchanim are likely to be redding to any particular bocher girls who are similar in many ways. It stands to reason that a woman would get along with someone who had been redt to her dh.

Hey, it's not as if you and this woman's dh had dated for two years and had all but picked out bedroom furniture together. You went out all of three times. Even if in your circles three dates means it's a go and tomorrow night's the lechayyim, three dates does not a deep relationship make.

I'd keep mum and let the dh tell his wife if he cares to.
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amother






Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:34 am
I don't think you should tell her. First of all her husband probably won't tell her, and if he does, she probably might not even say anything about it to you. AND IF she does, what have you got to fear? You have not done anything wrong. Just say I didn't want to mention it, I didn't think there was any reason to.
If anything - I'm sure she will respect you for that.
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cm









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:35 am
Unless there was a near-engagement, a broken engagement, or something else out of the ordinary, I don't see the big deal. Lots of people go out with lots of other people until they find their bashert. Tell, don't tell, I'm not sure that it matters.
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Dolly Welsh









  


Post  Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:36 am
Sorry, my first reaction was she could say "Hi! I married your boyfriend!"

Probably the less you make of it, the less she will react. If you are ever all four together, make a big deal of loving up your own husband in front of her and simply do not talk to her husband. Simply always talk only to her. Never talk to this guy ever, beyond the most threadbare civilities, at any time.

If it comes up, say "OH! I FORGOT. It was only three dates, and it didn't come to anything, and I was seeing a lot of people at the time. It was a busy time. Hee hee. B"H I then met my TRUE beshert. I hope you are not offended I FORGOT him? I was busy and young. Sorry."


Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Mon, Mar 04 2013, 10:47 am; edited 2 times in total
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