I have a Bpd mother - ask me anything

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 6:02 am

This thread is for those who are judged constantly for not being in touch with their parents, for those who are told Kibbud av veim is above all, and for those who get disbelieving looks and comments when they tell others that they are estranged from their parents...

Go ahead and ask it all, and I will be happy to give you some honest answers which may make your beliefs not so black and white...

chani8

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 6:05 am

What is BPD and how does it affect your mother, her parenting, and your life?

zissy2004

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 6:12 am

OP, did you read S.C Radcliffe's article in FF this week? You reminded me of it with your post. How can people judge when they haven't been in your shoes...
And are you referring to borderline or bipolar? I never know LOL since both initials are the same..

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 6:14 am

chani8 wrote:

What is BPD and how does it affect your mother, her parenting, and your life?

BPD stands for borderline personality disorder (I am not the OP, but have a good friend whose husband has this and I know more than I ever wished I would need to know.

OP, HUGS to you. Just from listening to my friend's life, I can get a glimpse as to how hard it is.

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 6:18 am

Borderline Personality Disorder - BPD
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods.[1] These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relationships.[n 1]

Other symptoms of BPD include impulsive behavior, intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, unstable self-image, feelings of abandonment and an unstable sense of self.[2] People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of themselves and of others, alternating between high positive regard and heavy disappointment or dislike.[3] Self-harm and suicidal behavior are common and may require inpatient psychiatric care.[4]

This disorder is recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) only in individuals over age 18. However, symptoms of BPD can also be found in children and adolescents. Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, potentially leading to suicide attempts.[n 2]

My mother had this all her life, although it was us kids, as teens, with the help of two other siblings who were long gone, to diagnose her.
Her parenting was extreme, in every way, from the cleanliness, to having to be perfectly good, to the hashkafa and frumkeit, to the extreme control, to the lack of emotional looking after, lack of physical necessities, and extreme unpredictable mood swings. She disciplined often, and very often with physical abuse, extreme physical abuse and punishment (think being forced to eat your own vomit because you had to eat hot chilli as a punishment, being left in a park when it was dark alone, being kicked and belted and slipper smacked and pinched, regularly...)

My life is affected in many ways, I am sure that now 6.5 yrs married and with a few gorgeous children that there are some middos/parenting techniques that need to be improved. I am a perfectionist and have very high expectations in cleanliness and myself in general.
I feel I am a strong person, yet I am a social hermit, because of my very low self esteem. I have a social job, but beyond that I stay at home almost all the time.

I do know to tell my kids I love them, often, and to tell them they look beautiful, (yes, even the boys!). I do know to kiss them and talk after I may have given them a telling off or a little smack. I do know to apologise to them if I yelled at them, and to make them feel secure in my love for them.

I don't know if I was clear in answering, I have never really written much about this, yet writing it brings so much emotions in me, and makes me appreciate where I am up to now..

chani8

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 7:39 am

Amazing post, OP! Hug

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 9:37 am

Thank you OP. I suspect that my ex-husband has BPD, but don't know for sure since he resists therapy. He doesn't want to be involved in our lives anymore. My children didn't experience the sort of physical abuse you describe, but they did experience emotional abuse.

My question is, how can I mitigate the effects of these experiences on my children?

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2013, 11:46 pm

Anyone else?

amother

Mon, Apr 22 2013, 12:16 am

Have you ever watched the movie Mommie Dearest? They say that the mom in the movie was bpd as well. Is that how it was with your mom?

amother

Mon, Apr 22 2013, 12:17 am

People with bpd are experts at projecting their own disorder onto others. did your mother ever do that to you? meaning, did she ever make you feel like you were the one with bpd while she was perfect?

amother

Mon, Apr 22 2013, 12:19 am

some people with bpd tend to only pick on one person and treat everyone else really well. Did your mother do that? did she pick one child and constantly mistreated that child while everyone else was treated really nicely or did she mistreat everyone equally?

flowerpower

Mon, Apr 22 2013, 12:19 am

How is the relationship with your mother now? How did your father react to it all? Do you have siblings? How did you handle her when she was in her down phase?

amother

Mon, Apr 22 2013, 12:23 am

there are people with bpd who are very successful business-wise as they tend to be charming, caring and wonderful on the outside. but then they go home and treat their own kids/family horribly but no one ever knows because all anyone sees is a charming, hardworking person. Is your mother like that? Is she just wonderful and charming to the outside world while treating you/your family horribly at home?

amother

Mon, Sep 08 2014, 4:37 pm

hi!
I couldve wrote your story about your mother and yourself!! I have stopped contact with my mother and moved out of town. she now just started working here. she followed me and I feel so helpless. I was living a nice quiet beautiful life here in a new neighborhood and now she is working here and sleeping here during the week as a nanny. I don't think it will last since she is living there and it will cause problems down the line. however, till that is over, I am sitting on pins and needles that she doesnt meddle in my life and people I just got to know here..help!!! I tried to warn the people that she is boderline and of course they dont get it since she charmed her way in....what should I do, think and feel till this is over? how can I erase her from my life and she knows to stay compeltely far away:(