I am married to a mentally ill man ask me anything

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:04 pm

Diff amother here..... I was thinking of starting this thread myself Very Happy

OP hope you dont mind if I answer too.....

My (sweet and wonderful) DH is bipolar, I knew b4 we got married. He had been hospitalized several times before, but I had two conditions b4 marriage:

1- He has to take his medicine religiously no matter what.
2- He has to be self-aware and know if he is getting manic or depressed. I can't be his caretaker.

Toda LaKeil, he has kept his side of the agreement.

Bipolar is very treatable (altho hard to find the right balance of meds for each individual) so when he is treated he is 100% normal (except for the aftermath of the trauma of going through depressive or anxious/manic episodes, feeling suicidal, the awful conditions in psychiatric wards, losing friends over the stigma.... which he is working on with a therapist).

Sometimes when he gets angry or upset I ask if it is bipolar related, but otherwise it's a totally normal marriage. We had a few times where he was not acting calm and rational and usually he realized by the next day that it was a potential episode, went 2 the doctor and had the meds temporarily adjusted to head it off. (If an episode is caught early it rarely escalates.)

My "baggage" is some mild depression in high school, but pretty typical otherswise. But I'm one of those weirdos who was willing to consider "damaged goods" if they were such special people that it overshadowed there problems.

In my case, I think that whoever turned down my DH missed out in a major way. I feel bad for those posting shalom bayit problems, because I may have given up on having a "normal" husband but mine seems much better than those normal ones...

(And it's not dh's minhag to sing Eishet Chayil.... he just says it Very Happy

I know he treasures me, but I feel privileged to have him as my spouse, I don't feel like I did him a favor to marry him.)

robynm

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:25 pm

amother wrote:

Diff amother here..... I was thinking of starting this thread myself Very Happy

I know he treasures me, but I feel privileged to have him as my spouse, I don't feel like I did him a favor to marry him.)

Have you ever been around him when he was having an episode? Aren't you scared he would hurt your children?

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:46 pm

MimiMommy wrote:

What mental illness?
Did you know about it going into marriage?
Are you ever embarrassed or resentful of him?
How aware is he of his illness?
Does he sing you eishes chayil with gusto? Cuz you deserve it.

I am the OP. My husband has Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (which means that his stress does not come from a one time trauma but from a trauma that went on for year - his entire life) He also has Clinical Depression (and he also has bouts of anger with - and sometimes without - rage).
No we both did not know about this before we were married. My husband was diagnosed a few years after we got married.
I am not embarrassed but resentful, yes, many times. My life is not anything like I pictured it or thought it would be like and a lot of that is because of how my husband adds to the marriage (or does not add to the marriage as it would be).
BH my husband is extremely aware of his illness. He goes to a psychologist once a week and is on medication and he goes to a psychiatrist every 3 months. He is extremely aware. My husband's "favorite" line is "my brain is trying to kill me" and he really believes that to be true and feels it all of the time.
Aishes chayil with gusto? No, not even close. His emotional side of things, or affectionate side of thigns is almost non existent. It is very hard for me in that regard.

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:47 pm

There are different kinds of episodes. I knew b4 I got married that he didn't get abusive. He got suicidal during depressions, and impetuous/irrational/agitated during mania. Not dangerous.

Here's a quote from a really interesting website on the topic:

Quote:

G. If I do have bipolar disorder or a schizophrenic disorder, and break down one day, I'll know it, right? It will just take control of me and make me do whatever it wants. No. Mental illness cannot make you kill somebody or do some other awful thing. Whether you like it or not, you are going to be you, all your life. That's whether you are drunk, hypnotized, locked in a sensory deprivation tank, or experiencing a psychotic episode. If you would never kill anybody, you will never kill anybody while under the influence of anything.

(from http://willigocrazy.org/Ch01.htm)

When he has a manic episode he will do something stupid like buying 45 notebooks (which are not on sale and we have no need for) and borrow $350 for a trip to see his Rebbe.

When we notice he might be manic he gives me the credit cards.

Like I said we catch it early so I have never personally had to see him going thru the hell of depression.... hard enough to hear the stories. We have at times discussed whether or not it is worth going in as an inpatient, but have never needed to. A supportive home can be worth a lot more than an inpatient session in a psychiatric ward. THAT is hell on earth.

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:48 pm

robynm wrote:

Has he ever gone off his meds?

No, he hs never gone off the meds. He does not want to be a walking basket case. He wants to be able to function every day life, so he takes them. There are times that he forgets and if it happens two days in a row, I can tell immediately, but BH it ha never happened for more than two days. If he would stop taking them, I would either leave him or talk to his therapist first. The meds have helped him in so many ways that it would be terrible, for everyone if he went off his meds and I believe that he knows it too.

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 1:53 pm

robynm wrote:

amother wrote:

Diff amother here..... I was thinking of starting this thread myself Very Happy

I know he treasures me, but I feel privileged to have him as my spouse, I don't feel like I did him a favor to marry him.)

Have you ever been around him when he was having an episode? Aren't you scared he would hurt your children?

I know you were asking the other amother this question but I have an answer as well, if thats ok.
My husband has episodes too, different than someone with bipolar, but episodes just as well. When he has an episode it is either one of extreme depression where nothing I say or do can get him out of it and he just needs time and his own devices to get out of it. Or it can be an episode of extreme anger where I stay far away from him because then he will make everything my fault and it just spirals out of control. I am not a newlywed at all, so over the years I have learned to live with and deal with both of those episodes and BH am able to get through them, no matter how long they last.
I know my husband would never hurt my children. I know that my children must feel something because when aba gets upset they usually come to ema, but other than that, my husband would not hurt a soul.

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

op - I have tears in my eyes because I could have written the exact same thing about my DH.

Except that my DH is not taking meds now - says he hates how the meds make him feel... so we are dealing with emotional issues and depression ...

Please tell me if your DH has a job? Can you describe what he does? It seems that this condition is causing my DH to go from one job idea to another .... with meds or without so we struggle financially

Dear amother, how do the meds make him feel? My husband's dosage and kind of meds were switched a few times until I was able to see results that were worth every penny.
My husband has a job that he goes to every day. For him that is very important. There was a very difficult year or so in his life, way before he met me where he was not able to work and he was lying on the couch every day, staying in his pjs etc and ever since then, he knows himself, that even if it is killing him inside, he goes out to work or else he knows, he will end up in the hospital and that he does not want.
Hugs to you amother.

amother

Tue, Apr 23 2013, 4:55 pm

amother wrote:

OP -Thank you for starting this thread. My DH has been recently diagnosed with complex PTSD too.
Has he ever tried EMDR? DH's therapist wants to do it and says that once he does it DH will be completely cured. Obviously I'm hoping that he's right but I'm afraid that it sounds too good to be true.

OP here. What is EMDR? How can someone be completely cured from Complex PTSD if that trauma is still going on in their lives?
Also, my husband has been going to the same therapist for the last almost 5 years and I think he would be too scared/nervous to stop going to him (or is this an also thing not an instead of thing?)

amother

Wed, Apr 24 2013, 3:50 pm

amother wrote:

yes, there are a lot of couch days .... sometimes he functions well for weeks maybe even months ... other times find him sleeping on the couch, bed, anywhere ...

I am not sure if I should push for meds now since he is a hypochondriac and blames everything on the meds when he is on them. Now he simply says that he is not feeling well .. wants to give up...

Thanks for starting this thread.

Well, which situation can you live with, more long term? At least if he blames everything on the meds, you know "whose" fault all of the craziness belongs to. Thats my opinion.
My husband is on meds. He is very fr from cured, but they help a lot.

chani8

Thu, Apr 25 2013, 1:52 am

amother wrote:

I posted a thread on this and it got deletes..sorta understand why. But it was about a product called empowerplus by truehope.com which was made for bipolar disorder and can also be for other emotional/mental disorders as well. Check it out. it is best for those who either don't respond to meds or don't like the way the meds make them feel.

The stuff that company uses would help with PTSD. But so would certain herbs. I found Valerian to work immediately and effectively. Dr Amen has done SPECT studies on Valerian and saw that it really works to heal the brain, not quite as quickly as (the right) medication, but effective nonetheless. And it has no little to no side effects.

BTW, weight lifting is also good "medication".

chani8

Thu, Apr 25 2013, 2:19 am

I had complex PTSD, and EMDR changed my life. I also did biofeedback on breathing, another life changing tool. I use SE (somatic experience) daily. You should know about EFT. I didn't find EFT so helpful, but I've heard that some people do.

I also read a lot. I can't imagine having a diagnosis and not reading everything you can on the subject. A person with mental illness has to take their healing into their own hands. No therapist or even medication is going to do it for you. I found talk therapy to be the least effective. 12 Step support groups were the best. Self help tools, like journalling and art therapy and pets, helped me. Anger work was life changing. Cognitive Therapy is good, too, and keeps the depression away. There are great books on it (Dr Burns The Feeling Good Workbook).

Encourage your spouses to create a theraputic lifestyle and a support system.

amother

Fri, Apr 26 2013, 3:41 am

chani8 wrote:

amother wrote:

What exactly does that herb do? You said you saw an immediate effectiveness, in terms of what?