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Shadchan Fee
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 5:46 pm
I don't know if this is the best forum to place this under, but I have no idea where else to ask.

My question is this: My friend met her fiancé through a Rabbi. He gave her the guys' contact info.
They ended up getting engaged and wanted to know what shadchan fees are. They feel that because they met through this rabbi, they should buy him a gift or pay him a small token of appreciation.

I don't have any experience with paying a shadchan for a match well made. Do any of you know what the protocol in this situation is, how much the average rate is, etc?

thanks
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amother


 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 5:52 pm
I met my husband through an acquaintance, my husband had only met her in an online cooking forum. I doubt she put much more thought into it than he was a male and she was a female. It took a few years but we did get married. We gave her a very generous financial gift.

[edited by a mod. please post in a polite manner.]
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paprika




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 6:03 pm
A shadchan should get more than just a small token of appreciation. AFAIK, people usually give $1500 - $2,000.
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 8:22 pm
I made 2 shidduchim & was paid $500 both times but 1 of the shidduchim was for my brother. This was around 14 years ago.
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 8:26 pm
If all the rabbi did was give a phone number to the guy and give the girl a nice referral - you don't have to pay him anything. This is not a career - it was just a nice thing. I gave a kid a lift home yesterday. Should his parents pay me for it?
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scrltfr




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 8:30 pm
costanza wrote:
If all the rabbi did was give a phone number to the guy and give the girl a nice referral - you don't have to pay him anything. This is not a career - it was just a nice thing. I gave a kid a lift home yesterday. Should his parents pay me for it?


It doesn't have to be a career. He helped make a shidduch. Give the rabbi something. Why start the marriage ff on the wrong foot?
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 9:50 pm
In my circles each side pays the shadchan about $1000, but I know it varies tremendously by community.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 02 2013, 10:49 pm
scrltfr wrote:
costanza wrote:
If all the rabbi did was give a phone number to the guy and give the girl a nice referral - you don't have to pay him anything. This is not a career - it was just a nice thing. I gave a kid a lift home yesterday. Should his parents pay me for it?


It doesn't have to be a career. He helped make a shidduch. Give the rabbi something. Why start the marriage ff on the wrong foot?


Agree with the latter post. It's 'kafui tov' to not acknowledge and properly thank the person who was instrumental in your meeting your intended. Whether its a professional shadchan, or a mutual friend: giving a gift (or money) is the right thing to do. My husband and I met online but we had a mutual friend who was encouraging to both of us in the beginning, and we appreciate that without her, we may not have decided to meet, and so we gave her $500 which we thought was appropriate. Then again, a friend of mine and a friend of my husband met at a get together we set up the night before our wedding (for the express purpose of having our friends meet each other) and they ended up getting married, and they did not give us any sort of thank you present, which to me seemed a glaring omission. No one does it for the money (ok, unless you're a professional) but its the right thing to do
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 7:38 am
People usually don't pay, unless the shadchan asks for an applying fee (30-60 euros), a fee by meeting, a fee at engagement, or a fee at chuppa.

I have never seen these 1000 dollar matches. Hardly anyone would agree around here.

I didn't pay my shadchan. When amothers started saying odd stuff about this, I asked my rav who said don't pay, then my shadchan who got all offended, and I finally sent 18 euros symbolically to a charity for him...
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:17 am
scrltfr wrote:
costanza wrote:
If all the rabbi did was give a phone number to the guy and give the girl a nice referral - you don't have to pay him anything. This is not a career - it was just a nice thing. I gave a kid a lift home yesterday. Should his parents pay me for it?


It doesn't have to be a career. He helped make a shidduch. Give the rabbi something. Why start the marriage ff on the wrong foot?


So there is an element of superstition to all of this?

What about paying someone for referring a good handyman or dentist? They also have helped improve your life.
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:33 am
costanza wrote:
scrltfr wrote:
costanza wrote:
If all the rabbi did was give a phone number to the guy and give the girl a nice referral - you don't have to pay him anything. This is not a career - it was just a nice thing. I gave a kid a lift home yesterday. Should his parents pay me for it?


It doesn't have to be a career. He helped make a shidduch. Give the rabbi something. Why start the marriage ff on the wrong foot?


So there is an element of superstition to all of this?

What about paying someone for referring a good handyman or dentist? They also have helped improve your life.


There is a HUGE difference between referring a good handyman or dentist to someone & referring a successful shidduch to someone!! I'm actually surprised that you don't see any difference between the two. Besides, it's customary to show some form of monetary appreciation to someone who facilitated a shidduch while it isn't customary to do the same for a handyman or dentist referral.
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paprika




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:38 am
paprika wrote:
A shadchan should get more than just a small token of appreciation. AFAIK, people usually give $1500 - $2,000.


Each side gives above said amount.
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Cookies n Cream




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:38 am
Yups, I definitely believe there's a difference in appreciation between my Shadchan and my neighbor that recommended my local dentist..
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b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:42 am
Cookies n Cream wrote:
Yups, I definitely believe there's a difference in appreciation between my Shadchan and my neighbor that recommended my local dentist..


Unless of course the dentist becomes your husband LOL !
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:49 am
A Shadchan as far as I am concerned is supposed to get paid whether they are professional or not and even if they are a friend or casual aqcuaintance, or a Rav. I volunteer for a matchmaking website and even they say while you are not allowed to do a required fee on your own, the suggested amount is 2000 dollars per shidduch.

We gave my friend who set us up that amount, even though she isn't an official or professional Shadchan.
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 8:59 am
I would think that if this is all L'Shem Shomayim then there wouldn't be standard fees.

Sorry, like many other elements of frum society today, this has become a racket. How do you explain comments along the lines of "If I don't pay the shaddchan the marriage will get off on the wrong foot"?

If someone is a professional matchmaker and you go to them for the express purpose of utilizing their time and resources - fine. I can see where a fee is necessary. But I still have not been convinced that casual, friendly shidduch suggestions are something that need to be compensated for monetarily. Shouldn't the person who made the match just be happy that it worked out?

To play devil's advocate, if a marriage ends in divorce, does the shaddchan provide a refund?
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Cookies n Cream




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 9:11 am
I'm very involved in Shiduchim, amnd trust me it's for the Mitzvah not for the money.
The amount of time I spend on a Shiduch does not make it worth it if I would be doing it for the money.
There is an inyan to pay the Shadchan something, even if it's a very small amount.

I know someone that broke their engagement. The Shadchan felt terrible and sent back the money but the boy(don't know the girl's side) refused to take it back and told her to keep it.
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Isramom8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 9:11 am
OP, in my kids' circles (Litvish Chareidi Israeli) there is clear protocol. The total payment is $1000 from each side. If one person gave the name, and another person acted as the go-between when they were dating, the pay is divided as follows: one third goes to the person who provided the name and two thirds go to the person who did the work.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 9:13 am
I charge no fee . but ask people to consult their Rav for their sake on what is appropriate on each case.

Hashem is really the shadhan so the idea of charging $$$ is a big turn off for me .

Some girls have shadhans in the USA who charge $2000 upfront with no money back warranty shock Exploding anger
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costanza




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 03 2013, 9:17 am
[quote="Cookies n Cream"]
There is an inyan to pay the Shadchan something, even if it's a very small amount.

quote]

This is the crux of the issue to me. What exactly does it mean to be an inyan? Does that mean it is a halacha? Or does it mean it has just become "industry standard"?

I guess I also have little understanding of the need for a shaddchan to continue to be a go-between after the initial exchange of names and numbers has taken place. In my circles, once they meet, they can speak to each other for themselves.
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