really upset! | Imamother

sunflower_seed

Fri, May 17 2013, 11:08 am

Really need to vent!
Last sunday I was asked by local sem girls whether I could take some of them this friday night.
I said ok and then thought that I could use some help especially that I have a busy schedule right now.
So I asked them to bring dessert (there are 4 of them). That was Monday. They said ok.
A few hours ago they called me up and said that actually as I am so busy they could go somewhere else.
I said no, please come, I have cooked already and invited another couple.
So they said not sure how many of them will come in the end.
Was it wrong of me to ask for help? Did they act this way because I wanted them to help me?
I just cant figure it out.
But I am really upset!
I work and have a busy house and they act as if they are doing ME a favor!!!

usernamemom

Fri, May 17 2013, 12:26 pm

I don't know if this has changed since my sem days, but looking back on when I was in sem, I'm appalled at how inconsiderate we were (as a group, including me) of our hosts for Shabbosos. Not to absolve us of any blame, but I also think the sems are at fault; they know 18 yr olds are away from home mostly for the first time, and are making their own Shabbos arrangements. they are not shy to micromanage and dissect lots of other mintutia in the details of the girls' lives (Halacha, chumra and random sensitivities) and yet there is no lecture, workshop, memo something (!) giving the girls a sense of menchlach protocol when you are inviting yourselves to strangers' homes- most of whom are hardworking large families with not much to spare. Like I said, this was awhile ago, but I hope by now the seminaries have taken a little more responsibility to educate their charges about the basic courtesy and derech eretz of being a guest, and that my hosts have forgiven me for my self-centeredness that year. I hope they were dan me l'kaf zechut:)

greenfire

Fri, May 17 2013, 2:14 pm

yeah not so sure girls understand helping out or bringing dessert ... you should not ask them because it is off-putting quite possibly to you as well as them - since you want help and they're probably looking for a break ...

I prefer my guests being guests - so much easier this way

hopefully they'll show up anyhow

IloveHashem613

Fri, May 17 2013, 5:27 pm

usernamemom wrote:

I can not agree with this post more! Seminaries really need to teach the girls some common sense and derech eretz when going out for shabbos meals. I remember being in sem and I for sure did the most inconsiderate things to my hosts so many times cuz when you are young, naive and don't know anything about cooking for a family for shabbos, you just treat your hosts like a hotel. I also hope seminaries educate their girls better nowadays to avoid situations like these.

Tamiri

Sat, May 18 2013, 3:25 pm

And teach them not to bring their own food and eat it in their bedroom. I was willing to mop up long hairs, okay. But I was disgusted to find cake/cookie crumbs. This country is over-run by bugs/ants and having food in the bedroom is not only rude, it's a recipe for a disaster in the Israeli home. It's not like we didn't have plenty of food readily available, either.....

amother

Sat, May 18 2013, 8:06 pm

I really agree about the sem girls being obliveous. I get phone call all the time cozi live in Israel. I totally love hosting, and did so until it occurred to me that they think im a hotel!
The girls tell their friends on their phone - about other families- " ye their food is ok.." and then tell me "poor thing, she's so nervous because she is a picky eater and she once went to a wierd family..." and I though about the kind "wierd family " who hosted spoiled girls who are haanve no idea what it means to host strangers, prepare beds, etc. And why should they ?
And I get calls saying "my place just cancelled, can I come?"
your place??
so my house is a place, my effort is annonymous, you're coming to a bed and food, not people.
find a hotel. thats what I do when I want a holiday

granolamom

Sat, May 18 2013, 9:47 pm

Tamiri wrote:

I used to bring food along all the time when I was in sem. I never knew how much food my hosts would be serving, or if it would be edible. also, many of my hosts did not have snacks around and I'd get hungry, especially if it seemed that there wasnt all that much to go around at the seuda.
I almost always brought a box of cookies or other treat as a gift, but I couldnt really count on that feeding me once it was given as a gift. It never occurred to me at the time, that I was encouraging bugs/ants.

imasinger

Sat, May 18 2013, 9:50 pm

If parents haven't been to seminary themselves, they may not think of what to tell the girls, and if the families don't eat out much, there won't have been the examples to follow.

I am going to pass the ikkar of this thread on to the local BY moros who prepare girls for interviews, and see if they want to have a session for 12th graders with some of these basics.

IloveHashem613

Sat, May 18 2013, 10:21 pm

I could sooo understand why people
Would be upset at being treated like a hotel, bugs in rooms etc... And at the same time I can soo remember doing things just like that in sem because we really didn't know better or have any understanding what it meant to have a family and host girls for shabbos. There should be a system in place where hosts can e plain to sem girls that what hey think they are so "innocently" doing is causing families a lot of stress.

amother

Sat, May 18 2013, 10:24 pm

granolamom wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

This is why I don't want guests.

amother

Sat, May 18 2013, 11:09 pm

I went to sem 7(omg im getting old!!!!) years ago. My seminary did give us lectures on being good guests. Reading the ops posts is really upsetting. I would be really upset. As guests my friends and I woukd always call our hosts and ask them what time they would like us to come. Offering to come hrs early to help before shabbos or coming close to shabbos,according to their preferance. I remember making kugals 2 hrs before shabbos in complete strangers kitchens,folding laundry,bathing babies,washing dishes.......serving and clearing during the meals,we ALWAYS offered to take to kids to the park or play with them in the apartment during the day.we always bought a cake or other bakery stuff with us for the host.

I did eat in my room sometimes and now I feel so badly!! But I cant tell you how many times I would be a guest somewhere and lunch wouldnt start till 1 in the afternoon and no food was offered to us until that time...I need to eat breakfast or I get reallly nauseous!!

granolamom

Sat, May 18 2013, 11:33 pm

amother wrote:

granolamom wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

This is why I don't want guests.

and this is why I try to provide amply for guests and not to get bent out of shape over their inconsiderate behaviors.
I do understand the OP's frustration, but I also understand that her guests might be ignorantly inconsiderate.
just wondering though if sem girls have access to a kitchen, if not it might be odd to ask them to purchase dessert.