Shadchanus Question!

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 1:53 pm

Generally, when someone makes your child's shidduch - who gives shadchanus? Do both the parents of the girl AND the parents of the boy usually give something?

The reason I ask is I made a shidduch recently and the parents of the girl did not send anything, even a mere thank you note would have been nice. but nothing. I feel perplexed because I remember when I got married both my family and DH's family gave the shadchan and she wasn't even involved really or think of the idea, she just facilitated the first couple of dates. Anyone have an idea how thins works?

imasinger

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:06 pm

Is it possible that his side gave enough for both because hers had financial issues?

I also thought both sides contributed. I wonder why they didn't.

agreer

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:06 pm

Usually both sides give the shadchan.

However, if there were 2 shadchans, one from the boy's side and one from the girl's side, then each side gives their respective shadchan and that's it.

If you were the only shadchan involved and spoke with both sides, really both should give, unless the boy's side is giving for the whole shidduch, which could be the arrangement the parents made. I have heard of both sides giving together.

mommish613

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:07 pm

Is the couple still engaged or already married? If they are not married yet then don't be concerned, many people wait until the actual wedding takes place.

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:15 pm

And occasionally the parents don't even know you were the shadchan!

Happened to me. I worked very hard (it was a complicated situation) but I mostly spoke to the boy's sister, getting all the hurdles passed. By the time matters progressed, nobody knew I had been involved, and I'm not one to toot my horn.

After they were married a couple of years with no children, I said out loud that I am mochel the shadchanus. (I was never makpid but there is a concept that it needs to be said out loud.) BH we heard good news soon thereafter.

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:19 pm

Yes I was the only shadchan involved. Could be the girls family is waiting until after the wedding.. I just assume it's not a joint check because there was nothing in the note that said it was from the girls family only the boy's. As I said even a mere think you note would be nice from the girls family but I haven't received anything - guess I will wait till after the wedding.

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 2:28 pm

I made 2 shidduchim and wasn't paid from both sides for either.
the first one, the couple gave me something, and the second the kallahs mother gave me. (not much for either and I was always clear that I don't do it for the money - they only give because they have/want to whatever they feel they should, money is an issue for many people and I wouldn't want anyone to worry about this..)

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 3:21 pm

I made a shidduch 4 years ago (yeshivish couple) and the girl was a work friend and the guy was a son of my mom's friend. I received an $1,000 check from the girl's family and jewelry valued at about the same amount (I went to exchange the jewelry, so that's how I knew) from the guy's family. I felt extremely appreciated!

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2013, 3:21 pm

I should also add that the girl's family gave me the check on the day of the wedding.

amother

Wed, Nov 12 2014, 11:25 pm

These posts make me laugh. My side and DH each paid 1300 and shadchan was livid. She wanted 1800-2000 from both sides, but particularly my side bec I was a girl. She also was very upset we did not pay her immediately (we paid 2 months after we were engaged). And no my parents are certainly not wealthy and were borrowing from gemachs to make my wedding. They were all upset about her demands and attitude. And it is very awkward for us as well as I am grateful to her but her behavior was crazy.

imasoftov

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 6:20 am

amother wrote:

Whenever anyone is offended by what I gave them I offer to take it back ...

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 6:26 am

It should be made clear from start.

If both hired you and you set them up together it's normal both pay you if you said you want to be paid, and how much you want to.

If one hired you and you looked for a spouse for this side and happened to find or hear of the other but he didn't "apply" by you, it's normal only the side hiring you paid.

amother

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 1:37 pm

What is average shadchanus in flatbush for a regular girl boy age 22 and 25. Shadchan did everything from start. First tkme she redd a shidduch to either party...

amother

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 2:32 pm

It makes no difference that it was the first shidduch she made. I think minimum is 1200 from each side.

DD recently got engaged. It was her single friend's idea and she asked her married BIL (chasan's friend) to redd it. We gave him $1500 to share with his sil (1/3-2/3). It was the 2nd time he made a shidduch. Not a professional.

amother

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 3:07 pm

A shadchan approached my father and said he wants to redd a shidduch but he wants 35,000 if the shidduch happens. My father told him not to redd the shidduch.

amother

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 3:12 pm

My parents gave 1000 at the wedding. My husband comes from a messed up parental unit and they didn't give anything. On a happier note, we are undyingly grateful to our shadchanim (a couple) and have a practice of taking them out once a year to a fancy restaurant.

supty

Thu, Nov 13 2014, 3:42 pm

My dh made a shidduch, and each side gave $1000, but the boy side didn't give it till the day of the wedding-so don't give up hope yet Wink