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Looking for some tips for hosting guests for Shabbos
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medola




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 5:46 am
We have been living in a new community for a year now and I guess I have realized that the best way to make new friends is by hosting them for a Shabbos meal. The problems is, I get so stressed out when I am having shabbos guests, that I very rarely host. Here's my list of issues/quirks:


- I stress about the food. People judge you (perhaps subconsciously) for what you cook, the variety of your dishes, etc. I don't eat fish so making a fish dish grosses me out. I also rarely make dessert when it's just me and my family. So making dessert is pretty unfamiliar territory for me.

- Next, this part I find to be an oxymoron. How am I supposed to have a clean kitchen if I just slaved for a whole day or two cooking. My kitchen is often such a mess come candle lighting that I just turn all the lights off but the dim stove light so that I don't see the mess! (Should I have prefaced this earlier that I have no paid help or order children that I can set to work)

- When I have guests or am making an elaborate Shabbos I always end up having to chose the food prep and cleaning over my children. They end up getting snapped at at least twice that day, and get put in front of some streaming kids show for hours. DH and I don't like to let our kids watch tv but there's just no other way on Friday - I still have not learned how to clone myself into 2 or 3 different mommies so that my kids (4 and 1 yrs) don't get ignored while I cook and clean...

- Seating- we used to have one of those wooden tables with a leaf but once we moved here we downsized, for some reason. My table is glass and (so no extensions) and only seats 6. My family is 4 (one in a high chair) so that really only leaves 2-3 guests. I could bring out the old wobbly folding card table, which seats 4 extra as a kids table or just 2 extra when it is used as a makeshift extension. But still the seating thing is definitely an issue! Maybe I will have to invest in a big folding table?

- Well that's all I can think of at the moment, aside from my general social anxiety over what to talk about (can someone help with that? Any imamothers out there want to take a stab at creating a good list of great conversation topics or questions to ask someone you just met? - where are you from/ do you have any siblings/ how did you meat your DH, etc)

You would think I was just married yesterday but I am going on 6 years! My last community was just so warm and we were always the ones getting invited out every Shabbos, I just never really picked up the skills to do it myself, as I didn't grow up frum or ever hosting guests at home..

Thanks!
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 7:02 am
I don't have guests right how for a few different reasons but your second and third comments are universal to all of us. This is how I deal with them.

1) I wash each dish after using and put away. I wipe counters as needed too. I try very hard not to cook in a rush so I have time to clean as I go.

2) I cook slow. I make a few things on at a time and let my 2 1/2 year old help. I use night and nap time too. I start early in the week with baked goods and freeze, soup I make either a fast veggie soup or chicken soup in the crockpot while we sleep. This all works for now because I am not working iyh I am starting a job next week and will probably cook at night while DS sleeps.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 7:42 am
rule number one:

don't go all out with the food. you DON'T need multiple courses. challah, a main dish, some side salad(s) and a starch are more than fine. side salads can be things that need little prep. cole slaw is fairly easy, even if you have to shred the carrots/cabbage and make mayo on your own. if you want to replace a salad with a kugel, that's fine too. you can freeze potato kugel very nicely in advance. if you need a good no-patchke recipe, let me know. you can also bake a squash instead of a side dish. butternut, acorn, spaghetti, kabocha squashes are all delicious and require minimal prep. they say you should split them and steam, I just bake them whole and scoop out the seeds before serving. oh, and remember that frozen veggies are your friends.

extra seating: acquire a folding table for times you want more guests. folding chairs are also good to have.

occupying your kids:

let them help you cook. you can give your 4 yr old a plastic knife and some cucumbers to keep busy. I let my 20 month old stand on a step stool next to me and rinse her hands in the sink while I cook. I leave the water on at a trickle. you can also give your toddler a baby bowl and sponge and let him/her "wash dishes." best, though, is to cook while your youngest naps. 4 yr old can also sprinkle spices and put chunks of veggies in a food processor. s/he can even press the buttons. s/he can also rip lettuce leaves, help bread chicken, use cookie cutters/a melon baller to shape fruit, help peel hard boiled eggs, mix contents of a bowl, braid challah, wipe a counter, put some dishes away, wash veggies, etc. that age views cooking as fun if you present it that way.

dessert: don't do anything crazy. fruit salad is just fine. if you know how to cut fruit to look fancy, do it. if you only know how to cut into chunks, do that. if you want to add some sugar, put whipped topping on the table. if you want another thing to give your 4 yr old to do, put some sugar cookies in a ziploc bag, seal, and give the child a rolling pin to crush them. you can serve cups of cut up fruit, whipped topping, and cookie crumbs on top. if cherries are in season, put one on there as well. it'll look pretty. you don't need to bake anything unless you need to bake the cookies. those can be frozen in bulk.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 7:50 am
in the words of erma bombeck

"I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded."

https://mysendoff.com/2012/02/.....over/
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Jewishmofm




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:07 am
1) there are other days in the week for cooking than friday - start early in the week and freeze. Most shabbos dishes I double when I make them and stick one in the freezer for some other time. (challah, soup, chicken, kugel all freeze well. We love fish so I make that, but you can just as easily do a fricassee or mini-meatball dish as first dish)
2) I second greenfire's quote - my house does not look perfect. Anyone who is uncomfortable with my mess won't come back, and we have many repeats (after a while, they call to invite themselves!) DH likes it more presentable, so he helps out with the cleaning when he can, and when he can't he closes his eyes.
3)discussion topics depend on the people we have- we always start with the basic who are you kinda stuff, and will get into tangents based on their interests (which we pick up from their job, hobbies, where they live) we also like current events and torah talk - helped along by our kids parsha sheets and inquisitiveness.
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Kugglegirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:13 am
I find it's easiest to invite people for Shabbas lunch & just serve chulent & challa. Some salads- out of a bag is fine. Margerine for Challa & other spreads that are easy to make.

Deli if it's in your budget.

I have not served a regular fish course in years. Mostly for Yom Tov.

Have not been baking much for desserts in a while. I have one of those 5 compartment trays from a fruit tray someone sent us once. I put nuts, raisins, marshmallows, chocolate chips, any candy I have on hand, one in each compartment & everyone seems fine w. that & tea. Fruit if I remember to put it out.

Grapes are easy to put out, clementines, etc. Cut melon, again, if I remember to put out.

Lots of times people it's only my kids eating any dessert, as the adults- esp. ladies all claim to be dieting.

Hot water for tea/coffee is very civilized.

At this point, in my family, we have some regular singles who come on Friday nights, when ever they need a place. I do not do anything extra, except add a few more pieces of chicken. Dinner is chicken, a vegegtable, a starch - coos cous if very pressed. soup when can manage.

Best to you w. having guests. must go now w. toddler needing attention
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:17 am
if you want to cook easy ... make a pan or two of roasted chicken and put potatoes underneath - easy & yumm
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freidasima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:17 am
Cook simple
Chuck the glass table
Sponge cake, frut and a nice box of pareve chocolates for dessert.
Cook in bulk and freeze and defrost.
Cook at night when your kids sleep
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:25 am
Start to prepare whatever you can early in the week and freeze (or even the week before). For example, chicken soup, noodles and/or matza balls.

Make as much as you can in the oven using disposable pans. Easy clean up, lots of things cooking together at the same time, what could be better? For example: unroll a frozen loaf of gefilte fish and rub with oil then bake in snug loaf pan for 1 hour and 15 minutes at 350. Or spread a paste of crushed garlic olive oil coarse salt and black pepper over salmon fillets and bake uncovered for 20 minutes at 400. Roast chicken and potatoes in one pan. Roast fresh green beans on a cookie sheet for 8 minutes on 400. Cut up veggie sticks on a platter and serve with dip. Season bagged salad. Then serve cut up fruit for dessert.

Have everything ready by Thursday night. Leave cleaning for Friday. (It takes longer than you think.)

Use the card table for the kids or invest in a large folding table.

Enjoy!
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 8:27 am
I have some of the same issues and I'm married 15 years.

I stopped obsessing about my menu, people (at least not people I want in my life) do not really judge you based on what you cook.
its ok to serve bakery cookies for dessert and a fruit platter. or small cups of sorbet.

I do the bulk of my cooking thurs night when the younger kids are asleep.

for me, the biggest issue (after not enough seating space) is shabbos morning. its hard to get ready with little kids underfoot, and hard to serve and entertain while also taking care of the little ones. BH my dh usually carries the conversation so I dont have to worry about that.


another option might be to invite people for seudat shlishit. that's a bit less formal so you might be able to relax a bit.
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spinkles




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:30 am
Invite people for Shabbos lunch. Nights are stressful when you have little kids to deal with.

Challah, cakes, and a lot of kugels freeze well. Then all you have to do is boil some gefilte fish (foolproof), make salads, put up a chulent and maybe make shnitzel. Cook on Thursday night so you have time to clean on Friday.

Ask people about themselves in a non-intrusive way. Compliment them. Find your shared interests, and let the conversation flow.

Enjoy your company!
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little_mage




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 6:13 pm
What about simply inviting people over in the afternoon for tea and snacks? Have some cookies and fruit and stuff to drink, and people can just smooze. Mush less stressful, and seating space is much less of an issue since you don't need to sit at the table.
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 6:40 pm
It's much easier to prepare and invite for a day meal.

Buy dessert. Toffuti squares are not that expensive and make a nice dessert.

Like ra mom said. All cooking done by Thursday. Cleaning for Friday.

Invite outgoing people. They can lead the conversation.

Make a really easy meal for Friday night to balance it out.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 7:14 pm
All great ideas.

A folding table, when covered, looks just fine.

Conversation topics can be asking questions about the guests -- where did you grow up, for some couples, how did you meet (depending on hashkafa), what are your children doing, hobbies. Or subjects of general interest -- parsha, local news, etc. My DH will often ask around RH if guests will share one dream they hope to see fulfilled in the coming year, and at other times, about what is your favorite YT.

Once you have done this a few times, it gets easier (though I still cook too much, too, so I sympathize).
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DREAMING




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 9:29 pm
I prefer hosting on Shabbos because I find it is easier than a weekday menu.
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Ay Jay Jay




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:07 pm
People might think I am CRAZY but disposable dishes all the way.. They have fancy ones that look very nice on a Shabbos table.
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Ay Jay Jay




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:08 pm
You can also do somewhat of a potluck, one person makes a kugel, another dessert.. I also have a guest bring dessert since I'm not a baker.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 04 2013, 10:17 pm
Does your dh help? It's best to leave him the area he cares most about. A dh that cares most that there will be good food -- let him pitch in majorly with the cooking, etc. A dh that wants a clean house - you cook, he cleans.

I second disposable cooking pans.

Dessert - presentation is everything. Buy a few pretty dessert dishes, and learn how to arrange stuff nicely on them. Fruit is always good. IME most people don't really want cake after a heavy meal.

Make easy one pot recipes, like chamin/chulent. Always make some kid friendly options if you have kids over. My kid friendly stand-by is plain white rice or plain white pasta and shnitzel. It's also good if you have picky adult guests.

Folding tables are great. We use ours all the time when we have guests.
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hop613




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 05 2013, 5:30 am
-cook in disposables and make one bowl recipes. I basically refuse to cook anything if it dirties more than one bowl or requires more than 10 minutes of prep work. My food is good and fine, but I don't think anyone is coming here for the food.

- I rarely have guests at the moment because I am too tired to cook at night, and like you, I am not going to put my kids in front of a video for hours so I can cook. My kids need a lot of hands on attention, so right now, we simply don;t have guests very often. Cooking and freezing in bulk is a good option.

The bottom line is that you need to find a way to make having company less stressful, or its just not worth it. Having a stressed out mother for the days before shabbos IMHO is not worth the benefits of having company.

Shalish Shudis is definitely the easiest option.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 05 2013, 6:07 am
I tend to agree that shabbos lunch is an easier meal to host. challah, dips, gefilte fish, a bunch of interesting salads to fill people up, and a cholent. done. fruit and candy for dessert. while that is my more basic meal, and I usually make more as we aren't big cholent people, if I wanted to have a lot of guests thats probably what I would do.
there are many interesting salad recipes out there that fill people up that are great. try a deli salad, or a salad with beans etc. people actually get excited over the different combos and it is a whole course in itself. salads are easy to prep on friday by just cutting veggies, and can be assembled shabbos morning.

so while I offer the above advice, I would still like to say that I feel really strongly that if having shabbos guests is making you feel miserable or snappy at your children, then it's not worth it. better that your children for the sake of chinuch should see their mother calm and simchadik on shabbos than mean and nasty and nervous just for the sake of guests. it might send the wrong message to the children that the guests are more important.
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