Who is more of a priority - husb. or children?

miriam

Fri, Sep 24 2004, 10:30 am

I heard a story but I dont remember the details but I will share the overall point. A wife had made plans to go on a business trip with her husband. After the plans were made, she realized it was the same time as her daughter's high school graduation. She chose to go with her husband over the grad. When all the kids get married and move out of the house, who is left? Just the husband and wife. When I first heard this story, her decision really bothered me. But as I am maturing and learning more about life, I see her point.
So I guess the answer to your question is the husband takes priority over the children.

zuncompany

Fri, Sep 24 2004, 1:29 pm

For the last couple of hours I have been thinking about this as I cook. For me personally it really depends on the situation. If lets say my baby has a stuffed nose (babies can't blow their noses and can't breath if its not sucked out for them) and needs me asap to suck his nose, or my husband has a cold and wants some soup. I will run to the baby first. My husband can still get the soup whereas the baby can not help itself. However I have been known to put my boys to bed a little early if my husband and I have not have much time together alone so we can have some alone time.

For me it just depends. And you know what... sometimes I am the priority because if mommy is a wreck or whatever how will she help anyone else or do anything for anyone else.
Sara

Motek

Sun, Sep 26 2004, 12:41 pm

re business trip with husband or H.S. grad - not easy to decide

since nobody brought it up yet, I'll present a different perspective
one can say like this:

a child graduates just one time from high school, if you miss it, there will never be another opportunity to attend their high school graduation
forever after it will be - you missed your child's high school graduation

husband will make other trips, there will be other opportunities to spend time with him

Pickle Lady

Sun, Sep 26 2004, 10:19 pm

Thats interesting... I recently read diarys of children who died in the holocust. One was a daughter who was taken care of by her grandparents because the mother wanted to travel with her new husband. The mother worked very hard to prevent her and her husband from being deported. They weren't and survived the war. The daughter died hand picked by Dr. Mangela (spelling?) in one of the camps. The husband then died a few years later of some sickness. Then about a year later the mother was found dead in her apartment holding a picture of her dead daughter. That diary really touched me. I really don't think there should be a choice. The love I have for my children is different than the love I have for my husband. Wouldn't the father want to go to the high school reunion? I just don't understand why there should be a choice. Just because the children leave the home doesn't mean they still don't need their parents. My mother passed away when I was 21. I miss her very much just because I was about to leave home and get married soon doesn't mean I didn't need her and don't miss her.

Mon, Sep 27 2004, 8:38 am

I can tell you one thing, I am definitely on the bottom of the priority list (but I am working on it).

When we first got married, my husband had 4 children who lived mostly with us. (Is there any other step parent out there????) Anyway, he made a rule that once a week, whether for 30 minutes or 4 hours, we would go on a date. Baruch Hashem, even with our own 3 now, we have managed to keep this up for about 90 percent of the time. I sometimes feel guilty leaving the kids, (infants always went on dates with us), but the benefits for my husband and I, and through our commitment to each other, the family is amazingly strong - b'li neder. Now when we go out, we get kisses and the kids understand that mommy and tatty need to spend time together.

Now, having said all that, my husband really wants to go away for a few days - just us. I can't do it. The longest we've been without kids was 24 hours - and that was a stretch for me.

deedee

Mon, Sep 27 2004, 10:18 am

hi -step parent right here! we have been married for 2 years and my husband just got custody of his kids (their mother would leave them home alone in the middle of the nite!) we have a 8mt old baby so its hard for me to adjust to all these kids at one time!!!

deedee

Mon, Sep 27 2004, 9:40 pm

hi chayasara I opened a new forum so we step moms can chat!

Quote:

My priority definitely goes to my baby. My toddler can't help himself if he needs something and my husband can. My husband agrees with this

of course u have to take care of your baby. when my husband comes home and I'm holding the baby I put her down (providing that she is fed and clean, which I like to take care of b-4 he comes home) and talk to him about his day. at least trying to touch base every day to keep or relationship strong. we each realize that there are children that need to be taken care of but not to the extent that hubby is on the back burner. remember, b-4 there were kids it was just husband and wife.
the ever increasing divorce rate can also be attributed to spouses that get so busy with their lives (kids, work...)that they realize they have become strangers!

Motek

Tue, Sep 28 2004, 4:05 pm

have we gotten off the original question?

seems to me that if a baby is hungry and needs to be nursed, and the husband is hungry and needs to eat, everybody would agree that nursing the baby takes priority

but that's like asking, if someone asks you for directions and just then, someone falls on the street and is bleeding, who would you help? the answer is obvious

I don't think the question, who comes first in your life, husband or children, was answered

it's not about whose immediate needs must be met, but on a deeper level, who-takes-priority ...

and I don't have an answer, and we shouldn't have to make these choices, and everybody's needs should be met and all should be happy, amen.

Tefila

Wed, Nov 24 2004, 5:53 pm

Motek

Quote:

but that's like asking, if someone asks you for directions and just then, someone falls on the street and is bleeding, who would you help? the answer is obvious

Generally parents should be first they were there b/4 the kids and ia"h will be there after kids leave home. This is hard but in my opinion be worked on as a prority. Hope amother I sort've answered you Exclamation

Rivka

Wed, Dec 01 2004, 8:10 pm

I think if a both parents put each other first and show they care and love each other it shows their children that they are in a healthy marriage which means a healthy family and when the kids grow older and have their own families they will more likely have a healthy relatonship with their spouse.

hadasa

Sun, Dec 05 2004, 9:54 am

I recently had to make this decision. My husband really wanted to go away with me for two days and I didn't really want to leave the kids for two nights, but I decided that our relationship takes priority.
I even considered leaving my youngest, who's nursing, since she doesn't really need me for nourishment anymore, but at the last minute I felt I just couldn't, and shlepped her along.

AweSumThenSum

Wed, Dec 15 2004, 4:55 pm

my daughter once put me in my place(pm me for details) when she said "you borned me, you take of me". I think that sums it up, especially when the kids are younger. the younger a child, the more they depend on their parents for their physical needs, and the older they get, the more the needs shift from physical to emotional. as for our spouses, they are more emotionally dependent on us than physically dependent. yes, we provide for them physically as well, but generally speaking, spouses have emotional needs more than physical.
so I guess the answer to the ? would greatlydepend on the age of the children.
having said all that, let me just say that, if polled, majority of mothers would answer "children, and majority of fathers would answer "wife". maybe it's cuz mothers share a blood bond w/ their child, while the bond b/w husband and wife is more of an emotional one? I think mothers instinctively want to protect their children and the bond a mother feels to her child is much stronger than the bond between husband and wife - no matter how good the relationship is. and I think that when a wife chooses her husband over her child, it's because she's afraid of the reprecussions rather than because she instinctively WANTS to.
interesting topic though.