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-> Interesting Discussions
southernbubby
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 Sun, Mar 26 2006, 9:06 am
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Rebbitzen Kazen of Cleveland always taught that women should make sure that there is some food available when the husband comes home from davening or work so that even if the baby is being fed, he can eat. She also taught that if there is only one piece of pie or chicken left, the children should realize that that special snack is for their father. Hopefully the father will return this by requiring the children to be respectful to the mother.
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happymom
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Sun, Mar 26 2006, 9:52 am
| Quote: | | Who is more of a priority - husb. or children? |
I dont like this question. They are BOTH priority and each thing has its time and place. Obviously there are times when kids come first like bed time, dinner, etc when they need your attention... there are plenty of other times when husband comes first... wehn he comes home from work, when parents are eating dinner together (a nice things for kids to see  ) when "" mommy is talking to tatty and noone can disturb" (which is a good lesson for kids to learn anyway....) IT shouldnt be "who comes first" it should be... How can I make my husband and chilren feel special every day?
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imanut
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Sun, Mar 26 2006, 9:53 pm
MY priority is my husband but OUR priority are our children.
(my husband's answer to this question)
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happymom
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Sun, Mar 26 2006, 10:37 pm
| Quote: | MY priority is my husband but OUR priority are our children.
(my husband's answer to this question) | 
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zissy2004
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Mon, Apr 24 2006, 8:07 am
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I didnt read the replies but this is something we dont agree on, I say my dh is my priority and he says the children come first.
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Flowerchild
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Sun, May 14 2006, 10:43 am
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imanut and stem I agree with you. in my personal view and feelings my husband comes first my relationship with him comes first, he is my life partner and I am his our children are our priority in that their needs come first because they need us to help them grow and mature and live life but our relationship and our commitment and love comes first.
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Ruchel
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 11:50 am
A few things I have noticed about talking to many different people about parenthood.
- the older generation is more likely to tell you children should be the priority
- those who say children is priority tend to think you need to be a perfect parent and make no mistake, while those who say "spouse" think you need to be good and make as few mistakes as possible
- those who say children tend to have less children, because they have a lot more work and (self imposed) pressure, they feel they couldn't be as perfect with a large family
- those who say children tend to think of children as a huge responsability and something that prevents you from "doing what you want", so they tend to have children older, and then stop going out, "acting young", while those who say "spouse" go out (with their kids or leave them at a baby sitter) more, and prefer focusing on the things they can do to enjoy their children, not on the responsability
voila 
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justanothermother
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:00 pm
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I like this old thread. Reminds me of a conversation I forced DH to have with me once. If he could only save me or the children from a life threatening situation CV"S, who would he choose?
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Garden
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:10 pm
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DH definitely has priority. I once heard a speech about shalom bayis and he said that Husband always comes first. Sometimes it's hard in principle but that's what I hold.
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bigdeal
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:21 pm
HUSBAND _ ALWAYS!!!!!
and then as a team- your children are a priority.
Kids need to know that their father comes first to you, and you come first to him- they will feel secure knowing Mommy and Totty ( ima, aba, mom, dad) love each other, and respect each other. That is the best gift you can give your children, A sense of security Mom and dad are each othere's number ones- ahhhhhh!
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Maya
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:22 pm
| justanothermother wrote: | | I like this old thread. Reminds me of a conversation I forced DH to have with me once. If he could only save me or the children from a life threatening situation CV"S, who would he choose? |
Poor guy. So what did he say? 
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chaimsmom
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:23 pm
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A friend of mine who is a social worker always advises her clients "You can't let children come between you and your spouse."
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amother
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:27 pm
| justanothermother wrote: | | I like this old thread. Reminds me of a conversation I forced DH to have with me once. If he could only save me or the children from a life threatening situation CV"S, who would he choose? | Mine would probably grab one of the kids in one arm, and his Mephistos (shoes) in the other. He loves those shoes, and they've discontinued that style.
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bigdeal
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:30 pm
HUSBAND _ ALWAYS!!!!!
and then as a team- your children are a priority.
Kids need to know that their father comes first to you, and you come first to him- they will feel secure knowing Mommy and Totty ( ima, aba, mom, dad) love each other, and respect each other. That is the best gift you can give your children, A sense of security Mom and dad are each othere's number ones- ahhhhhh!
I repeat
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GetReal
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:40 pm
This question has bothered me since I read the book "My Special Brother" a few months ago. The mother of a child with DS is talking to another mother of a girl with DS whose husband wanted to put the girl in an institution. The author writes "in her opinion, a child must not be sacrificed for one's husband, no matter what the consequences... A woman can have another husband, but a child has but one mother."
That part really bothered me, and still does. B"H, we don't have to choose between giving up a child and a divorce. But her point is a strong one, whether or not we agree with it. I don't know what my choice would be in an absolute situation Chas v'shalom. In regular life, I think we all look for a balance...each day, each situation has a different priority.
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Beauty and the Beast
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Fri, Feb 22 2008, 12:49 pm
the question that is posed asks
who is MORE of a priority?? husb or children.
why is there the word more?? both are priority, and both have to see that.
the scale will always be tipping one way or another, but eventually will balance out, if the right stuff is being put in it.
with my dh, he sees me doing for him. he sees me trying to make him happy. with him seeing my efforts, he is content, and knows he has a wife who takes care of him.
one of the things he wants his wife to do is to make sure thier children are well taken care of. HE wants thier children to be a priority too.
he puts them before himself. its a whole cycle. but bh everyone gets well taken care of, and the love is felt.
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mimivan
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Sat, Feb 23 2008, 5:10 pm
I learned as a kallah and recently in a shalom bayis class that the husband is the top of the list. This kind of surprised me at first, but I think secular marriages are much more"child centered" (meaning the child is a priority before the spouse) and look at the divorce rate. Meaning, as was said above, if the children do not see a strong foundation and a solid marriage, then things will fall apart.
Men need attention and need to feel they are respected. I like Southern Bubby's comment that there should always be some kind of food for when the man comes home. Yes, he can help himself, but as women it is our special mitzvah to serve our husbands food (and to make the bed etc..) I had a situation tonight when I was tired and asked dh to heat up something himself. Something happened with the oven and it led to some mutual irritation. If I would have expended a bit more energy to do the mitzvah of bringing dh food, then that would not have happened. (I know we are human, but I can't help seeing the hasgocha protis in this)
Of course, nursing a baby should come first...but a child who is not a newborn can wait about five minutes. I think it also depends on the nature of the marriage and the husband. If a man is very traditional, a woman can't just pick and choose her priorities or tell him to make his own dinner (at least if she wants shalom) Men who are more "modern" in outlook might need less maintenance)
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happymom
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Sat, Feb 23 2008, 7:24 pm
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both, but a husband needs to feel they are # one priority in thier wifes life. they are both just in diff ways. its imp for kids to see the relationship bet husband and wife and that that is the most imp then any other... I dont think u can really compare they are totally different.
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MahPitom
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Sat, Feb 23 2008, 8:26 pm
| amother wrote: | Husband's can be replaced - children can't.  |
Amother, my feelings get a lot stronger. I know this is controversial but I’ll say this blatantly. I have a blood connection to my children, not to my dh. And when you leave this world, you leave behind generations, etc…. I’m not saying this in an ugly way, as in ‘using dh as a tool’ I’m just answering the original question, to my opinion. There is no real answer, it’s only an emotion.
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amother
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Sat, Feb 23 2008, 8:32 pm
| happymom wrote: | | both, but a husband needs to feel they are # one priority in thier wifes life. they are both just in diff ways. its imp for kids to see the relationship bet husband and wife and that that is the most imp then any other... I dont think u can really compare they are totally different. |
and how about a wife being number one in the dh life?
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