I GIVE UP | Imamother

greenfire

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:21 am

she won't get out of bed again - even when school counselor came to get her for tests this morning - very frustrating - it exhausts me waking her up and dealing with her mood - it drains the blood from my life source ... too tired ......I GIVE UP!!!!

gryp

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:28 am

greenfire, I would probably do the same as you, but I don't think you should be trying to wake her up. of course you're exhausted. anyone would be.

Is there another option to take your place? Like an alarm clock ringing nonstop from across the room where you can't hit snooze from bed?

Sorry for the bad start to your day. Hopefully it will get better from here.

Last edited by gryp on Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:29 am; edited 1 time in total

lotte

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:29 am

Don't give up green!
Talk to Hashem,cry to him, ask him & believe in your heart that only him-up there can help you & save you -and you will see the light!
My heart is with you!

greenfire

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:31 am

if I see the light - it just might be the train heading straight for ME!!!

Mishie

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:37 am

Green - I'm so sorry! teenagers can be a real pain! One day she'll look back and feel really bad about the way she behaved. The good news - it doesn't last forever! hopefully by her it will go by really quickly!

BTW, that alarm-clock idea is a great one!

southernbubby

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 9:43 am

I knew a woman in that situation. She cooperated with the truancy officials and if her kids would not get out of bed they got a little visit from someone with more clout. It only works until the child is legally allowed to quit school.

chocolate moose

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 10:03 am

What does her father think? Or the courts?

I have told my kids a time or two that they have to play by the rules or we can't "keep them" - not so much now, they're over 18, but as younger . . .

Mevater

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 10:09 am

Is living with her father an option? Maybe he ought to have his turn dealing with her.

shanie5

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 10:35 am

teneleven wrote:

Don't give up green!
Talk to Hashem,cry to him, ask him & believe in your heart that only him-up there can help you & save you -and you will see the light!
My heart is with you!

I have to agree w/ 10/11 on this one. sometimes that is the only thing that keeps me going!!

wish I had some other advice green, sorry for what you are going thru.

bigmomma

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 11:24 am

Greenfire:
Read Love and Logic for teenagers.
She is responsible for getting up or not. It's her problem. Let her suffer her own consequences. Unless she has other problems, letting a teenager own their own behavior and take the natural consequences of it, is the best teacher.
Good luck. Been there!!!

ssbarnes

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 11:45 am

GF,

Is everything a battle or is it just gettin her up & out in the morning.

withhumor

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 11:55 am

I wonder what would happen if you ignore..?

greenfire

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:01 pm

Everything is not so simple and yes there are truant officers - probation officers - therapists - neurologists - and ME - her father can't deal with her (she's just like him), etc. ... oh and she is the one I found hanging in the attic and had a friend shoot himself in the head ... so .... let's just say anything I do scares me ... of what may come ...

su7kids

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:10 pm

Is she on anti depressants? Maybe they need tweaking?

Oy, this is a tough situation for you. My best hugs and davening for you.

JRKmommy

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:19 pm

((Hugs)) I know this is a chronic problem.

Is there anything at all that motivates her? Any goals or dreams that she has? Anything that she enjoys doing?

My fear, from your posts, is that the answer may be no.

You're doing the right thing by refusing to simply let her stay in bed all day. However, on a longer term basis, she'll need to become self-motivated. Right now, her "role" seems to be slacker/bad girl. The challenge will be to find something positive that she can be interested in and aspire to.

You may have already tried this - but have you ever done a calm exercise where she tries to make future plans? I remember in grade 8, a teacher gave us this scenario: We had to imagine that we were 19, and finished high school. We then had to look in the want ads for jobs that we'd be able to do, look in the paper for housing that we'd be able to afford, and create a budget for our imaginary life. If she is able to focus on doing some of this research and planning herself, the SHE'S the one teaching herself a lesson, and she's not just listening to you preaching to her. She may also get inspired by hearing stories from others (and there are LOTS of others) who managed to get their lives together after going through a rough patch, esp. in adolescence. If someone who has been there, done that, and managed to overcome everything can act as a mentor to her, she may actually relate because they will have credibility with her. At this point, I doubt that she relates to the idea of succeeding by just being a perfect student, always being a good girl, and either getting a nice job or getting married to a nice guy - that just wouldn't jive with her image of herself. Obviously, she really needs a lot of the professionals in her life - but at some level, I also wonder if everyone and everything sort of reinforces her image of herself as a "bad girl/depressed girl with issues". Ordinary people who have turned their lives around may have a different relationship with her - they aren't try to fix or treat her, but would relate on a more personal level.

If she is "just like her father" - how does he cope with life? Some basic personality traits won't change, but the way that she deals with them can.

Good luck.

greenfire

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:25 pm

all I keep thinking if all the professionals don't have a clue - what the hell am I supposed to do ... yes everyone who knows her sees her brilliance and artistic uniqueness ... and when she finally started going to school I think she too felt good about herself ... but then came health where they spoke of suicide ... then came panic attacks ... then came I can't finish report ... slacking ... back in bed ... angry fits ... and the cycle starts again ...

amother

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:30 pm

is there a situation where she could be sent to some sort of halfway house to live?
im concerned for you, greeny.
my heart hurts for you. I will keep you in mind.
can you post the kids names for tefilot for davening for refuat hanefesh etc?

greenfire

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:31 pm

gryp

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 12:55 pm

Quote:

Obviously, she really needs a lot of the professionals in her life - but at some level, I also wonder if everyone and everything sort of reinforces her image of herself as a "bad girl/depressed girl with issues". Ordinary people who have turned their lives around may have a different relationship with her - they aren't try to fix or treat her, but would relate on a more personal level.

along these lines (of what JRKMommy wrote), have you been in touch with a suicide task force where you live? maybe they can help you stabilize her situation somewhat by talking to her, introducing her to people who have been there done that, etc.

if I'm way off base, greenfire, feel free to Banging head

bigmomma

Wed, Mar 14 2007, 1:15 pm

My son was like that.
It sounds like your daughter might need an alternative school.
My son is now in one of the Lubavitch vocational high schools (half day learning, half day real hands on at a vocational school) and is doing amazing!! You don't want to know where I'd thought he'd end up.
HANG IN THERE!! GIVING UP IS NOT AN OPTION!!!