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Migraine-wanted to cancel guests but DH said no



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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 12:28 pm
Last Thursday I had a nasty migraine that was bad enough that I couldnt move an inch without getting nauseous. It was over by 10:30PM, but it left me feeling drained. My husband had not been home that afternoon, so my 9 year old made 'dinner' for himself and his sister, got them showered and into bed- you can imagine how much of a mess was left!

I wanted to cancel our Shabbos guests since I didnt want the pressure of having to cook and clean- I also work out of the house so would not be home until 2:30 Friday afternoon. I know they'd be fine with it because 1) the mother already knew about my migraine- it had come on at my sons soccer game and she was one of the parents who volunteered to drive him home after so I could go home right away. She is the type to be very understanding 2) they are not Shomer Shabbos-so being without a Shabbos meal with one day(a little less) warning is no big deal for them.

DH insisted that he would do all the work- I wouldnt have to worry. He had a light day on Friday (he makes his own schedule) Well, it turns out he spent 2 hours doing a 'good deed' that he didnt need to be there for, or could have been done a different day. He was so proud of himself even though it set him behind and he didnt get home to start getting read for Shabbos until after 1:30.

We went into Shabbos rushing and hectic-I wasnt even showered when the guests arrived. The bathroom and kitchen floors were a mess and I forgot to make some things we needed for dinner. Plus, I was wiped out.

I felt really mad that he did this to me again. He is always promising to be somewhere to do something and then -oops, hes running late, but it's not his fault this time, really. It was the traffic, the client, the weather, the job site, the car, the polka-dotted flying bunnies! He always apologizes, but I am always the one left rushing around to fix the mess that is left- and ending up in pain from it too (I have back issue).

What should I do?
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 1:06 pm
I think you have to learn to say no. You know that he is not responsible at these type of jobs so just say no. You can't have guests and don't agree to his promises. I doesn't help to complain if you are the one who agreed to the plan. Just say no.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 1:16 pm
wow ur DH sounds like mine! there is always an excuse! he is always promising to help more... but... then comes all the excuses u could imagine! it is so frustrating! and when I dare say anything he gets all upset saying how hes trying.... I feel ur frustation OP! I wish I had advice for both of us!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 2:18 pm
First of all, I am amazed that your DH even tried to make Shabbos! That's more than most men would do.

Next time it comes up, you have some choices. Ask for a cleaning lady to come in, lower your standards, or tell DH that it isn't about the food, the problem is that you really don't feel well and you can't handle the company right now.

DH saw the problem as "need food", so he fixed food. Not to your standards, but he did it. Most men don't see the need to clean, and they don't see the dirt we do. You could call around and see if any of your friends could spare their cleaner for an hour to do a quick mop and sweep, or you could just hope that your friends aren't the picky type.

If you are really wiped out from a migraine (BTDT), then you need to say so. With me, the 2 or 3 days after a migraine I am walking on eggshells, needing as little sensory input as possible so it won't get triggered again and come back 3x as bad. If that's the case, you need DH to understand that you physically can't handle having guests over, even if the house was spotless and there was a banquet laid out.

Feel better soon!
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smss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 2:25 pm
I'm so sorry OP Sad
I just had a migraine just like that....I can totally sympathize with how out of commission it makes you.
I agree with FF, I think next time you just have to either be firm, or find other people to rely on (cleaning help etc)
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 22 2013, 2:38 pm
Have your neurologist, or an older migrainer, talk to your husband and tell him migraines aren't head aches...
And JUST SAY NO. Stay in bed. For real.
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