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My 16 year old son came home with an eyebrow piercing help!
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 8:52 pm
I cannot breathe and feel like I am going to faint. He decided that he had some money and that is what he is going to do. It is hideous and we are just beside ourselves. We sat with him and talked to him and he said that we each have different tastes and he really likes it. He is also a child with challenges LD, ADHD, OCD, oppositional... so it is not like a child without challenges where you can discuss and they can agree.

We explained to him that he has low self esteem and he thinks this will make him cool and stand out and that is why he probably did it. (He did ask me why I was crying that I should not take it so hard...)

Would love to hear any suggestions on what can I do.
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octopus









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:01 pm
You must be going through a lot and you have to forgive me for saying this but I think you made a boo-boo. I think your ds wanted a reaction from you and you gave it to him.

I'm sure you said it because you were in a state of shock, and we all say things we shouldn't say, but the "hey, you have a low self esteem that's why you did xyz," wasn't nice to say at all, may or may not be true, but is imho a destructive thing to say.

I probably would overeact if this was my kid, too, and say things I shouldn't, but because I'm objective to the situation I can give you a neutral take on it. I'm really sorry if this post causes you hurt.
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:07 pm
Thanks octupus for responding. I hear what you are saying but I did not fully explain what I wrote. WE told him his good qualities and were having a discussion with him and then explained why he might have done it. Cuz when someone doesn't feel good about themselves that is what they might to. We wanted him to also understand why he might have done it because I am not sure he knows. But thank you for your comment.
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:11 pm
Hugs.
I have no advice, but I can understand your pain.
More hugs.
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octopus









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:12 pm
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hug
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:16 pm
Thank you.!!! It is so hard and as parents we are always judged. We put so much koach into him and tefalosleepless nights. Please keep us in your tefilot. I think that is what we can do now. Help these boys find the right derech...
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the world's best mom









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:17 pm
The only thing that comes to mind is to speak to R' Yaakov Horowitz from Project YES or someone like him. There are amazing people out there who can really work wonders with difficult teens.

Hug

I should add my usual line that I've posted many times before: When child deserves a hug the least, that's when he needs it the most. Maybe you need to show him more love? Spend enjoyable time with him? It will not hurt, that's for sure.
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:18 pm
Puke Puke op here and that is what I am feeling. Thanks for listening...
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amother






Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:23 pm
the world's best mom wrote:
The only thing that comes to mind is to speak to R' Yaakov Horowitz from Project YES or someone like him. There are amazing people out there who can really work wonders with difficult teens.

Hug

I should add my usual line that I've posted many times before: When child deserves a hug the least, that's when he needs it the most. Maybe you need to show him more love? Spend enjoyable time with him? It will not hurt, that's for sure.


Thank you and we do. We really try to do everything. Interesting, I sat at another child's parent teacher meeting and that child b"h is easier and does well in school and I spend less time with the other child because this child needs sooo much attention. When I sat with the teacher, she said all wonderful things and of course she is wonderful because she has such wonderful parents who put all their efforts into raising such a beautiful child. I burst out crying and could not stop... Yes it was nice to hear, but also realizing how all the kochos really go to the very challenging child.... Sigh.......
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greenfire









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 9:25 pm
you have to react as if it's no different than any other clothing article ... different than your typical black pants & white shirt ... but it's just an outer garb ...

do NOT let it define his personality to you

he needs you more than ever now while he's figuring out who he is ...

remind him always how much you love him ~ unconditional love goes a long way

[as a side note - it's illegal for anybody to be pierced without the consent of a parent when under 18 years of age]
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zaq









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 10:28 pm
Let's have a little bit of perspective here:

He didn't break any laws.
He did something stupid, but if he went to a reputable place that takes precautions, he didn't do anything dangerous.
It's not a tattoo and doesn't have the halachic implications of a tattoo.
It's not permanent or irreversible.
The hole may or may not remain forever, but the stud or ring or whatever it is can be taken out.
It can be taken out temporarily, as when visiting Grandma, and eventually it can be taken out forever, when ds gets tired of the hardware or what it symbolizes.

You are horrified because you associate piercings with the lowest and most objectionable strata of society. Because it says to you "I want to be part of the murky subculture of gangs, drugs, s*x, and violence."

It's possible that he did this just to annoy you, and it's equally possible that he just thinks it's cool. There's no accounting for taste.

Is your ds school in a neighborhood with a lot of tough characters? Because sometimes a mild kid will have to dress and act like a thug as protective coloration. If you go to school in Dodge City and dress like one of the Bobbsey Twins, the natives will mop up the floor with you. You have to dress like a desperado so the desperadoes are less likely to mess with you.
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Kfar









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 10:49 pm
I'm sorry OP, but in the scheme of things that a difficult, oppositional teenage boy with issues could do to rebel, this seems pretty mild. Are you worried that your reputation in your community is now compromised? Also, I'm not sure this shows "low self esteem" -- teenagers always make fashion statements this way (as outlandish as their parents always think they are). And as Zaq said, it is not a tatoo and by removing the ring, the piercing will close. I'm sure you are otherwise exhausted, but try to get ahold of yourself and see this with a bit of perspective. Ignore it -- may be the best thing for both of you!
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naomi2









  


Post  Thu, Nov 21 2013, 10:54 pm
Hug him.
talk to him.
listen to him.
spend time with him.
ask him about his day and feelings with interest.
daven.
you are not really in control of him anymore. just be there for him because before long he'll need someone to be there for him and you want to be that someone.
the positive side is that a piercing in itself is harmless-he is exploring a harmless outlet to assert himself.
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amother






Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 12:31 am
Hug

My DS also did this and was also a very challenging child. To be honest, he had already done worse. I was grateful that he refrained from getting tattoos. Of course it's upsetting, especially as it's within the context of his other behavioral difficulties. Painful as it is, don't continue to make a big deal of it.

A few years later, he took it out, but still wears an earring, which he removes when he visits his grandfather.

Everything Zaq said is spot on.
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Isramom8









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 2:09 am
A piercing? Ignore it completely. He's just experimenting with personal style. Pretend it's a pimple and don't mention it at all.
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blini









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 2:59 am
Isramom8 wrote:
A piercing? Ignore it completely. He's just experimenting with personal style. Pretend it's a pimple and don't mention it at all.


Totally agree! Ignore it. My brother did something just like this and my mother didn't give him the time of day. Guess what? He started dating. His future wife hated it. Gone the next day. Hole healed and no one can tell now.
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FranticFrummie









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 3:15 am
Do you have your ears pierced? How's your self esteem? Rivka Imenu had her nose pierced, and she still got a good shidduch!

There's a very good chance that what DS's piercing means to you, and what it means to him, are two entirely different things. To you, he's sunk to the depths of depravity. To him, he looks cool and fashionable.

Like others have said, it's temporary. Eyebrow piercings are notorious for closing up on their own the second you take the jewelry out.

I assume you DS is not in Yeshiva. Is that because of his learning issues? If he is in Yeshiva, what does his rebbe think?

Calm down, apologize to him for over reacting, and drop the subject - but stay open for non-hysterical dialog. You don't want him to become afraid to come to you when he needs to talk, and if he thinks you'll freak out, he'll keep things from you in the future.
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 10:32 am
FranticFrummie wrote:


I assume you DS is not in Yeshiva. Is that because of his learning issues? If he is in Yeshiva, what does his rebbe think?

Calm down, apologize to him for over reacting, and drop the subject - but stay open for non-hysterical dialog. You don't want him to become afraid to come to you when he needs to talk, and if he thinks you'll freak out, he'll keep things from you in the future.


If a child who'd been mainstream and typical all along did this, that would be one thing. (Let me say that I fully get your gut reaction still.) But he didn't go from a to this kind of b in a vacuum. I think that you will get tremendous support and insight here to augment what I hope you have IRL. If you don't have this IRL please get it.

I just want to say that I know a family who had a son who wasn't OTD but took a little detour. That family was the hub. They were the place that all the kids were comfortable at, they were the anchor. (Actually I know of more than one family that fits this description but right now I'm thinking of one.) As Zaq said, this might not be what you'd hoped he'd accomplish this week but it's not illegal. Don't jump to conclusions as to the statement, let it work its way out with time. Try to focus on his strengths and sweetness, and if he hasn't been so sweet lately maybe try to find opportunities for him to give back (easy on an erev Shabbos Very Happy ) and endorse him for that, so he carries the message that you see the best parts of him and value them. Hatzlacha!
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black sheep









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 12:26 pm
I am no fan of our POTUS, but in all his years of speaking lies and manipulation, you have to figure that he understands the rebellious teenager. he said one very smart thing in his presidency, (and really, I mean only ONE): he told his daughters that if they get any piercings or tatoos, he will go get the exact same tatoos or piercings and put pictures of it online. and their mother will too.

the idea is, instead of preaching and punishing to get what you want, which eventually doesn't work, say, okay, I'll join you in whatever you do. an eyebrow piercing isn't as cool to a teenage boy if his mother has the exact same one!
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Fri, Nov 22 2013, 1:31 pm
Not sure if I'm speaking for anyone else but I think the president could pull it off a lot better than I would. And if you say something like this you better mean it Razz
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