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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 9:27 pm

First a little background:
We've been living in the same apartment since we're married. Our next door neighbors have not changed, they are a middle-aged hispanic couple (recently became granparents) who have had their share of "shalom bayis" issues since we've known them--we can hear them through our shared wall. From my dealings with them--albeit not much, he seems to be fairly pleasant and has even said "good Shabbos" to us. His wife gives me goosebumps whenever I see her, she's been rather curt with me and sometimes even rude. She has a history of locking her husband out.

We've been rather creative in our 1-bdrm apartment with 2 kids and have resorted using the hallway as a makeshift bedroom for one of our kids, and had to do that to sleep train one of our kids. One Shabbos afternoon when my baby was just not going to sleep we set him up over there and let him cry it out a little, figuring it's the middle of the day it won't bother anyone. At some point we heard a knock on the door. I answered the door, no one was there, but the husband told me the next day it was him--he thought that no one was home shock

I saw his wife later one who asked me if "my baby was ok" and she proceeded to tell me how her kids slept with her until they were in kindergarten and she never let them cry--my reaction, "whoopdi-do for you"--not working for me.

Anyway, last night my baby was having some stomach issue and was SCREAMING at 12:25a,m and wouldnt let me put him down I eventually put him down to get him a bottle and from our shared wall in our kitchen I hear a LOUD bang on the wall. I interpretted it to mean that they were annoyed at the screaming-- and I was liked Rolling Eyes

well thank you, like that will help.

What would you do?

EmesOrNT

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 10:01 pm

Bang back.

watergirl

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 10:40 pm

Wait - you put your kid out in the hallway of your own apartment, or in the hallway outside the apartment?

oliveoil

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 11:04 pm

The courteous thing to do in that situation is let the neighbors know in advance that you're sleep training.

And when your baby was screaming at 1am, you should have moved him to the far side of the apartment.

amother

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 11:09 pm

Op here. The hallway is inside our apartment. And last night he was not near the kitchen but I had to put him down to go get him bottle. We are not currently using the hallway as a bedroi. Both kids are in the living room

LiLIsraeli

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 11:31 pm

I might say something the next day - "I hope our baby didn't wake you up, he wasn't feeling well last night and wouldn't stop crying." You might open yourself up to receiving lots of unwarranted advice from them (her especially), but it's better than having them feel animosity towards you!

In the moment I would not bang back, just ignore it.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 2:03 am

I can empathize from both sides of the issue. Apartment living is really hard!

On one hand, DD had horrible colic and screamed all night long from 7:15pm to 5:45am every single night for almost 4 months straight. I was living in a house at the time, but I was sure that the people next door were going to call CPS on me at any moment.

If I had had ME for a neighbor, I'd have gone ballistic. I suffer terrible migraines, and when I need my sleep, I mean I NEED it. Noisy shared wall neighbors are my worst nightmare. It's tough to know exactly what to do in cases like that.

Is there some reason why you won't consider co sleeping when the baby is really upset and fussy? Will the baby take a paci yet? Maybe you could ask the neighbor lady for advice on how to settle a baby with an upset tummy. Play on her sympathy as much as possible.

Hug

ima_dina084

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 2:26 am

LiLIsraeli wrote:

I would also say, if I ran into them the next day, that the "..baby is sick and I hope tonight he will sleep better, I realize you can hear him screaming I apologize for the noise "

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2014, 11:20 pm

OP here, so things had improved and then at one point My younger son had a regression of sorts and the next time I saw my neighbor she told me "If you ever need help, you can ask me". I responded "thank you" --but thinking "Lady, you are the LAST person I would ask to help me with my kids and at the same time, Sure I'll bring him over at 2am, you can have him.

Then things calmed down, but last week he had another bout of night wakings and he woke up screaming, while trying to muster up the strength to go get him at 1:30am (I had gone to sleep at 11). I managed to get up, prepare a bottle and get him from the crib but he wouldn't take the bottle. I sat on the couch with him but he was wriggling out of my arms, when all of a sudden *BANG* on the wall.

What do they want from us? They only share a wall with us, but we aren't the only one's with little kids. What do they think they are accomplishing?--other than scaring us out of our wits! Ok, so in this case it seemed that my baby was having a night terror and it woke him up so that he was able to calm down. But I find it REALLY rude!

justcallmeima

Mon, Jan 27 2014, 11:31 pm

Since your original question was how would you respond, I would try co-sleeping with the baby. I did it with my younger two and I wish I had done it with all of them. I did it at first because |I was simply too exhausted to do anything else with a nursing infant. But I found I got so much more sleep, better quality sleep and I never ever had to get up in the middle of the night. I would try it.

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2014, 11:54 pm

justcallmeima wrote:

I agree. I would never never let a baby scream to sleep. I have a neighbor that lets her baby screams for a long time at night and I feel so bad for him.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:15 pm

OP here, So the simple answer I have been co-sleeping with him when he wakes up and NO I don't want him screaming, but co-sleeping with him is not a long term solution. For one it only works when I'm tahor and we can push our beds together , and also he moves around too much, sometimes he MUST cuddle which is uncomfortable for me , and then he tosses and turns and it wakes me or DH up. Last night he started crawling/rolling toward the foot-edge of the bed in the middle of the night, had I not woke up he would have fallen off the bed (I have a child bedrail on my bed). Finally, if its just the 1.5 year old, it's not SUCH a big deal, but on occaision my 3year-old joins him, and once that happens and they are both awake NO ONE is getting much sleep, it becomes a slumber party.

Secondly, I'm annoyed at the double standard of my neighbors--between her kicking out her husband and their yippie dogs all day, I'm SORRY that my baby is screaming at night, but we have to get the message across to him that he needs to sleep in his own crib.

imasinger

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:22 pm

Maybe get your DH together with you and say, "I am so sorry when the baby cries at night and disturbs you. I want to make it get better, but your banging on the wall at night really upsets us. Could you please understand that I am trying really hard not to disturb you, but sometimes it happens?"

That way, at least they are aware that you are reacting.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:23 pm

One of them has anger issues, that is the bang. Anyone without a baby who is woken by one that is not in their house a number of times would most of the time be annoyed to some degree. They sound like they think you don't know what you are doing.

Either figure it out or offer to loan them a white noise machine until your baby feels better.

amother

Sun, Feb 02 2014, 11:29 pm

I still think its not allowed to lt a baby scream to sleep. It's just not fair. In the Hispanic culture people just don't do that.

amother

Wed, Feb 05 2014, 9:23 pm

Op here, thank you for the responses. I hardly ever see the wife, though I see the husband fairly often--especially when he's locked out.

But we are not TRYING to make him scream it out--we're TRYING to calm him down, but there have been times when he's been fast asleep and then we try transferring him to the crib and he's putting up a fight. So we've let him cry for a few minutes to see if he'll settle back down.

mummiedearest

Wed, Feb 05 2014, 10:26 pm

start banging on the wall when they fight?

honestly, I'd just ignore it.

manhattanmom

Wed, Feb 05 2014, 10:37 pm

just ignore it. I've been there.
We live in a VERY family friendly building--On my floor alone there are 13 kids under the age of 12. seriously. We are in a 2-bedroom apartment and our bedrooms (both ours and our kids' room) shares a wall with a family we don't know--as they are in a different building section (as in, we can't walk out into our hallway and access their door--we have to go outside and into another set of elevators.)
We moved in and never heard anything from them. One night, I had my 7 month old (this goes back a few years) in my bed, nursing on and off and SCREAMING in pain--we were doing everything we could, and at 9:00am we were at the pediatrician with a double ear infection! But at some point during that night there was some banging on the wall.
NEver heard from them again until about a year later, New YEar's Day--8:30 in the morning, there's a knock on my front door--open it up, a youngish man there, looking really embarrassed telling us that in all the years he lived in this apartment he never heard any noise but this morning at 6:45am, it was terrible, our kids were making noise (mind you I had a completely non-verbal 2 year old who was almost always silent and a few month old baby) and his girlfriend couldn't sleep, she had to move to the living room (which I don't think is tragic....he looked embarrassed as if he promised his girlfriend he would come talk to us but he really didn't want to. That time made me upset because in truth, they were NOT makig any noise at all. really. truly--I honestly think it was the apartment next to mine--or an apartment above or below them they were hearing through a steampipe of some sort.
Then, about a few months ago, my generally well-behaved children were up early and were talking loudly--they woke me up and I went in to yell at them...But these neighbors hit our wall for quite some time. so we've just made our kids agree that if they get up early in the mroning and want to play before 9:00, especially on a shabbos morning, they should move into the living room. And that's what we do.

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