help! feel like a horrible person sometimes

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Help! feel like a horrible person sometimes

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mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 12:29 pm

after reading comments some made about to many details, I decided to tske out many of them so in case anyone can fit pieces together and get who it is talking about.

Im usually very welcoming and love ppl over but I was an only child till few yrs ago and am used to less crowd while dh is from bigger extended family and loves having guests and all that. He understands I cant have so many people over now bc of school and with two small kids I can't imagine guests very often...however...there is a couple dh is friendly with bc he used to work with one of the spouses...not friendly like we go out, but, friendly like well have them over once in a blue moon and we went to their bday party...

So situation is that they asked to come over for shabbos a few weeks ago and dh was out of town so didnt work out, but now they asked for this fri night and happens to be mikvah comes out to this fri night and with a 1&2 yr old kids and my studying and shabbos and mikvah prep, im like No Way!! Another reason is I cannot tolerate many things they do, some personal things that ill leave out but I wasnt happy with what happened. They are great people and ive tried a couple of times to be friendly/become friends/keep in touch, but certain situation that happened just tuened me off

So dh is ok with them but knows I dont always see eye to eye with them,is it worth the fight not to have them over ever or just take it sometimes? bc its so rare they come on the other hand I feel bad saying no bc I need to ask ppl to come to them sometimes bc of my school load so I feel I should have ppl over if they ask...am I horrible for not likeing them and not wanna have them by me?

Last edited by mommyto3RN on Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:35 am; edited 3 times in total

amother

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 12:46 pm

Hey- I didn't follow your whole story but I get it about mikvah night. Especially with small children. I am not sure I can advise you but once I had a situation with a lot of guests on Mikvah night. It was a different time of year when Shabbos began later. I was really humiliated not to be wearing any makeup and to have to make up a story about why I had to leave the Shabbos table very late to check on a relative... I think it was 9 or 10 and I didn't want to have to walk there at midnight. I had a talk with my husband after that and we decided to mainly have guests for Saturday lunch. Of course we do make exceptions, but making plans a few days before ensures that there are no more snafus with the mikvah. I also find it difficult to serve the meal and change diapers and put kids to bed as they get tired on Friday night. I find it much easier to entertain guests while my children are awake for Saturday lunch. Hope this helps.

Abby2

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 12:49 pm

Think you might have to edit this post and add punctuation?

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 1:28 pm

Sorry I fixed most of the spelling and added punctuation where I thought was needed. I wrote jt on my phone so I make more mistakes on phone then computer.

MaBelleVie

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 1:33 pm

If you can't stand them you shouldn't feel obligated to have them over. They sound pretty immature from what you wrote. Meet up with them every once in a while, and let dh hang out with his friend without you. It doesn't have to be a couple thing.

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 1:39 pm

I dont wanna have them over but they ask!! Not so often and dh was coworkers with the wife so its a couple thing he doesnt hang out with her/ talk to her whatever, so its both of them wed have over or hang out with. Definitely they r immature in many aspects but I dont understand why dh wont just break ties with them bc he doesnt have an issue with them but I do, and he doesnt go out of his way to have them its just an issue when they ask us to come for a shabbos meal.

busydev

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 3:17 pm

do they at least invite you and not just invite themselves?
you dont owe them anything and if you cant have them then say so. just keep telling them this week wont work (no need to say why) and hopefully they will get the message.

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 3:37 pm

We did go to a bday party they invited us to but I have a 2 & 1 yr olds so I dont go for shabbos meals unless we go somewhere we sleep over...yeah this week I said no way and maybe they wont ask again I dunno...I just feel bad saying no to ppl sometines

imasinger

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 6:30 pm

You are right to say no on mikvah night. It is fine to make it a rule never to have guests on mikvah night (unless there are special circumstances).

Why don't you offer to have them for a weekday meal, where you can plead another appointment to keep it from dragging on too long?

In any case, anyone who repeatedly asks for an invitation deserves to be told no as often as you wish. Don't let yourself be too guilted.

Last edited by imasinger on Wed, Feb 12 2014, 6:19 am; edited 1 time in total

b from nj

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 6:55 pm

I personally have problems with "friends" who ask (I.e. impose) on their friends to have them over.

Why can't ppl. just wait until they are invited?

I don't have a problem with kids studying abroad who need to find places for shabbos that call & ask if they can come over but I feel it's much different for a couple or family to impose on their friends.

If you want to have them over, you will, when you call THEM to invite them. Otherwise, they can stay home. With friends like these....

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 7:01 pm

Honestly I personally like when ppl feel comfortable enough to ask to come I like it....but being in nursing school with 2 small kids I cant have ppl over now so often...I often have to ask to go to friends for shabbat whej im so overwhelmed with my course load, so I cant be hypocritical and say ppl cant do it to me....these ppl just bother me and not my dh so its hard.

imasinger

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 7:14 pm

I suggest the 1-10 scale when discussing with your DH. 1 is next to nothing, 10 is overpowering. What number would you assign your dislike of having them over? What number does your DH say is the strength of wanting them to come?

After you say no a few times, both your numbers may change. Be sure to reevaluate.

And comparing your requests asking for hospitality isn't totally even, unless you ask a person who said no to you every few weeks. If you have the seichel to take no for an answer, then your case is quite different.

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 8:04 pm

Uh every situation is different. ..but this couple the wife is preggers and in school too so I see why they wanna go out for a meal.
I get no for answers sometimes too but its bc the ppl either have a full house or not home for shabbos

imasinger

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 8:48 pm

How about if you offer to bring a meal to them sometime? Say, "I'm sorry it isn't convenient to hav you over, but here is a meal."

mommyto3RN

Tue, Feb 11 2014, 10:32 pm

That's a great idea thanks!! Dunno why I didn't think of it, whenever friends of ours can't have us over she always asks if she can make something.

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 12:08 am

Just a thought - are you sure she doesn't go on Imamother? You've given quite a few personal details so she would easily figure out that you are talking about her? I totally empathize with you and really do understand the dilemma. If it was me, I'd probably make a different excuse every time they asked and eventually they'd probably stop asking.

ima_dina084

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 12:18 am

amother wrote:

I second that. Its important on here to give over a story with enough details to get the message across but not enough or real details that those involved will know your speaking about them!
But to be DLKZ maybe OP did change all the details around . Anyway there's no question that with mikveh u just say u can't this week. And give in every once in a while if your DH really really wants them to come. gL

mommyto3RN

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:15 am

I did think about this...I dont think she goes on but ine never knows. After I posted I forgot to post anonymously and wasnt sure how to change that. On one hand I needed to vent on the other just had to make sure I wasnt completely wrong in not having ppl over. I dont wanna give excuses why not to have people but every time I gave an excuse it was legit. I actually asked dh next time he sees them to say I was upset about one particular situation tp confront them and give them a chance to apologize and understand thst it was not the right thing to do.

mommyto3RN

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:25 am

I took out a lot of details so the post is mor eor less vague and so there wont be an issue of anybody coming to know who is being talked about. Thank you for pointing that out to me!

strawberry cola

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 2:54 am

one of the most important issues here, I think is that you and your husband communicate constructively

everyone has a right to feel what he/she feels

and to express it respectfully, from a vantage point of "I feel."

and to say "what can we do to make this work out well for us both, our wonderful family unit?"

Hatzlacha!

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