How do you unspoil children?

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 10:36 am

I never thought I spoiled my children, but they've been acting like spoiled brats. There are ways they've been spoiled, but with minor things and I always tried to balance it out. How can I unspoil them? Is it even possible?

cbg

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 10:44 am

How old are they?
How do you spoil them?
It all depends on you. If you are willing to consistently set boundaries. NO means no, and you don't cave in. It's ok to give them treats, but just remember our luxuries become their necessities.

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 10:47 am

amother wrote:

Don't give into everything they want and ignore the tantrums ...they'll learn Very Happy

Isramom8

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 10:53 am

Start making things conditional so they learn not to expect it. Computer time only after homework, pay for your own extra nosh, etc.

I find that my kids need structure because too much just getting makes them cranky. On summer days when there is no day camp and we're not on a family trip, they have to daven and do homeschooling work before any unstructured fun. They're much calmer that way.

I also offer them extra jobs to earn money (aside from expected chores).

Chayalle

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 11:35 am

Don't confuse loving and spoiling.

I love books by Dr Twersky that discuss parenting. He says alot about his parents and their approach to Chinuch. They basically told their kids "You are fabulous. It behooves you to behave according to great standards, because you are great".

I try this with my kids. I love them, I tell them they are terrific, wonderful kids, and that Hashem loves them too. Kids like us, that Hashem loves...don't do certain things, because it's not appropriate for us.

So we have to behave with Derech Eretz, because nice people behave that way. We don't need everything there is out there, because we have inherent value (we don't need externals to make us valuable).

Build them up, rather than spoil them.

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:16 pm

cbg wrote:

They are elementary age, from top to bottom. They want pizza for supper, if it's no problem, I will give it to them. When they ask for something and it's not a problem, I would give it to them. The problem is b'h a lot of things are not a problem. I am consistent, mostly. I do not cave in!!!

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:17 pm

amother wrote:

Don't give into everything they want and ignore the tantrums ...they'll learn Very Happy

Been there, done that, but when should they get it through their heads. It seems like toddlers catch on faster with that concept. Rolling Eyes

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:21 pm

Isramom8 wrote:

Start making things conditional so they learn not to expect it. Computer time only after homework, pay for your own extra nosh, etc.

I also offer them extra jobs to earn money (aside from expected chores).

Like I wrote in a previous post, I say yes if it's not a problem, so it's hard for me to say no when there's no reason to. I do, very seldom, say no just because I don't want them to be spoiled, but I guess not enough. There aren't any jobs for them to do. My older ds stayed home while all the rest went out. I told him that if he cleans the whole house, I'll pay him. He didn't want the money. My two oldest, high school age, are b'h don't act so spoiled.

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:23 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I'm not really concerned that I spoil them because I really don't think I do, but they act like they are. I know the difference between loving and spoiling. I don't give to show my love, but I love, so I give.

cbg

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:24 pm

Explain when you say they are acting like spoiled brats.
Are they whining? Then nip it now, you only answer to speaking nicely.
Do they expect things automatically? Let them "work" for these things.
They need to be grateful that you are able to provide them with these things.
Do they help you out at home? Are they kind to each other?
My kids always helped out at home, cooking, cleaning, etc.
They need to learn things don't happen automatically.

amother

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:39 pm

cbg wrote:

I do tell them I'll listen when they're calm.
The younger ones have absolutely no patience!!
They are grateful sometimes, but the times they're not Twisted Evil

.
They help if asked and some help without being asked.
Are they kind to each other? Hmm, that's a hard one. Sometimes yes and sometimes no.

cbg

Wed, Feb 12 2014, 1:44 pm

If they can take no for an answer, and appreciate what they do have, then they are not spoiled.
I think you are doing a great job. Middos is what counts.