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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Please help me. I hate my child.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 1:51 pm
he has ADHD. he's on meds. he's explosive. he's 10 yrs old and he is violent. he has 3 boys younger than him and his explosiveness and defiance are affecting them. sometimes they really hurt each other physically. we're getting therapy. I'm spending tons of money between the therapist and the psychiatrist trying to figure things out for him.

I hate my life. I have 6 kids and my home life is miserable. everyone is always fighting and then there's the intense 10 yr old who is in a class all by himself. I don't know what to do, I feel totally helpless and miserable. every day is a challenge. just getting him out of bed is a challenge. he screams and rages at me.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. sometimes I feel like he needs to be in foster care, because his "family of origin" affects him so negatively. I feel like a failure as a parent.

I'm so miserable and sad. I became a BT 20 years ago and wanted to have a nice family. I gave my whole life up for frumkeit. I feel like G-d is punishing me by giving me this crazy family. I never asked for this. please help me with words of support. sometimes I feel like if I got a terminal disease, G-d forbid, I would welcome death because this life is so ridiculously painful and hard.
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ROFL




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 1:54 pm
Hugs
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black and white




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:30 pm
Op you must be in tremendous pain and distress. You probably don't mean what you wrote in a literal sense.
You don't really hate your child and you don't really wish for a deadly disease.
I dont want to minimize your pain and dont want to come off as patronizing.
I hear you and I send you loads of hugs.
It will get better, it will.
In the meantime it's very important that you are able to separate the behaviour from the child. I remember reading in this forum : The child who least deserves our love and hugs is the one that needs it most"
Very wise words.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:32 pm
Hug
Sounds like you are dealing with stressful challenges. I hope you can arrange for household help or other ways to take some of the everyday pressures off of you. I also hope you are able to treat yourself to something like massage or other venue to release stress and give yourself back some centering.
You are working with professionals to try to get the situation under control. Can you put the boys into some after school physical activities to release some of their pent up energy? Do they have personal space or are they in crowded bedrooms?
I am daavening that you find the strength to hang in and see great rewards and nachas in the future.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:43 pm
Hugs.

Ask the doctor is it would be ok to increase the dose of his meds.

More hugs.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:52 pm
Op I could have written your post. I feel the same way about my dc. There are many days when I wish I could give him over to someone. When he's not home my house is actually peaceful.
Good luck Sad
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 2:55 pm
Omg omg omg I wrote this this is me. I have 5 boys can't deal with the younger 2 hate them so much. Love my life love my job love my house my neighborhood my friends the second I walk in this house the fear and dread of my kids. I want to die so badly it is my wish. I had a mammogram last week and prayed that I would have cancer tried therapy for years. Trying to get meds into 1 of the more explosive dangerous one. Where are you? Can we talk?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 3:13 pm
I can also relate to you

I have this as well
we sent him away for about a year and he was only home weekends and it was great

I felt that we could function as a family
now he is back home -b'h things have improved but it's very difficult

I love him but I get so frustrated by many things he does and the fact that I live a very stressful life with him around.
It helps me to remember hashem gave me this child and I can deal with it
without question he is harder then 40 children and anyone not dealing with a child like this would not believe me

he leaves and my other 6 are so much easier to take care of.
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 3:16 pm
sending big hugs to all of you. I wish there was something I could do to help make things better. Hope you all find the right peoples in your life that can help you deal with your difficult situations.
Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 3:31 pm
I don't have too much time since Im at my pediatrician.

As a mother of an ADHD child I feel the same way. I since learnt to view it as his behavior and not him.

YOU DON'T HATE YOUR CHILD, YOU HATE HIS BEHAVIOR!

hugs!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 3:51 pm
Where did you send him away to? Where can I send my 7 year old to? Like tonite? Can't deal with defiant behavior all he says is: take me to a foster home I want to go
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 3:53 pm
Also the hatred comes in when this child has taken everything away from you. My marriage is in shambles my relationship with the in law family is fractured, feel like wearing a paper bag when waking into the yeshiva
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 4:03 pm
I have spent years dealing with a child like this. the stress can be agonizing. and only someone who has been there with a child like you describe can understand how this one child can effect the whole dynamic of the house when they are present. I can honestly say the thing that has helped me most is getting therapy for myself to deal with it. It's very hard to have a young child "work on them selves. yes they need intervention and mediine if it's helping, but YOU need the most support. I once asked a very well known rebbetzin how to deal with my feeling of negativity towards my child. She confided in me that she also felt this way about one of her children She told me 3 things to do (two I definitely remember the third I will try to..)
1) keep a baby picture of them around so you can look at it through out the day.
2)look at them when they are sleeping.
3) not sure of this... but do something for them everyday just because you love them and tell them its just because I love you. (this might be from simi yellen) but the first 2 are definitely from this rebbetzin.
Hatzlacha! turn you negative prayer for death into a prayer for shalom and manuchas nefesh for your child.
hugs to you and your difficult child.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 4:12 pm
Wow. This makes me so sad... I am so scared that this will be me in 2-3 years...

DS is 7 and is explosive too. Despite being on meds (which has made life considerably better, but still nowhere near acceptable) he is still a walking terror. He gets in trouble at home and his little brothers fear/adore him to the point that everyone is aggressive and loud (more then what's normal) He's terrorized his sisters to the point they don't want to have anything to do with him. He has ONE friend in school who has stuck by him for a few years, despite the fact that he has also been my son's victim on more than one occasion....

Dh doesn't know how to deal with him so he just explodes. (which just reinforces the behavior... I know... Try telling that to him...) Dh is not the exploding type... Just around our son he loses it... Which stresses our marriage as well...

Right now he's only 7. A 7 year old who hits his mother is very disruptive to a home, but I am PETRIFIED of a 17 year old who will hit his parents will do to this house...

I am so scared for the future...

I don't hate my son... But sometimes I do resent him...
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 5:24 pm
dear everyone: I am the OP. it gives me a sad measure of comfort to hear that others have this nisayon, that I am not alone...because I feel so alone! I am jealous of my neighbor across the street who has only girls, who doesn't have a violent and explosive child riling up other boys in the house.

for those of you who said, "you hate the behavior, not the child," you are correct. I love my son. when he is not angry or out of control, he is a very deep and thoughtful person. often I am amazed at the deep and sensitive things he says when he is calm. he has been explosive for years though, and it is very, very hard. every day is a struggle.

my family also runs better when he's not around. I think it would be good for everyone, when he is older, to send him away to yeshiva, if that is possible.

thank you for your words. to the "amother" who said "where are you," and how we can be intouch, I really don't know how we can be in touch as "amother!" but I am here an I am sending you - ALL OF YOU - a hug and a prayer. thank you for "listening." I will be returning to this thread to read it when I feel in despair, to remember I am not alone.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 7:09 pm
We have a kid like that, but we're managing well, most of the time. He's almost 13, it took probably 3-4 years working on this.

1. Get very specific parenting help. Read all the books, listen to lectures, if nothing works have a parenting coach come into your home and show you exactly what to do.

2. Be very very strict as well as very loving. You will need to give immediate consequences and follow through. We use a strikes system (also called ticket system). There are three behaviors I don't allow: disrespect, disobedience, and whining. He has three free chances per day. The fourth time he loses dessert, the fifth is computer/screen/phone and the 6th is grounding for the rest of the day.

The above was VERY difficult to implement, but it works so well now. I can now calmly: "This is a direction. Go to your room and stay there for 25 minutes. If you don't, the next strike is your dessert and after that your screen time." and it actually happens. He mumbles and grumbles under his breath, says this is so stupid, but then he leaves and goes to his room. Or "This is a direction. Do not talk to or about your sister for the next two hours. If you don't, the next strike is your computer time." And he will grumble but walk away.

3. Anger Management : He will probably need very specific anger-management therapy as well as something in school.

4. Reframe: Don't frame this situation the way you did in your post (God's punishment, disease, crazy, foster care), even if you feel that way. Keep telling yourself that this child is a just a high-maintenance kid and that you are doing your best providing that high maintenance. Minimize the problem as much as possible in your own mind and you will become overwhelmed less quickly.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 7:37 pm
I can relate 1000%! I am sorry I am also amother but I feel this is too private and lashon hara on my son if I am not anonymous.

I really wish I could also have someone IRL who is going through a similar situation to talk to about this. My children have been the biggest blessing and I do love them but the day to day survival is so difficult and some days I want out. I fantasize about leaving and starting over a new life sometimes and I realize that is not what I want either. I don't want to give up on my kids, I just want to be the mother I thought I would be. An insanely proud mother who did a great job. Who said the right things, who never yelled and screamed. I thought that if you try your hardest, your kids would turn out great. I think that is what upsets me most, that somehow I didn't do a good enough job and I deserve kids that embarass me all of the time with explosive behavior. I have had lots of professionals and friends tell me I am doing an amazing job and my kids would never have turned out as well as they did without all of my and dh's love and devotion, but deep inside, I just can't accept it. I also feel like a failure.

We are planning a bar mitzvah soon for my son and I am so stuck right now. I need chizuk badly because I just can't do all of this work just to dread the day when it arrives. I am so ashamed of his violence and bad behavior and feel like he is just not the bar mitzvah boy I imagined. He may read the parsha well (we'll see) and I would be proud of him for that but what about a little speech where the parents say how wonderful he is. Sure, he has certain great qualities and I could focus on that but I just want to feel sincere about it and I can't. Not when he has no friends, his school has had enough of him and he is very "off" socially and I am constantly awkward around others when he is around because he acts very immaturely and weird. I love him but not all parts of him and I wish I could accept all of him. I am working so hard at it. I know he wants friends. I know he wants to feel normal. There are certain language disorders and neurological issues that cause him to act this way but I can't accept that either. I am almost jealous of a mother with a kid that looks disabled and therefore no one expects the perfect son and accepts him for what he is. I feel my kid looks average enough but once someone new is around him a few minutes, they see right away something is off and either I have to explain things (none of their business but it makes me feel justified that it isn't my upbringing) or pretend nothing is wrong and I love him with all his shortcomings.

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, he is my kid, Hashem entrusted me with him, and there is no reason not to accept him completely but again and again, I am telling myself this and it is not sincere. I don't see anyone else I know struggling with this so it is hard. All the other bar mitzvahs I go to are for wonderful kids with lots of charm and great behavior, full of friends and family that are so happy to be there. How can I face this with a sincere happy heart? I don't have the koach to keep faking it. I keep thinking we made it to this stage but is there hope for the future? Can this kid get married, raise a healthy famliy with these issues? What if he never improves? I don't want him living at home with me until he is middle aged.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 7:52 pm
you might have quite an explosive child ... you might not even like him ... but 'hate' is such a harsh word to use

stop threatening foster care - you're only creating more animosity from him to you ... especially if that's a path you will seriously need to go on one day ...

many children are more than difficult - including girls - so don't think if he was a girl life would be easier ... it's a personality mixed with mental health issues

to wish you had cancer when there are people suffering & even dying from cancer is an insult to those who are ill or their memories ... just say you want to die or kill yourself & call a spade a spade

now that all that is out of the way ... you need to call in the troops from therapists, to medicines, to people who can help give you a respite ... get him a 'big brother' - he needs an outlet to let out his aggressions so your family can be safe

take 'me' time for yourself to recharge ~
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 8:11 pm
Marina gave great advice.

Just like our kids overreact when they don't remember when and how to ask for help, so, too, we mothers with highly explosive children can't be shy about getting help. Parenting classes geared towards parents of kids like this make a big difference. So does therapy for us as the adults struggling through all this.

It is hard to let go of the dreams of a peaceful, easy running, happy home. Things will probably get less chaotic as the best medication fit is found, and other strategies are put in place, but raising a challenging child (or 2 or 6) is still a constant drain on all a mother's inner resources.

I still mourn a bit that I won't be going out to evening shiurim, or doing much else besides work, therapies, and taking care of the house. But with time and some reframing, it does get easier.

And at least we can get support here from others who have BTDT.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 09 2014, 8:16 pm
I was that child. I am a girl. I threw endless tantrums, I could scream tirelessly the whole day, I called my parents names, I hit them and cursed them. They hit me too and called me names etc. and their shalom bays was never good, my father has an anger problem and can hit. I had diagnozed neurological issues.

I turned out OK. I outgrew my neurological problems, tests as an adult turned out normal. I am still less calm than my husband and can in the heat of things say bad words, and I sometimes patchke my kids on the bottom.... but mostly I am ok. nowhere near like I was when I lived at home.
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