please help me. I hate my child.

the world's best mom

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 10:16 pm

You need to have a firm, consistent discipline plan, something like Marina wrote. That will help teach your son to control himself and behave.

However, discipline cannot work if there is no love in the relationship. You need to feel love for him and show it so he'll know it's there. A good way to build up this love is by spending quality time with just him. Take him for pizza, or whatever fun thing you can enjoy doing together. Do this regularly. Maybe let him miss school one day so you can spend the day together. Talk to him, and listen to his responses. Really listen. Comment on what he says. Show interest in his daily life.

Reading parenting books or taking a parenting course is extremely helpful.

amother

Sun, Mar 09 2014, 10:21 pm

amother wrote:

I have an 13 yr old ADHD, who used to be impossible as you all described the scenarios. at one stage we were so desperate to getsome tools how to deal with him, we came across an amazing behaviour program called 'total transformation'by james lehman. it is fantastic and I have passed on so many tried and worked techniques.
pm me if you want more info.

hatzlocho rabbo to all challenged mothers

I am not op and would love to pm u but you are amother

picklelover

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 12:01 am

Please please all of you who are in this situation, go out and buy the book called:
THE NURTURED HEART APPROACH- TRANSFORMING THE DIFFICULT CHILD.
It does miracles. It is very true what some of u write- separate the child from the behavior.
This book gives a whole new outlook on how to deal with these children. Children who were on medication and intense therapy were taken off almost immediately after the parents started using these methods.
I have heard from friends with children with ADHD who say this literally changed their lives!
Go on amazon and read the reviews on it. So many parents in the same situation as you who wrote how helpful this was!
Lots of hugs to you all and may you only have true nachas and happiness.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 3:41 am

Yet another amother chiming in here to say me too.

It's so comforting to see this thread, even though that doesn't sound so nice to say. I felt so alone since I am dealing with two like this (yes, boys, with other boys in the house learning from it as well....)

The past few weeks have been particularly difficult, and I've been walking around feeling so down about it. I love my children intensely, yet sometimes I find myself really not able to like being around them at all. I feel like such a failure, and as a perfectionist who never took failure easily, I am finding this nisayon dreadfully challenging.

I have read most of The Explosive Child but you know - my explosive child seems atypical -- explosions are not necessarily from confrontations that can be worked through. I see the strategy can work in some scenarios, but we get explosions from just about anything that causes discomfort - such as being hungry (and he was just served supper, but it may be chicken and he wants milchigs tonight, so....overturn the plate and start throwing chairs at Mommy/hitting the brother sitting next to you/etc), or a brother tripped over him by mistake and stepped on his toe, or his tzitzis are not laying straight, etc. I just ordered The Nurtured Heart book and hope it will be helpful.

To all the mothers sharing this -- hugs all around. I am bookmarking this thread so that I can come back and gain comfort when I need.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 4:32 am

I one of the amother's in this thread

we should find a way we can talk to each other - it could def help

it's very hard when mothers of regular children don't understand
from the outside ds looks normal - but then does things other children don't do and others judge me that I let him get away with things - - but I have no choice

ds is 13
his bar mitzva was very hard -- he has a hard time with changes and was so nervous.
Now he still very hard to deal with but things have gotten better. He also gave my sholom bayis a big shaking.

I believe that noone without a child like this could understand what we go through on daily basis.

Wishing you all luck and if anyone wants to speak who is dealing with a similar issue then I would like to figure out how we can do it.

Has anyone had success with getting someone who can guide them in how to deal with their adhd child. I have been thinking of this but only if it will really help. I don't want someone that I speak to once a week - I want someone that I can call and email with specific questions.

momaleh

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 4:52 am

Second vote for transforming the difficult child, nurtured heart. I took a course in this with a frum woman and it is truly amazing.
Also, just please remember something Rebbetzin Salenger stresses in her add class - when these kids grow up and they succeed, they often say, "it was only bc xxx had faith in me." and xxx is usually the mother. You can be that mother that sees him to success - please get some tools so you can look back and be proud!

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:19 am

I've got the girl version of this - and I love her with all my heart, but sometimes I fantasize about the great retort I might say to her, the one that will stop her in her tracks and make her think before she hurts someone else. I hate the ADHD, specifically for this meaness factor it creates in these kids. My husband also has ADHD Pretty bad, and I'm so tired...

There are so many times I can't take it anymore -and I understand completley about the fantasies of escaping. This past Shabbat, in the middle of the night, I went out to the mirpeset, laid down and cried. Where could I run to on Shabbat?

Most of the time, it's quite awful. But there are rare times when I get a "hello" or "good morning" or some sincere question (as opposed to inappropriate shooting questions that change topic mid-sentance) and I just know that things are going to be normal for a brief time. I live for these moments, and I hug my child like she's returning from a long time away...

I think she's going to make it through her childhood in one piece, and be a sucessful adult. I'm not sure how much of me will be left by that point.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:46 am

I'm one of the amothers here - with two explosive kids. Here's a question I've been wondering about. Is there a benefit to getting my sons evaluated and perhaps diagnosed with ADD/ADHD -- they both do well in school with no trouble or anger issues there. One son does have social trouble in that he doesn't make friends easily, but he is well-liked from what I can see and what I am told by the rebbeim. So I am not sure there would be academic/social/etc benefit to any kind of diagnosis.
Say I were told that son A has ADD/inattentive type (as I suspect) and son B is ADHD/impulsive (again, my intuition) -- is there practical benefit to these labels? I would hesitate to medicate because of the lack of issues in school. I floated the idea of an evaluation to my husband (who is very skeptical of any kind of talk about therapy/medication/etc) and he asked me this. I wasn't sure what to answer. I feel like it would give ME some help in that I know there's something real causing this behavior and it's not just a discipline issue. But that's not a good enough answer.

So fellow amothers, what do you say?

OP - if you want me to branch this to another thread, I will. I just feel like I have the right audience here of mothers who understand this alternate universe....

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 6:53 am

to the amother above - -how old are your kids

I was like you a few years ago until it reached breaking point and my life was falling in pieces along with my husband and children.

we got my son tested. we started him on meds
even though I was so against meds - they are a lifesaver for my child and the family. Without them he doesn't function and is impossible to live with others.

I got my 7 year old dd now tested and she has add without the hyperactivity - she is ok in the house but the school pushed me to get her tested - so I don't know if I will start her with meds or not.
I am not for meds - but they do save lives and just like you will give other life saving meds sometimes it is also lifesaving in my opinion.
(and I would not have said this or understood this 10 years ago )

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:05 am

I'm the amother with the girl (and the mirpeset and that whole drama). I think there is an extreme benefit to the labels - the child understands they have a very real disability, as opposed to them just thinking that they are "bad." I could understand being afraid to label (and thus "limit") a neuro-typical child, but for those of us whose kids are well beyond that point, correct labels only guide us toward good solutions.

We use medication (Concerta) because of the problems at home. It doesn't sedate my kid, or even calm her, but she just isn't as angry with it. We returned to medication after about an 8mos. hiatus (the Ritalin caused terrible headaches.) Because of the unmedicated period, my daughter missed learning important middot - she just couldn't focus long enough to be able to understand the concepts. With medication, she's still a little behind, but she's slowly starting to improve her behavior. Just last night she said to me "I'm sorry, what I said earlier wasn't appropriate." I nearly fell over from shock - the inappropriate comment had occured over an hour before. Thank G-d, slowly, we're seeing improvement.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:09 am

amother wrote:

They are 6 and 8
This is all so confusing.
Can I ask - based on the time now - are you in Israel? I am, and I wouldn't even know how to go about getting an evaluation if I decide I do want one done. If you are, how does it work?

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:12 am

amother wrote:

Thank you for this perspective.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:23 am

Quote:

yes I am in israel You start by your pediatrition and he will send you to a nurologist

IMO the nurologist just goes by the forms that you and the teachers fill out.
for my dd that's 7 I just did a private MOXO test to detect add as I didn't feel she was as much add as her teachers. It turns out she is without the hyperactivity so that's why they see it more in school. I am waiting for a nurologist appt for her.

Concerta is saving my son now - without it he is not functional. He is also in a school now geared to ADHD kids and is doing very well in school Boruch Hashem.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 7:24 am

New amother here. Two of my kids are like this. It's so hard. We're seeing some improvement with one of them due to increasing his meds, working with him on anger management, and paying a fortune for therapists. His teachers are reporting that he seems calmer and happier at school BH. I'm hoping things are going to get a lot better for us now that we seem to have found what he needs. Still working on figuring out what my other one needs but hopeful we'll figure it out.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 8:25 am

Ok, I'm going to give you all a different perspective. I have a large family of mostly sons Bli ayin hora.
2 have ADHD. One is 24 & the other 20.
Oldest is married. They started Ritalin at 6 & 10 respectively. Neither is on meds now.
Was it difficult? Like gehinom.
One had learning issues, one was very defiant.
For the defiant one I dreamed of foster care, respite care , anything!!
I'm a BT. Little family support.
What helped?
Ritalin was great, concerta even better.
Very, very strict discipline. Complete home structure, from meal times, bedtimes etc.
I never allowed myself to relax & enjoy.
A shabbos nap? Forget it. The kids needed one of us around 24/7 so the defiant one wouldn't kill them with either his explosiveness or crazy ideas.
We made a mistake not to medicate the older one on the weekend or vacations. Stupid idea. For the next one we used concerta every day.
I also opted to homeschool the younger once his ADHD & learning issues peaked. I did this for several years. He blossomed & we became very close as a result.
When both went away to yeshivos they gradually stopped all meds.
We found that a very strict yeshiva worked for the defiant one (although they complained lots) & an easier going , less academically demanding worked for the other.
Just to remind you that we do have other kids who need attention & also validation as they suffer too. Each child got to spend a day with me (took them out of school) on their own , once a month. We'd go for ice cream, coffee, errands etc.
B"H both the challenging boys are now wonderful , sensitive menchen who are very self aware. As I mentioned the older is married & is channeling his energy in very positive ways. The other is still learning & is a wonderful sensitive young man. Both are very close to their very forgiving siblings!
Life these days is a breeze. I really enjoy vacation time with my younger kids. I can relax around them & no longer run a very strict routine. I allow more flexibility because my younger non ADHD kids don't need the rigidity.
Don't envy anyone their "easy" kids. This child is your tafkid. Hashem have you this child, it's your very difficult job to make him into a mench & raise him to Torah, chuppa & maisim tovim.
Also if it's possible to have the ADHD child in another school/cheder than your other kids do it. Makes school life easier for the non ADHD ones.
Good luck, take a deep breath. You can do it! We literally came from darkness to light.