need your opinions

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 11:15 am

ok so this is a bit of a weird situation but here goes. and please dont give me a whole "you think your entitled attitude" it may sound a bit like that but really im not.

so about 5 years ago I got engaged and my mil gave me a kalla bracelet. I literally LOVED it. happens to be a couple classmates of mine had gotten the same one months earlier and as soon as I saw it I recognized it cause I loved it when I saw theirs at their vorts.
great! no?
anyways a few weeks later a link on the bracelet suddenly broke. nothing happened to it-it just broke. I didnt want to tell my in laws so I took it to a jeweler and paid for the repair. a couple weeks later another link broke the same way. nothing happened it just broke. this time I called the jeweler and they said its prob a faulty piece. it happens. so I called mil and told her that it broke 2 times. she paid for another fixing (I think we sent it back to the original place she bought it from) and she reimbursed me for the first fixinf. I got it back a couple weeks before the wedding... and wadda ya know, it broke again. faulty piece. so mil told us to send it back to her and she would excahnge it. so we did and I borrowed the bracelet of my friend who had the same one for my chasuna. all worked out.
anyways, meanwhile mil found a bracelet at a diff jeweler. its not a "typical" kalla bracelet-its a bit plainer. still pretty but just not as nice (the chips didnt sparkle as much cause they were really bad color,clarity etc but the did still sparkle)
it was also significantly cheaper then what had been paid for the first one. a few hundred dollars. so she asked me if I liked it and I said it would do (cause what else was I supposed to say pray tell?????) and it is a nice bracelet I just dont love it. I dont hate it or anything, but it just is if you get what I mean.
anyways this all came up recently cause my brother is a chasan and we have been talking abt the gifts etc and my mother is trying to avoid a faulty bracelet for my future sil.
so in talking I basically told dh that I dont love the "new" bracelet and I loved the other one. but its old and done and im dealing with it.

so dh says he will buy me a new one and I tell him no way are you spending that kind of money. so he says lets sell the one his mother got oeither for gold or as a piece he would shop ard for the best price) and then he will add to that and get a new one.
thats more reasonable in terms of money to spend but I still dont think its right. he says his mother wont real,ize. she may she may not. likely she wont-esp since she rarely sees us (we live in a diff city and mostly get together for y"t and maybe a cpl more times-say 4x a year).
but I dont think its a correct thing to do. I am fine with my current bracelet. it does the "trick". I dont have any resentment except towards the original bracelet that was faulty. but that wasnt any persons fault.
oh and also dh thinks its ok cause while mil bought it, it was with his money-he has a cd of bm money which was used to pay for all my kalla gifts/jewelry.
any opnions?
sorry so long.

smss

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 11:48 am

amother wrote:

so dh says he will buy me a new one and I tell him no way are you spending that kind of money. so he says lets sell the one his mother got oeither for gold or as a piece he would shop ard for the best price) and then he will add to that and get a new one.
thats more reasonable in terms of money to spend but I still dont think its right. he says his mother wont real,ize. she may she may not. likely she wont-esp since she rarely sees us (we live in a diff city and mostly get together for y"t and maybe a cpl more times-say 4x a year).
but I dont think its a correct thing to do. I am fine with my current bracelet. it does the "trick". I dont have any resentment except towards the original bracelet that was faulty. but that wasnt any persons fault.

great! so just let it go & enjoy your bracelet.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 12:02 pm

I wouldn't. Mil got me a few pieces that really weren't my taste, but I smiled, said thank you, and wore it to DH family get togethers. It's just a bracelet. Rejecting a gift can effect a relationship for long term not worth it. (Obviously the case of the bracelet always breaking is a totally diff case..,)

Later on, years after we married DH BH has a good job and bought me things on his own, more my taste. I still wear mil things when we see her. I think it's imp to show mil appreciation.

A mil once told me how she appreciated how her DIL would always make sure to dress the grand kids in the outfits she bought when visiting. She knew the dil's mother, very wealthy, bought far fancier things than she was able to. Yet still the DIL was sensitive to mil's efforts.

I understand a Kallah bracelet is a once in a lifetime thing. It's a hard call to make...

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 3:30 pm

k thanks so everyone agrees with me. ill justb tell dh its ridiculous. (some more)
and its not even like I hate it, I just dont esp like it or dislike it. neutral feelings. its not esp pretty not esp ugly. it just is.
I actually just told dh but he wants to ask his sister. cause he doesnt think his mother will notice. or if she does will think I just got a new bracelet and am not wearing the old so much. but I told him not to and if he insists (which he may) to make it clear that its all his idea. (which it is)
thanks for your confirmations.
and while my mil has never bought any clothing for my children I do put them in any hand me downs she gave when we are there. if that counts for anything Wink

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 4:32 pm

amother wrote:

anyways, meanwhile mil found a bracelet at a diff jeweler. its not a "typical" kalla bracelet-its a bit plainer. still pretty but just not as nice (the chips didnt sparkle as much cause they were really bad color,clarity etc but the did still sparkle)
it was also significantly cheaper then what had been paid for the first one. a few hundred dollars. so she asked me if I liked it and I said it would do (cause what else was I supposed to say pray tell?????) and it is a nice bracelet I just dont love it. I dont hate it or anything, but it just is if you get what I mean.

op again.
dh thinks I was wrong for the bolded.

if I hadnt said it was ok she would have gotten me an even exchange for the bracelet. she did get a "better deal" (like almost half the price) from this other place- but the materials were cheaper(10k gold not 18k, cheaper diamond chips etc) . I was still in lalaland and didnt want to make waves but I remember my mother had issues with the whole taking back a gift and not giving even exchange.

hes like why did you say it was ok if it wasnt. as I said I dont like to make waves. I try to keep things pleasant. what I was supposed to be all no way, I want one I love, I want one that will cost more, etc? I mean I guess if I had hated it then I would have said no, but whatever it was fine.

whatever... this whole thing is ridiculous and I only started a thread cuz dh keeps bringing it up and I wanted to make sure I wasnt being crazy by not letting him go ahead with this whole idea. but he says why should he listen to imamother, hes gonna ask his sister.... I guess this is more of a vent now...

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:24 pm

imamothertoo wrote:

Why doesn't he speak to his mother and tell her how he really liked ur first bracelet better and would she mind if u exchange it and upgrade it as a gift to u

cause its been 5 years.

the only reason this all came up now was that as I said my brother is a chassan and my mother wanted to know where they got the bracelet from cause she doesnt want to get from that place cause it was faulty and then we talked through the whole what happened (total discussion-like making sure all details are right) and I said I loved the first and not the second and dh wants to make it better. basically .

otherwise I would never have brought it up. at all. its done and over and finished. it is what it is. its a bracelet. it does the trick. and thats that.

in my mind that is.

dh thinks we can improve on it and find one I love. I would for sure not ask mil. shes not an easy person to deal with (tho not terrible either), but I deal with her by telling myself she has issues and I just have to work around them, I have no expectations from her and know whatever she does is hard for her. I do know that she does appreciate me for this.

kenz

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:33 pm

I'm going to disagree with everyone. If your husband wants you to trade it in and get something you love, do it. I never loved my engagement ring - it just "was..." like you say. Last year, after 15 years, it came up b/c a kallah asked to see it and I commented, "there's nothing to see." Didn't realize DH heard me till he asked what I meant. I told him it's fine, it's a ring, and the meaning behind it is what counts. He disagreed, told me to do exactly the same thing - take a couple of items of jewelry I never, ever wore and exchange it. I did and went to pick out a setting for the first time in my life and months later, I still look at it almost every day in appreciation. Every "kallah" should be able to feel that way about her jewelry, and if your DH is offering the opportunity now, five years later, and you believe his mother won't really object or know, why be a "jewelry martyr?"

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 5:40 pm

kenz wrote:

She wont say anything. but she may very well notice. Dh thinks she will just assume that I got a new bracelet and dont wear the old one as much. im not so sure.

and I dont think bringing it up to her is the right thing to do.

esp cause I know she does like that fact that I let things go, dont make waves and try not to do things that will upset her if I can help it (even tho it means I am totally uncomfortable in her house) unlike my sil who will do things even after asked not to do it and then complain that mil asked her to move her stuff and just has a bad attitude and lots of expectations that are not met in general. and truthfully I dont want to shake my relationship with mil. which while it isnt really much of a relationship it isnt a bad one (I guess kinda like the bracelet. we dont fight, I dont think she is out to get me, but we are not and most probably never will be close, cause she is a hard person to get close to)

do you think dh should ask her? or not? I guess his sister who kows her mother better may have more insight... we will see.

kenz

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 9:47 pm

amother wrote:

My m-i-l is different b/c when I showed her my new setting she said, "So what's different?" which is hilarious b/c the old setting was a solitaire and the new one is totally not. So I had no qualms, knowing she wouldn't really know the difference - and a ring is more obvious than a bracelet. It seems to me that you're not comfortable doing it - so don't. You'll iy"H get more jewelry. Just tell your DH that next time he wants to buy you something special, it should be a bracelet.

amother

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 10:22 pm

thanks everyone for your insights.
dh did speak to his sister (shes the one that gets mil the best and e/o goes to her for advice on how to deal with her basically and she keeps her mouth shut so wont go past her)

she felt that we def could do it, because in the past my mil has expressed the opinion that when someone gets a gift it is theirs to do with as they please. she said she cant promise that she will feel the same abt an expensive gift she gave, but she is pretty logical and has in the past sold things or returned things for something else.
she said dont ask her. and that I should not make a big deal abt it, just wear it. and she may notice that I have a new one and I can say its an anniversary, birthday or y"t present (whichever we would go with) but she doesnt think she will realize I dont have the old one, just that I only wear the new one. and if she does ask, well then it was my gift and I can do as I deem fit.

im still thinking on it tho. really just not 100% sure I wanna do it. but I dont have to decide today. I can sleep on it and all.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Mar 10 2014, 10:55 pm

I side with your husband. He seems to be the decider here.

But it was very modest of you to say it was fine, I am with you there.

The place has changed sources and craftsmen many times in five years; it doesn't follow a bracelet from them would be faulty now. They may have new management and everything.

Cash the old one, and call the new one, which will be exactly what you really love, a sort of five year anniversary present.

It's nice to think of happily married couples, and diamonds! What a pleasant thread!

Since this is normal in your circle, have what they all have, and enjoy. It should be exactly right and meet your expectations.