DEAR NEIGHBOR, | Imamother

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

DEAR NEIGHBOR,

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amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 10:29 am

Dear neighbor,

Thanx for lending me the eggs yesterday. They really helped me out.
Sorry for barging in on you like this but is it ok if we talk for a few?
There's something on my mind I'd like to share with you.

Are you aware that screaming at your kids for doing things kids their age normally do, will infringe on their growing up normally? That it hurts their belief in people. Their trust in the good of mankind. Their self asteem. It wipes away at their confidence in adults around. In the belief that they deserve to eat sleep and, Oh my! Be loved and get attention too, Just for being alive!!

I'm sorry if I sound cynical. Maybe you truly don't know. Maybe there are other factors involved that hinder ure clarity in this matter. And so I apologize. But I'm sharing this with you too. Because my hearts bleeding for your innocent kids. Who do nothing so bad to deserve a yelling like that -ever!!
If you need too, please please go for help to rectify this. It's a lot easier and cheaper just for you to go than for all your kids too...

Oh! What I would do to babysit them one night. To tuck them in with softspoken voices, a kiss on their cheeks and words of love. Just once they should know that they are wanted. Cared about. Loved and secure in that knowledge.

Mistakes happen and are ok. As long as you acknowledge them and apologize afterwards. Your kids will only learn that it's ok to error.

I cringe at the memory of one night. Maybe just the wrong night. For you. For your energy.
Your kid had a bad dream and woke up crying. After what seemed like an eternity for me and for your kid for sure, u came in and yelled and yelled. That 'It's time to sleep, and won't you stop crying this second and it's late and you should JUST BE QUIET!!'
Ouch ouch ouch. Well guess what, your kid got quiet. Fast.
It worked huh?

But he did it because he was scared. More scared of you than of this dream. Which was probably long forgotten about and even if not, he could deal with it on his own because who cares about him anyway??

-Wouldn't a kiss and a quick tuck-in work better??

My heart aches each time anew. Maybe I should have gotten used to the noise coming from next door. But I can't. The repercussions of actions like yours is tremendous. Months, no years of therapy to create and learn a new understanding and trust of the world. It takes a long long time, maybe forever, for the scars to heal. And I cannot let go. I sit, on my side of the wall, and silently pray that you stop, stop , stop that screaming and negativity. The risk is too great. Your dealing with diamonds!

No- I didn't spend a few hours doing research on this matter to scare you. No polls or questionnaires.
It's my heart talking. Cause it knows. It has felt it and can't bear to see a repeat!
Please, please, I beg of you, have rachmanus on your offspring!!

Thanx again for the eggs. Here they are. Sorry for keeping you!

Sincerly yours,
Your next-door neighbor.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:02 am

Dear Neighbor,

I usually speak to my kids in a loving warm way. But today I was operating on 3 hours of sleep, and running around so much I didn't get a minute to eat until dinnertime.

This particular child has been acting rowdy all day. I begged him, bribed him, and sternly told him to stop, but his behavior escalated. I finally got him to bed with a warning that he should not come out until morning.

Coming out of bed, whatever the reason, was the last straw. My head was killing by then, and I needed to use any techniques possible to have a child-free moment for my sanity.

I'm sure that this one incident, although difficult for both of us, will be washed into oblivion by the sheer number of positive and healthy interactions.

I appreciate your concern, and sense that you truly care. In that case, should I have another day like today, you will be the first one I call for an hour of babysitting so I don't feel as stressed by nighttime. And when I am trying to recover from a day like today, I will ask you to clean up my house so I have the patience to deal with a nightmare in a more supportive way.

Sincerely,
Your Neighbor

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:10 am

Im op.. I bentch u that u have the strength to deal with it all and see lots of nachas from them all. I did not mean yto blame or accuse u. I understamd its hard and at times very overwhelming.
The situation I was talking about though is not a one time thing. Its an hourly accurence and the heartrending cries coming out of there tears me to pieces.
Like I said, ppl make mistakes. But do ure kids know u love them anyway??

worldpeace

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:53 am

The thing is is you can't hear through the walls all of the positive interactions cause those are generally quite quiet and calm

worldpeace

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:56 am

Also I am a very caring mother bh and guess what
There are times when u try hugging and kissing ur kid back to sleep and all they wanna do is scream
You're worried about them waking up the rest of ur kids
It ain't easy when absolutely no bribe will work
And it's 2 am and you have to sleep to function in the am to care 4 ur family
Not.Easy.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 12:07 pm

(Op) the walls are very thin. If not the words that come through (which most times it does) the tone def does.

I know its hard. Very hard. But my point was if this happens to an extreme. Do u scream every other time or once in ten times? And again, do ure kids know at the end that u care and love them?

rikki!

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 12:15 pm

I'm quite shocked at the responses. OP wrote that it's an hourly occurrence. As humans we all have bad days, but there's no excuse in the world that can justify that kind of "parenting"!!! It leaves everlasting scars.

I'm sadly witnessing the exact same situation, and I'm not just a neighbor that listens through the walls, but spend a lot of time there- it's heartbreaking! I try my very best explaining it to her and hope she'll get it one day. I believe that it's others responsibility to do the least for
These suffering kids by approaching the situation in some way.

OP, if I were you I would rewrite a more empathetic understanding version and mail it to her. It seems like she needs a wake up call.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:06 pm

Op here. Thank u rikki!! U got exactly what I meant!! I guess u haveing been in that situation does that.
I would love to mail her that letter but I don't want an enemy for life. The way the apts are set up Shell know it's from me. So for now im hoping it'll get into family first as words unspoken so that maybe shell get to read it.

smss

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:10 pm

ladies, I think we all know that even the best parents lose their cool sometimes. I hope we also all know that truly abusive parents sadly do exist in this world.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:11 pm

amother wrote:

And do YOU know for sure that they don't?

You easily could have been my neighbor, because I do scream a lot. But as another poster said, you don't get to hear me apologize, don't hear my quiet loving words, hugs and kisses. You only hear the screaming and think that's how I am.

Please be DLKZ and go tuck in your own kids.

smss

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:23 pm

amother wrote:

amother, I don't mean to be harsh, and obviously I have no idea what really happens in your house. no one is perfect and everyone screams sometimes. but... abusive husbands will scream at their wives and then apologize, hug and kiss them, and tell them quiet loving words. and then scream all over again. the apologies do not change the fact that they are abusive.

penguin

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:36 pm

Writing to Family First is very nice, but if you seriously hear this woman shrieking at her kids all day long, I think a call to her Rov or children's principal is in order.

Have you not read the letters from the children who grew up this way and ask, "Surely someone realized what was going on. Why didn't anyone try to help us?"

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 3:37 pm

smss wrote:

I am the previous amother.
OP is not addressing this. She is coming on her high horse and offering to be a better mother for the neighbor's kids, because she obviously knows better.
Her post is full of accusations and has zero empathy that would be really necessary to change the situation.
I even thought she would mention that she doesn't have her own kids, that's why she is looking to tuck them in!

5*Mom

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:13 pm

amother wrote:

I agree with this amother.

Normal, healthy, stable parents don't behave the way you describe on an hourly basis. A parent who does so does not need your judgment or your mussar; she and her children need your HELP. If the situation is as bad as you say it is and moves you as you say it does, reach out to this woman with compassion and Practical Help. Anything else is you talking to yourself and helps no one.

And also, if you can really hear all that you say you can, soundproof your walls. That is not a healthy situation either.

abound

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:17 pm

If you are really thinking that it is an abusive situation. You are quite selfish that you won't take care of it is because you do not want an enemy for life.
Deal with it, these kids lives are more important then one enemy you may have.

If you decide to deal with it, find the best possible way to get through to her. (not the best way that she will not know it is from you!) If you do it in a way that makes you into her enemy then you probably will not get through to her in a way that will make changes anyway.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:38 pm

Phew!! Im the op and not used to writing here so was not expecting such answers.

So yes I am newlymarried and don't have kids to tuck in yet. Now bf u scream and say ohhh that's y she can say it so calmly, let me make u aware that I took care of my siblings for long streches of time and practiced what im preaching although it was very hard!
I agree with all of u that say that some more action is in order but let me ask u, if ud be me what would u really do??

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:41 pm

(Op) also, I hear everything through the walls including the positive. They are few and far in between.

marina

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:43 pm

There's screaming ( GET INTO BED, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT ALREADY)

and then

there's screaming (WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A STUPID MORON, I WISH YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!)

Not all screaming is equal. The first kind is when a mother needs help and support and our assistance. And sometimes that mother is us. And when she doesn't or can't stop, we help her some more.

The second kind is when a mother doesn't /can't stop, her kids should be given to someone else. Because that damage will be almost impossible to undo.

freidasima

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:58 pm

Marina made an important distinction here. Depends how one screams and what one screams and how often one screams. And a mother can be even more "dangerous" if she never screams but just looks and hits. Those exist as well. Screaming, while I do not condone it, is a safety valve that almost everyone uses every once in a while. Some have a tradition of screaming in the family, they were screamed at, their sisters scream, their brothers scream, they are known as the "shreiers".

It doesn't mean anything and it's just their form of communication.

Then there are those who scream obscenities or horrible things to their children as what Marina wrote above. Those are dangerous. The others are just loud and sometimes very obnoxious.

And it's worth taking a good look at the physical interaction in the famiilies of the screamers. How do the children look when they are interacting with their parents? Cowed? Scared? Nervous? Do they scream back at parents (some do!), do they scream at their siblings? And most important what do they scream.

Before "shouting abuse" there is a lot to take into account. Not all screams are the same. I am against screaming but sometimes...it's the only thing that works, or rather raising ones voice.
And sometimes it is abuse. You have to be able to tell the difference and for that...if you really think that abuse is going on, turn to a professional.

But be careful. I've known cases where parents were just "screamers" but someone called the services and a kid was taken away because the parents and mostly the mother spoke in high decibels. Because in some areas, the "services" work by wrote and that can cause a tremendous amount of trouble.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 4:59 pm

amother wrote:

I took care of my siblings for long streches of time and practiced what im preaching although it was very hard!

I took care of 10 of my siblings (wake, dress, bring to school, sub teach for my mother, drive home, supper, homework, clean house, bedtime, etc.) while my mother was in Israel for 10 days. Didn't prepare me for 24/7 life with my own kids and the stress of that.

I was a far better "mother of 10" as a teen than I am now as a mother of 6.

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