Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim
How many of u...
Previous  1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 11:46 am
Men will be unaware if we let them.
Make them participate. Ask for help. Complain of the hardships. Tell them they have to do X because you can't, and don't do it.
Do it for every yomtov.
Back to top

willow




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 12:17 pm
not everyone feels that they have no voice

Last edited by willow on Mon, Mar 17 2014, 12:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 12:17 pm
Well my dh gets drunk and all but he also makes the whole Purim so special. He invests time to make it special. He prepared a puppets /dummies ventriloquist show, grammon about the family and meal for Motzei Shabbos. Than >Before he gets drunk (and I have to take over) he watches the kids and helps me with whatever I need/want. The next morning is all mine. With him taking the kids out so I get a break. We each give what we can and it works out really nice. With open communication we each have a nice day
Back to top

causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 1:23 pm
imamazing wrote:
Don't get me wrong. I love Purim and I love that my kids and husband had a great day, but I guess much like any other yom tov, the pressure lies on the women. And this is compounded with the fact that the men are blissfully unaware of all the work left behind after they conk out. The end of the day sort of leaves me with a bittersweet feeling, if not a resentful feeling.I don't get to join the seuda or enjoy what everyone else is enjoying...
I don't know if Im alone in this or not and that's why I started this thread.


your not alone but in my opinion its our own fault. we as women allow men to shirk their responsibility and act like martyrs due to misplaced guilt and other stupid excuses

in a house where both spouses work about the same amount, shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare, laundry, and dishes should be divided up.

obviously in a house where the wife doesn't work and the husband does work then the bulk falls on her.

in my house my husband works double of what I work so cooking, cleaning, childcare, and dishes fall on me.

he is left with shopping and laundry. I do the grocery lists for him

we both do the bills and finances.

it works and neither of us are resentful.
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 1:56 pm
imamazing wrote:
Don't get me wrong. I love Purim and I love that my kids and husband had a great day, but I guess much like any other yom tov, the pressure lies on the women. And this is compounded with the fact that the men are blissfully unaware of all the work left behind after they conk out. The end of the day sort of leaves me with a bittersweet feeling, if not a resentful feeling.I don't get to join the seuda or enjoy what everyone else is enjoying...
I don't know if Im alone in this or not and that's why I started this thread.
Have you ever talked to your husband and told him how his drinking affects you and your entire household? I actually get mad when I hear about men who use purim as an excuse to get drunk and become inhuman. Its terrible (and what kind of example, of a good frum human being, are they setting for their children?)

Im with DrMom. We have a pot luck seuda with 4 or 5 other couples/families. We each bring different things. There is wine that is consumed, but nobody gets drunk. We even have a purim question game, every year, and every adult is always able to answer.

Also, this is not a man's chag. It is a family's chag. No man should "get away" with not helping at all. That childish and immature. Talk to your husband, and I dont mean now, I mean, a few days before purim so that he knows you mean business.
Back to top

eschaya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 2:15 pm
This happened to us 2 years ago, and I was hopping mad... and I told Dh so the next day when he was sober. B'H he is more careful now. Last year he had to go to the yeshiva where he was teaching for their mesiba so he missed clean up again. This year, he made sure to drink only enough to get high, but little enough that by the time Purim was over he was able and ready to help. He commented to me, during out few hours worth of clean-up, how shocked he was at the extent of clean-up and work required to put a house back together after Purim. Good he finally knows! And Purim ended on such a nicer note for both of us.
OP - explain to your dh what it's like for you. And tell him that you don't want to end Purim resentful and angry, at him and at the chag. So therefore, let him know that if he thinks he is unable to change his purim pattern then you will not be making the seuda next year, because you don't want to be angry at him and at the chag. It's not negotiable. You refuse to have Purim ruined for you. Either he can change his drinking and helping or you can change your responsibilities.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 2:27 pm
It's just a pity that it's a men's and kids holiday, and becomes a less enjoyable day for us women...

Sometimes I feel like all Jewish holidays are for the men. What holiday is for us LADIES?
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 2:34 pm
Rosh chodesh?
Tunisians have a girl day (and a boy day).

That said I don't feel any holiday is especially towards one gender.

See what you halachically can do and do it (if it appeals to you).

I definitely have a choice, I make it heard when needed and have changed unfair situations for myself but it requires knowing your rights, and the sources.
Back to top

justcallmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 3:55 pm
I agree with the pp who said its our fault. I know for a FACT that if I served salami and coleslaw on white paper plates , my dh would prefer that than to watch me get stressed out. We set these ridiculous and impossible to achieve "standards" until we can barely enjoy Purim. Im pretty sure most DHs would prefer a relaxed wife to a Martha Stewart seuda.
Back to top

Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 4:03 pm
imamazing wrote:
Don't get me wrong. I love Purim and I love that my kids and husband had a great day, but I guess much like any other yom tov, the pressure lies on the women. And this is compounded with the fact that the men are blissfully unaware of all the work left behind after they conk out. .


Depends on your culture and community.
In my circles the guys do NOT get drunk, and they usually do half the cooking for the seuda.
After the meal everyone helps clean up. There's some wine in the air, but nobody ever reaches the state of vomit! Oh my, can't even imagine that. What do the kids say?
Back to top

Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 4:07 pm
we arranged a community seuda in our shul so although I was busy all day arranging that and other purim programmes my house wasn't left that messy. There are still piles of food and random costume parts all over.
Back to top

chocolate chips




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Mar 17 2014, 11:48 pm
amother wrote:
Purim is over the kids had a blast
I'm feeling happy that it's finally "past"
The kitchen's a mess, the living room looks "beaten"
There's food all over, most of it half eaten
This house is entirely upside down
All I wanna do is run outa town!
Each year, to enjoy Purim, I fervently try
But that's only gonna happen if I become a kid or a guy.


That is awesome!!
Hope you don't mind if I copied it to my facebook page Smile
Back to top

hi1234




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:19 am
Forsure my house is mess...
Back to top

Marion




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:33 am
I just feel like there's too much to do. Go to megillah (twice!) and do mishloach manot and make a seuda? Oh, let's not forget costumes. Or LUNCH for the kids before the seuda later in the day! Who has time? Not even getting into the drunk or not and cleanup! I haven't been out of the house on Purim (except for evening megillah reading) in several years. Someone comes here to read and I'm inside all day wrapping packages and cooking. The city runs a parade and the schools want the kids to participate and I just think "who's got time???"
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:38 am
amother wrote:
It's just a pity that it's a men's and kids holiday, and becomes a less enjoyable day for us women...

Sometimes I feel like all Jewish holidays are for the men. What holiday is for us LADIES?
All holidays are for us ladies. Its all in how you do things and how you give out the different jobs that need to be done.
Being a woman does not mean that you have to prepare for a chag all on your own and take care of your kids on your own and clean the house all on your own. Nobody needs martyrs, really.

I have never felt this way about any chag. I do some things to prepare and my husband helps. There is no other way.

Why should women feel this way? It is so sad that you feel that no chag is for ladies.

So, change your status quo in your home. Talk to your husbands about helping more so that the chagim can also be for you. What a sad existence Sad
Back to top

Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 2:56 am
I agree with shabbat.
It's ridiculous that some of you ladies are run ragged while the dhs are partying.
Even if you work less hours in general, if you are both home on purim, you should both be helping out.

Also, simplify, simplify, simplify. There is no need to pack 50 elaborate MM. Usually this is the type of thing women want and do, so you can't really blame the dhs for something you initiated.

The seuda? Simple. Cook stuff the kids will enjoy, if your dh won't help, and that's that. If he's not willing to help set up, clear and clean the dishes, then use plastic.
Back to top

Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 3:14 am
Marion wrote:
I just feel like there's too much to do. Go to megillah (twice!) and do mishloach manot and make a seuda? Oh, let's not forget costumes. Or LUNCH for the kids before the seuda later in the day!


Why don't you just make the seuda earlier? Why serve lunch AND a seuda? In our home, the seuda IS lunch.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 5:49 am
I find the end of purim very lonely. My DH hasn't drank TOO much the past few years- just tipsy- but enough that he falls asleep at the end, and I'm left on my own. I feel; like I can't complain, because he's sober enough to help with the kids a little (put the one to bed, help with toilet training,...) and I didn't have to make the seuda yesterday, but I found purim exhausting and frustrating. We were at his yeshiva purim party, I'm heavily pregnant, and I spent the whole time tearing after my kids, all over the yeshiva. He helped out here and there with the kids, but I still felt like I was dragging myself around after the kids the whole day, up and down stairs, and the purim party shleped on FOREVER. When we eventually managed to get home, he got the more sedate kid to bed, while I battled the over-wound toddler. When I finished with said toddler, DH was already asleep on the couch, just coming around every so often to say a sentence or two and then go back to sleep. The house was a mess, my whole body was aching, and I had to go to work after that, so my mood was pretty bad by then.
It's not that that he doesn't help at all, or that he gets plastered, but I would love to be able to clean up together with DH and schmooze about the day, at the end of purim, and I feel like, instead, as a young mother, I feel lonely and a bit overburdened at the end of purim. I know it could be worse, but coupled with my dislike of noise, drunks, and crowds, I find many aspects of purim very unenjoyable. Sorry to be such a whiner- just needed to vent without disapproval. It's just annoying, but B"H, I am v grateful for all the brachos.
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 5:59 am
amother wrote:
I find the end of purim very lonely. My DH hasn't drank TOO much the past few years- just tipsy- but enough that he falls asleep at the end, and I'm left on my own. I feel; like I can't complain, because he's sober enough to help with the kids a little (put the one to bed, help with toilet training,...) and I didn't have to make the seuda yesterday, but I found purim exhausting and frustrating. We were at his yeshiva purim party, I'm heavily pregnant, and I spent the whole time tearing after my kids, all over the yeshiva. He helped out here and there with the kids, but I still felt like I was dragging myself around after the kids the whole day, up and down stairs, and the purim party shleped on FOREVER. When we eventually managed to get home, he got the more sedate kid to bed, while I battled the over-wound toddler. When I finished with said toddler, DH was already asleep on the couch, just coming around every so often to say a sentence or two and then go back to sleep. The house was a mess, my whole body was aching, and I had to go to work after that, so my mood was pretty bad by then.
It's not that that he doesn't help at all, or that he gets plastered, but I would love to be able to clean up together with DH and schmooze about the day, at the end of purim, and I feel like, instead, as a young mother, I feel lonely and a bit overburdened at the end of purim. I know it could be worse, but coupled with my dislike of noise, drunks, and crowds, I find many aspects of purim very unenjoyable. Sorry to be such a whiner- just needed to vent without disapproval. It's just annoying, but B"H, I am v grateful for all the brachos.
I still dont get it. Why dont you talk to your husband about this? Tell him how you feel? Why should it only be you tearing after the children at a seuda, even if it is at his yeshiva? So what? He is a parent as well and should be able to help you, no matter where you are.


I really dont understand you women who take all of this cr@p during the day of purim and then come here and complain but dont talk to your husband about it at all. I always say COMMUNICATION is THE most important thing in a marriage. Dont be a martyr, it is not cool or s-xy or anything like that. Its just plain stupid!!!!!!
Back to top

Culturedpearls




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 18 2014, 6:15 am
That's tough OP. I can't relate. DH never even gets close to drunk. We also don't serve alcohol at our seuda for anyone to get drunk.
You mention you're not part of the seuda. Why not ?
I love Purim, the kids love Purim, DH helps set up, clean up & the next morning we run to work while my cleaner mops & vaccums.
Back to top
Page 2 of 3 Previous  1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim