How many of u... | Imamother

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 10:59 am

I just want to add my two cents.

As a yeshivish wife whose dh DOES believe in drinking on Purim (I feel like many of the naysayers on here don't have a dh like this), I still believe there is a way to make it work so that you don't end up feeling resentful. Like others said, don't make yourself a martyr! Dh did morning runs with the kids to drop off shalach manos so that I could set up for the seuda and finish cooking while the baby slept. We kept our list down to under 20 people, including for the kids', although we did make additional shalach manos for people who showed up at our door. Our shalach manos consisted of a few items thrown into a cheap Purim-themed plastic bag with a label sticker on it. I would have loved to make beautiful, healthy shalach manos, but at this point in my life, it's more important that I'm sane for Purim. Oh, and the seuda? I pulled a couple of side dishes out of the freezer, had extra chicken I'd made from Shabbos (I made a TON on Friday intentionally, and only cooked some -- the rest I left raw in the fridge), and cut up a salad. The guests brought dessert and one more side dish. Oh, and soup from the freezer too.

I can't say it wasn't a busy day. And yes, my dh did drink. But we had spoken together about how important it was to me that he pick the people we invite to the seuda carefully, and that they would need to be people who know how to drink responsibly. They were happier than normal, a bit bouncy and fun, but still great with the kids. This year they didn't sing and dance, but in previous years the kids had a blast singing and parading around the dining room with them.

As for going to yeshiva -- we did that the first few years we were married. And then one year, with a baby in tow and another bshaah tova, I told my husband "no more." We sat down and talked about it and he considered getting a ride to yeshiva after the kids were asleep that night, but in the end I don't think he did even that. And he looked at me after Purim was over as he helped clean up (not as quickly as usual, since his reflexes were slow, but since we used plasticware there wasn't SO much to clean up), and said "Wow, this was a really nice Purim, wasn't it? The kids enjoyed, we enjoyed...I feel like we really made this thing work, didn't we?"

And the best thing was, I felt the same way.

This is not meant to be a "you guys have horrible husbands" megillah. This is meant to be chizzuk to those of you who feel like I did that year in yeshiva. That's NOT the way Purim is supposed to be. It's not a mitzvah to get drunk enough to throw up. TALK to your husband about how you feel. Now, and a few weeks before Purim next year. If your husband doesn't know how to figure out when he's had enough, take away his wine bottles and hide them when you see he's reaching his limits. If he doesn't want to listen, talk to your rav about how you feel and get him to talk some sense into your dh. This is not the way it's meant to be!

And please, try your best to stop being a martyr. Yes, if you run a Chabad house with hundreds of people, there's no way around it -- you'll be dealing with crazy messes afterwards. But barring that, YOU choose who you bring into your home. YOU choose how crazy you make yourself about shalach manos, about the seuda...about everything. Please, stop being a martyr and hating Purim. Some things you can't change, and obviously everyone has her own circumstances here. But please, whatever you CAN change, please DO change.

Signed,

BTDT Wife of a Drinking Yungerman Wink

greenfire

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 11:29 am

amother wrote:

Purim is over the kids had a blast
I'm feeling happy that it's finally "past"
The kitchen's a mess, the living room looks "beaten"
There's food all over, most of it half eaten
This house is entirely upside down
All I wanna do is run outa town!
Each year, to enjoy Purim, I fervently try
But that's only gonna happen if I become a kid or a guy.

it's only a man's holiday
if you wipe their vomit clean
put on your dress & make-up
& act just like a queen
instead of wearing a frown
or feeling so upside down
stop you women from crying
just share in the l'chaim !!!

chocolate chips

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 11:29 am

Just wanted to mention that dh told me yesterday the mitzvah of "ad d'lo yodah" can be fulfilled by having a 30minute nap also. Which is what my fil does and what dh wanted to do but couldn't because we were too busy.

Point is if your dh is telling you he HAS to get drunk, tell him he doesn't.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 11:46 am

Chocolate chips -- it's a machlokes. Depends on which way you read the rama -- whether he says it can be fulfilled by sleeping or whether he says you have to get drunk enough that you could fall asleep from it...

I wish it were that black and white.

Ruchel

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 12:11 pm

My apt is a mess and we didn't even have the seuda or entertainment there.
Doesn't mean all the clean up is on me unless chas veshalom dh is disabled, all dc are small and we can't afford any cleaning help. But in such case you need to plan ahead.
We cleaned a bit, everyone pitched in (of normal age), and we planned the cleaning lady for after Purim. Without her, it would have been longer and harder- for all.

greenfire

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 4:42 pm

getting drunk does not include vomit ... you get tipsy - you get happy - you can even get dopey or grumpy ...

but when you don't know the difference between your head & your @$$ - well then you are the latter

Tablepoetry

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 4:45 pm

Isn't the possible 'mitzvah' of getting drunk on purim overridden by the great aveira of making your wife clean up your vomit?

imasoftov

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 8:06 pm

We wrecked our kitchen together. We both drank but not so much that we lost control. Or our lunch.

But by the time Purim was over neither of us felt like cleaning up (if we had the strength, we'd probably have gone to a post-Purim party the night after and still left the dishes in the sink). The kitchen will be back in shape by Pesach ...

Ruchel

Wed, Mar 19 2014, 9:51 am

Let him sleep in it and deal with it.
It's assur to turn off one's partner when it could be avoided.

imasoftov

Wed, Mar 19 2014, 10:42 am

imasoftov wrote:

OK, what was the hug for? Criticism of couple cooking together or a woman drinking? Sympathy for having dishes to wash?

greenfire

Wed, Mar 19 2014, 10:54 am

imasoftov wrote:

OK, what was the hug for? Criticism of couple cooking together or a woman drinking? Sympathy for having dishes to wash?

it's just me - I love hugging ... Hug

let me count the ways

I hugged you because you drank together - לחיים ... I hugged you because you didn't care about the mess & lastly I hugged you because you figured come pesach it will get clean & that just made me chuckle Drunken Smile