DH missed the second megillah reading, doesn't even care.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 7:15 pm

He's been struggling with davening for a while now (basically not going to shul at all during the week) and today showed me how deep it really goes.

This morning, his megillah reading was at 10:30 and mine was at 11:30 but we didn't think his would be over in time. I just told him I'd figure something out for the 10-15 minute gap that we both weren't home, and he should just go and not worry about it. I got a neighbor's daugher to babysit for my newborn, which he wasn't aware of, but I saw him walking towards me as I was walking to shul and he told me he left early! So he wasn't yotzi the second megillah reading, and there weren't any more in the afternoon. The babysitter was only supposed to be there for our 10-15 minute overlap where we were both gone, and if we went back to tell her - she had no cellphone - one of us would have missed it again for sure.

He doesn't really seem bothered by it, but it really upsets me! Firstly that he wasn't yotzi, and secondly that he hasn't asked a Rav what to do, or tried to find another reading somewhere. How much am I responsible for his Yiddishkeit? Should I have called around for him? Should I have missed my reading so he could get the mitzvah?

I know women are the foundation for ruchnius in the home but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who cares. Sad

imasinger

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 7:23 pm

You are not responsible for his Yiddishkeit. He is a grownup. If you try to push him, you might make things worse, so maybe speak to your rav about how to handle these times.

It might, however, be helpful if you can get him to trust you enouh to talk about his doubts and concerns. Once he feels truly understood and not judged, he may be in a better place to accept some loving and respectful support that will help him grow.

Maybe thank him for caring about you and trying to help out, and then later, talk about how your #1 priority would be to support him.

amother

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:26 pm

I feel u OP. I've experienced the same today (and last year). But because he kept telling me he was gonna go and kept pushing it off, I missed Megillah also. (Here I assumed it's more important that he should hear than me so I told myself worse cast scenario I'd miss it.)
When he missed it last year, with no care in the world, I cried. This year I chose to ignore it, as I didn't want tears this year like I had last year.
Sorry, no advice really, just hugs from someone who gets you.

Marion

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:30 pm

I completely understand your DH. I hate Purim. I don't feel any ruchniyut in the day at all; it's just a lot of running around and trying to get everything done. I would happily give up megillah reading (certainly at night!) without any feelings of guilt whatsoever, except maybe for the example I'm setting for my kids. (Somehow I'm sure my post will be reported, but it will be there for long enough for OP to see it, I hope.)

lifesagift

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:36 pm

Flip side: perhaps he reasoned that to help his wife with her nb was doreisa, and since he missed it and couldnt make up for it anyway... He may feel he did the right thing here and has no regrets. Sometimes we only take the "fancy" mitzvos seriously but downplay the "simpler" ones. Not saying hearing the megilla=unimportant ch"v. Just trying to see a different point of view.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 16 2014, 11:43 pm

Marion wrote:

It's OK. We ALL struggle with something. DH hates Purim too. He can't stand to be around drunk people, it makes him really miserable. Some women can't handle covering their hair, or have panic attacks at the mikvah.

Personally, I dread Pesach with a passion. We're going to a hotel this year, and it's the first year I haven't been freaking out, screaming at everyone, and hyperventilating at all the details. Trying to be b'simcha for my daughter's sake is really hard when I'm scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Hug

amother

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 7:04 am

I skipped the morning reading. And it was not because I was busy decorating MMs or cooking elaborate meals. There's only so much I can handle with a toddler in tow, and this wasn't one if them. My husband didn't care. He says he doesn't understand how this can be a chiyuv on mothers with young children, especially since I managed to hear the entire thing at night.

We can't all do everything.

amother

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 8:13 am

OP-

Thank you all for your sympathy and sharing of your personal feelings as well. He did read it when he got home, but like I said - it's not just that it was Purim and he's "not so into it," he doesn't go to shul at all during the week. And I wonder if he went to a shul on Shabbos where no one would notice him missing, if he'd also go then too.

Purim was just another time I couldn't ignore it, but really I'm afraid one day he just won't want to keep anything anymore. Davening is hard for most men - I get it. But it certainly won't get any better just sitting at home not going to shul. How will our children love and respect Yiddishkeit if their father doesn't?

I can count on one hand (maybe even 3 fingers) the times I've ever heard him give a dvar Torah at our Shabbos table. I take out books, I read to him, etc... but it can't always fall on me to keep up the Torah in our home. Especially when we have more than a newborn to take care of.

chani8

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 10:36 am

Acceptance. Just love your husband unconditionally and let.it.go.

So far, you've not said anything scary here. So, he doesn't go to shul during the week. So, he wasn't uptight about hearing megilla. It's not like he's doing aveiras.

If you don't point it out to them, your kids won't even get it that their father doesn't do everything (that you want him to do). Your reaction to your husband's religiosity is a bigger problem than what your DH does.

amother

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 4:23 pm

chani8 wrote:

When did I ever say I don't love my husband? Am I not allowed to have a say in the kedusha we have in our home? It's not like we got married and I knew we'd have a home that was more laid-back... I fully cover my hair, dress completely tsnius - tights, etc, the whole 9 yards, we keep TH, and live in a very frum community. All he has to do is go to shul. I've asked what he'd do if I decided one day not to cover my hair, and he said he'd be concerned that something was wrong. Am I allowed to feel the same way? There is something wrong when a man just decides to never go to shul, never to learn, not take responsibilities for his mitzvos and obligations. He essentially IS doing aveiras. And as his wife, how can that not bother me?

PinkFridge

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 5:07 pm

OP, your second post confirmed my hunch: it wasn't just yesterday, yesterday's Megilla reading. So I'll ask - and feel free not to answer - is this something new, or has this been the pattern all along?
If something new, he might be having some crisis of faith, either triggered by something that happened recently or just a long time coming. If so, I would encourage him to find someone to talk to. Chances are he's not feeling good about things or about himself and would feel much better if he had someone neutral and older and wiser he could hash things out with.

But if the former, and it sounds like it, there's another angle and I think you need hugs and validations for your distress. You never assumed that just showing up for the basics - minyan, all the other daily rituals, etc. - would be a problem for a man. And this is hard to come to terms with. You see, if you had a history and this had only recently started, you would have an easier time focusing on all the things to respect him for while he finds his comfort level. (And it still might not be where you want it, but he would own it, because he would have put some effort and thought into it.) But if he started off this way, it's understandable that you feel shortchanged. Something that was really important and a non-negotiable isn't there. And while venting here might be cathartic, nothing's going to replace some solid, IRL help. Sure, he needs to find someone to talk to so he'll be animated about Yiddishkeit (again, he may not land exactly where you imagine) but you need support too. There are just so many angles and variables, and you need someone older, wiser, and NOT A RELATIVE to bounce things off.

I'm not trying to shrug you off and end this discussion, just making the most constructive suggestion I can.

Hug

amother

Mon, Mar 17 2014, 5:09 pm

What you wrote hits home hard! I am having a very hard time past couple of months figuring this all out . Bh I am happily married but for a while my husband has been davening without a minyan and I can't remember the last time he picked up a Sefer - I always hear these stories how wives helped there husbands grown and all that - and I think what about me?? I would love to help my husband grown but he's not intrested he never says dvar Torah and I as I said he doesn't learn . Bh he is a good person but it still hurts a lot . I don't wanna b a nag and keep saying please find a shiur and stuff like that - oh well quess we all have issues to deal with - wish I had advice for u and me!!

chani8

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 10:54 am

amother wrote:

He's telling you, something is wrong for him. Did you then ask him, "Ok, my dear, what is wrong?" Why is he not going to shul? Is it just too hard? Does he maybe stay up too late and can't get up in time? Does he stay home to help you instead? Does he have a problem with the shul/community? Is he disenchanted with yiddishkeit? Having a religious crisis?

You won't know if you don't ask. And my advice is to just listen and try to be there for him. If you are not on his side, there for him, then who is?

PinkFridge

Tue, Mar 18 2014, 12:16 pm

chani8 wrote:

This. And the rest of the post.